From Hopeless29 -- originally posted in "I Need Support..."
My husband of 6 years just walked away from our marriage - our one year old and three year old. He started dieting - buying new clothes and going out until all hours of the evening. I freaked out and starting yelling at him because he was going out and spending so much money at bars. Then three weeks ago he just never called to tell me he was not coming home - came home at 2 in the morning. We had a huge fight and he said he wanted to get seperated. He is living with his mom. He told me on Thanksgiving we dont have passion and he wants his freedom. He doesnt like being married and divorce is as easy as we make it. Same breathe he said he cried all night because he loves me so much he cant make me happy. I love and cheerish this man - I dont know how to get him back. All I seem to be doing is pushing him further. I just purchased the book and telephone consultations but if anyone can help me I just need hope that this isnt over
I am at a loss my husband of 6 years is in a mlc and has left me - our one year old and three year old. He had started going out to bars and we were fighting over it. I told him if he didnt want to be married we should get seperated he said he wanted to get seperated and has moved in with he mom - everything I am doing is pushing him futher away I just purchased the book and counseling sessions -but am so scared I cant breathe
Welcome to this community! I want to encourage you to post in newcomers because you will get more responses there.
I'm sorry your husband has left. You are right--what you are doing is pushing him further away, so stop fighting about your relationship. Use this time while he is out of the house to make some adjustments. I'm glad you have the book, jump to THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE.
You have a lot on your plate with two small children while he has left. Are you working as well? Do you have any help?
It is going to be very important that you take care of yourself and that you DO NOT appear to be falling apart over it. You will need to do the best acting job of your life.
I just purchased the book and telephone consultations but if anyone can help me I just need hope that this isnt over
Welcome to DB
This is a great place to come and post or vent and ask questions. As far as your question about needing hope that it isn't over I would say that you control when it is over. And what I think is that it isn't over until they put you in a box and throw dirt on you! Until then there is always HOPE.
DBMOD has given you great advice. You must take care of yourself.
Stop begging,pleading,yelling and crying - that will not work. I agree that you should start with LRT and you should also GAL. Start by making a list of three things that you can do for YOU!
Try to be the best MOM that you can be. Those kids are the most important thing in your life right now!
Keep coming back and asking questions and posting.
You are in a helpful place and the coaching is also very helpful! I've had two coaching sessions with Jodi, with the 3rd scheduled for tomorrow. My WAH is still living elsewhere, but we are getting along so much better now. I've stopped talking about the R, stopped begging, pleading, and trying to convince him that we can make this work. I know we can, but my 180s have to help convince him of that fact. Plus, it will help you get better control of yourself. It's hard--especially to act like you are okay and happy when you interact with him--but you can do it! The other just pushes them farther away. I wish I had found DB sooner than I did. Hang in there!
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
It's not hopeless. My H and I were separated for five months and even after he was physically back in the home, it took years of piecing. Use the time now to work on you. Read the books, do what the coach tells you to do. Get involved in some activites that you enjoy and will take your mind off things for awhile. Like most women, you've probably spent too much time taking care of everyone else and no time for yourself. I'm giving you permission right now to do things just for you.
I'm sorry to tell you that you will probably discover an affair that has been taking place for awhile. My H had been carrying on an EA with a coworker but came to me crying about how much he loved me but needed space. The reason he needed space was to lessen his guilt about taking the affair to the next level.
But no matter what the future holds, you are in the right place. You will get solid, practical advice here. We won't lie to you or tell you everything will be ok when it won't. But I can tell you that YOU will be ok. You will find strength you didn't know you had.
First practical step to take, protect yourself financially. Talk with a lawyer about child support. If he needs space, fine. Let him see how long he can last at his mom's, but he can't abandon his financial responsibilities. That will also give him a dose of reality to deal with.
I think an affair is a possibility here, but not necessarily the case. My H told me that he was moving out because our relationship was toxic for both of us and was bad for our kids (almost the same age as yours).
I think it's really important to keep a solution journal - H and I interact much better when we continue to engage and converse rather than when I am more distracted around him, and that's opposite of my advice here.
If he does talk to you, listen, listen, listen. I now have a better idea on what H was unhappy about. Look really critically at yourself to figure out what parts of you and the way you interacted you aren't fully pleased with, and work on changing those things. I figured out that a lot of my issues centered around insecurity. I gave H a list of things I needed from him to feel secure. He took the list, and I have to wait and see what his response will be. I have asked him for a similar list but don't know if he'll provide it.
Your H WILL say things to you that feel like they have broken your soul. You WILL be extremely angry with him eventually for what he has done to your family and the affect this may have on your children. You WILL want to bop him in the head with a 2x4, and you WILL spend time sobbing uncontrollably on the floor because you can't believe the man you loved would do this to you. THAT'S OKAY. We've all been there. It is awful, but slowly you realize you are going to be okay.
I truly believe that letting go - getting a life and not clinging/pursuing - is vital to having any chance of fixing your marriage. Your H thinks your relationship is over. You don't want back the old version of the M where he was unhappy. You want a new and better one that fills both your needs. Keep that in mind constantly - you want something better, preferably with him. It's hard to get rid of the fear, trust me, I know. You can do this.
Thank you everyone for your encouraging words and advice. I had my first telephone consult and it opened my eyes a little bit as to what I may or may not have contributed to this demise and us living apart. I have some internal trust and self esteem issues I need to work on right now. I cant wait for the book to arrive. I am only going to put the best me infront of him and will stop pleading. Weird he sometimes calls me to ask about the babies like he did when we were together --- but we make small talk. I want to be his friend but coach thinks for my cooling off period I should just stick to talks about the kids and the finances . I do want something better and I hope its with him - we cant go back to the way our marriage was.
