Updating: I realize I haven't been on here for awhile. I've been feeling really at peace with myself and with my life as it is. Not sure where all this is coming from, but I am not complaining, that's for sure!
H actually asked to come home about 2 weeks ago. I said "no". For many reasons such as: Hhe asked to come back out of desperation, not because WITH ME is where he truly wants to be. Just the day before he asked to come home, he was trying to get me to talk about divorce logistics. It just didn't make any sense and I told him that he is "all over the place". And I said "why? because of kids? because of money?" and he said because of everything. He said he thinks it would be easier to just try to make things work. And I said "how would that work? You're not in love with me and I don't feel like I am in love with you anymore?" He said "one day at a time"...and I said "I can't do it, I'm tired, tired of looking over my shoulder, tired of wondering who he's talking to or texting with, tired of wondering who he's meeting up with when he goes out, just tired of it all" He got real nasty after that and started demanding I tell him what I want in the divorce. I told him that I refused to talk about anything via text and that we need to sit down and discuss things, emotions aside. That still has not happened. In fact, he stayed at the house to watch the kids while I went out that Friday night and after I got home, he came upstairs and said "I know you hate me and all, but do you want to have sex?" I said "WHHHHAAAATTTT?" He said "sorry, that was wrong" and went back downstairs crying.
So I am starting to realize I think, this peaceful feeling that I have, might be because I didn't realize how much stress I really was under and just how much everything he was doing behind my back was bothering me, when he was home.
