Ive been married to my W for 6 years. We met in college and were inseperable from the start. We have a 2 and 1/2 year old son who we both adore. 2 weeks ago, my wife went out with one of her girlfriends for a "girls nite" and came home at 430am. She even texted me while she was out saying that she loved me, etc. Everything was normal as it had been and I was glad she got a night out. Well, early the next week she just started acting cold all of a sudden. There was no fight, major disagreements, or anything like that. That went on for a few nights until I asked what was bothering her. She just said that she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore, doesn't know if she had any more emotion left to try, and holds major resentment toward me for things in our distant past. She said she didn't know what she wanted to do but said things would be so much easier if we didn't have our son, a house, etc. Needless to say, I was completely devastated and caught off guard.
We were both calm during that conversation and I just listened to everything she was saying. One of the major issues that came out was the resentment she held for the time I was on worker's compensation. I was injured on the job as a police officer and had back surgery and was off work for approx 4 years. I am fully recovered now but was unable to do much of the caregiving for our son during his first year. I told my W of my reservations about having a child during my injury but she assured me at the time that whatever I could contribute would be just fine. I did my best but there is only so much that I could do physically. She was not very supportive to me during my injury and I could often see the resentment in her face. I felt bad enough as it was and really felt like a burden to her during that time.
Like many couples, we've put the needs of our son before our marriage and didn't spend enough time working on our M during the last few years. We've had communication issues throughout and we have a cyclical argument about every year about the same things. When I ask her what is bothering her during those arguments, it usually comes down to her having to take care of our son all the time. Granted, I do the majority of the housework, bills, etc and always offer to change up resposibilities. Anyway, I am very involved with our son and still contribute more after those arguments but it never seems to be enough.
Fast forward to my current situation. After our talk a few weeks ago, she has continued to be indifferent toward me. My FIL came into town for a 5 hour dinner with her and I'm sure he got in her ear. He wants a divorce from my MIL and is very vocal about making himself happy, etc. Since then, she continued to act distant and cold during the week. I finally called her on my way into work a few days ago and asked her if something changed over the week. She said nothing has changed and she "needed her space." She wants to be separated and just doesn't see any chance of us working. She said she was going to get individual counseling to work on "not having anger and resentment toward me for the rest of her life." She asked me how I felt and I told her that I still love her and respect her and think we can work things out. Thats about all I said about my feelings on the situation.
She then started to talk about our son and how we were definitely going to have 50/50 custody. She started talking about our financial situation and I told her I needed time to process before having those talks.
We are about $120,000 under water on our mortgage and there is no way one of us can move out. On top of that, I am in the middle of a background investigation for a gov't security clearance (my dream job). She said she did not want to do anything to jeopardize my job stuff and was fine living in the house with me while we figured things out financially. I told her foreclosure and bankruptcy were not options for me and she agreed. We are currently living in the same house, sep rooms of course.
On saturday, she went out again with the same girl friends from work. She went to their house and stayed out all night drinking there. She came home at 630am, woke everyone up when she came in, and just went into the bedroom and passed out. I got up with our son and started the day early. When I woke her up so I could go to church on Sunday, she was complaining about "getting sick" the night before but got up to watch our boy. When I got home from church, she was putting our son to bed early. He was still crying and sitting up in his bed when she just went back to sleep for another 4 hours. She didn't say much to me at all when she came downstairs later that day.
In addition to what I was already doing with our son, I told her I wanted to do everything for him (all baths, diapers, etc). I told her I know I cant do anything about his first year but I wanted to make up for it over the next 15 years. During both of our serious conversations, she told me that she "noticed changes and appreciated them" but it was almost "too little, too late." I have remained upbeat, not bring up any relationship issues, and respond positively to any conversations she has with me. I seem to feel better about myself and my situation. Ive also done a few 180's with church, hobbies, and overall mood. I know she notices but hasnt said anything else to me about it.
We have pleasant conversations about our son mostly but nothing serious (which is fine with me right now). She spends most of her time working out and not eating much at all. This week, she started going into work an hour early and coming home a half hour late. She has not been interested at all in spending time with our son. She has been more interested in dressing up for work and looking good (just like her friends from work do). She missed our son's flu shot this week so she could go get a new cell phone instead. She is leaving for the entire upcoming weekend to visit a friend in West VA. I am actually looking forward to the calmness at home and some more quality time with our boy.
I am almost positive there isn't an OM involved although her recent behavior is odd. It just seems like she is really unhappy (duh) and wants to escape from me and motherhood. On a side note, and im not sure if related, but she did have issues with depression in college. She simply saw a counselor for awhile and that was that. We had a miscarriage at 12wks back in august of this year. She didnt seem to grieve much during that time. It just seems like a flag to me since it is so close in time and we didnt have any major disagreements during the last few months.
She has yet to start seeing a counselor but has gotten pre-authorization from my insurance. I did ask her if she thought all of her unhappiness was because of our relationship and she said, "no, that's why I am going to see someone for myself."
Im just really confused right now. I am obviously preparing for the worst and taking care of myself (as best I can). Im just not sure how to handle this in-house separation long term. I am just giving her space and spending time in my room our playing with our son. She still talks to me and sounds excited sometimes talking about her phone, our son, etc. Im just lost right now. I have plans to see an old friend for dinner on the 20th and will be going out of state for the Thanksgiving holiday by myself. We usuallly spend that time with her parents (just like every holiday) and there is no way I want to be there right now. She understands.
Any help or words of advice would be appreciated. I know many of you have been in my position before. Just reading through the forums has helped me over the last week or so. Im glad I stumbled in here during my endless google search for answers, haha. Thanks for letting me vent!
Even though you are in pain...your behavior is very very good as you describe it! That will serve you so well.
You are right....your situation unfortunately isn't uncommon...and women often end up feeling resentful for having to take care of all of the responsibilities for their child, even though they love their child. You are doing the right things. You will need a lot of patience with her, but it isn't too late.
One caution...sometimes counselors/therapists make matter WORSE, even if they mean well. A DB coach, because they are promarriage...and make your marriage their client can be more helpful AND end up a lot less expensive than therapy or divorce.
Michele also has other resources that can help you quite a bit: Divorce Remedy (it IS Divorcebusting, but updated)...Keeping Love Alive tapes, and the Marriage Breakthrough. If you go with Divorce Remedy, do not share it with your wife.
Hang in there....we are here for you and for your marriage. You are not alone.
Bman - welcome to the boards. I feel uniquely qualified to provide you with some advice because our situations are so very very similar.
You can read all about mine if you like, but I have the same sitch as you. I've been married for 4 years, met my W in college just like you, became inseperable since meeting and we have a 4 year old son together.
My W gave the same speech as yours, except there was an EA involved. From what you describe, your wife is more than likely involved with OM. I'm sorry to say that, but all the evidence and my gut feeling looks to that direction. In my case, when confronted with evidence my W stopped after several attempts went no contact with the OM.
If you want this to work, you have to begin by doing some real giving and keeping up with your 180s. Start GAL and doing things without being asked. Like you, my W did most of the caretaking of our child during his first 1-2 years and she built up resentment for me for that as well.
You can't change what has happened or even how she feels. It is how she feels. You can only give her a better version of who you are, and a better option than a D.
She will need space. The biggest mistake you can make right now is pursuing her and not giving her that space. You MUST give her that space if you want your M to survive. This is NO LONGER ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU FEEL. Get that. through. your. head. It is no longer about you. It's about how you react to her actions and words.
Start by validating everything she says. Do not argue. If she says that she wants a separation, agree with it... "I think you may be right that a separation is the best thing for us right now." It may seem like you're going full steam ahead towards a D, but you are not. When you don't argue with someone the lose the motivation to rebel against you. I don't know how old you are, but this could very well be your W rebelling against you because you met young and married young. The longer you put up a fight, the higher the walls she will build against you.
The first step for you now is to validate. The second step is to 180. The third step is to begin REAL GIVING to her. Fulfill her emotional needs. Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages (LL)? What are hers? It sounds like Quality Time and Acts of Service are what hers are though I can't be certain. Those are at least what my W wanted that I did not provide.
When you do real giving, you do it with no strings attached. You do it because you value your W and love her.
Even if she is in an affair or there is an OM, if you fulfill her emotional needs there will be no need for her to reach out to someone else. But, at the same time you have to expect that she will NOT fulfill any of yours. It is hard work.
We get it here. You love your W. You want to save this M. We all do. But, there are steps you MUST take if you want that happen and they will not be easy. Consequently, they'll be the hardest steps you've ever taken in your life.
Doing something that doesn't come natural is a higher version of love. Remember that.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I also want to add that you're not in that bad of a position. Your W is seeking outside help for her anger and resentment issues. Lots of LBS here wish their spouse would have done that. If you can, I would suggest finding a pro-marriage counselor.
Thanks so much for the replies! I def appreciate your perspective John. I am 31 an the wife is 29. We met in college when we were both around 21.
I am not blind to the possibility of an EA. However, my gut feeling is still that she is just trying to get attention and feel better about herself. Besides the recent change of schedule and her dressing up, there have not been any other indicators. A few weeks ago, I checked her cell records and text messages with nothing found. She was just talking to her parents, etc. I've stopped the snoopping completely and feel much better. I've realized it doesn't matter and it wont ultimately change anything that is going to happen in our relationship. Only I can change myself and I feel great empowerment with that.
She has definitely noticed my 180's and has been trying to push my buttons (most likely to test me) and I have given her NO ammo at all. I am being true to myself for the first time in years. I dont expect anything in return and it really feels good. I feel like I am doing a good job detaching from her.
My son is loving the new me as well. I am much more involved and taking him fun places, just him and I. My W is going to see a high school friend in West VA for the whole weekend. I mentioned that I was taking him to a museum in DC and I could tell she was a bit flustered. She didnt say anything negative about it, I could just see the "What the heck!" look on her face. I am looking forward to a great weekend with my boy and some quality time with him.
This site is very interesting. My educational background is in psychology. I feel Im pretty grounded and in touch with my emotions. I looked many places for marriage guidance until I came here. When I started reading some of the principles talked about here, a huge light went off. I had already been putting many of the same techniques in motion without knowing it. It just validated my new changes and let me know that I am NOT alone.
I have put my own anger/resentment on the back burner and I love the new changes in me. I know they are not fake and the W will see that in time, regardless of if she's stays with me or not. I have gotten to the point where I know that I will have given 100% to save this marriage. If it works, great. If not, I will be stronger than ever at the end and have a wonderful relationship with my son.
Of course, the process is still incredibly hard. I want so much to hug her, tell her im sorry, and ask about everything in her life. Ive been able to resist that, give her alot of space, and just do my own thing. I read these boards and get strength in my 'quiet time.' I thank you all so much for reading my ramblings and taking the time out of your day to respond. I truly appreciate it!
She has definitely noticed my 180's and has been trying to push my buttons (most likely to test me) and I have given her NO ammo at all. I am being true to myself for the first time in years. I dont expect anything in return and it really feels good. I feel like I am doing a good job detaching from her.
It's great that you noticed this, Bman. When they are tested is where a lot of folks take a few steps backwards. And it's great that you can detach so that her actions don't trigger you.
One caution....detaching may be part of the inherent problem. You need to be warm while being detached. It isn't easy, but you can do it. It's part of 'real giving'....giving her the sapce she needs, while you are still there for her.
Good point dbmod. I think I am definitely being warm and open during this process. It's just hard because I want to give her the space she needs. Additionally, Ive found that I need the space just as much after she dropped the bomb during our conversation.
Im just letting her dictate the conversation (another 180). If she asks me about something, I respond enthusiastically and definitely LISTEN. I just dont want to push her away by prying into her business or giving her the "so, how are you feeling today?" We talk at length about our son, etc and I try to keep it light and still have a sense of humor. She def seems more interested in the recent changes in me.
At this point, there is no physical contact at all and I am def waiting for her to initiate that (if she chooses). We dont say ILY cause I could tell it was a forced response when I would say it...stopped the first day.
The latest thing she is doing is spending money on clothes and on this recent trip with her girlfriend. She knows it would normally bother me but im doing my best to let it be. We did talk about sep checking accts during our marriage and again during our serious convo a few weeks ago. I think I am going to wait a week (so she doesnt think its just a response to recent activity) and have the conversation with her about sep accounts before the Xmas holidays. Im willing to give her space and some retail therapy if needed. However, I need to protect myself at the same time. Sep accounts will be good for both of us at this point.
I made her coffee the other day and she appreciated it. I told her I was going to make dinner a few times a week b/c we are both eating like crap lately . I want to do it. Nothing fancy or formal. Just gonna make food for everyone so she knows I still care.
I had a wonderful day with my son. We spent the entire day in the city and went to museums, watched ice skaters, etc. He loved it! AND, the W checked in via text and phone twice during the day to see how he was. Most importantly, we had a great day. He loves staying busy with his daddy so it is a good escape from the stress. Going to take the little man to church tomorrow so that will be nice too.
Thanks again for the response. I am incredibly grateful for these boards. The diff perspectives from folks in similar situations is comforting.
I think you've got this. That's really good--you are behaving thoughtfully and wisely.
I agree with you -- it is great that we all have the same common goal of healing our relationships. It's a good place to be when you have to be here, and it's a good place to be when you just WANT to be here!
Its been a few weeks since my last post. Since that time, I have DB'ng and feeling pretty good about my progress. Ive been GAL, spending ALOT of quality time with my son, and doing some positive 180's (church, reading, friends, housework).
My W has been up and down during that time. Mostly she acts friendly, talks to me alot about our S, and occassionally asks me about my prospective job, etc.
Over the last few weeks, my W has started spending money on random stuff (mostly clothes, lotions, and beer/smokes). We have a joint account so I let most of it go, figuring a bit of retail therapy wouldnt be terrible. Plus, she knows I am responsible with $$ and I'm pretty sure she was testing her boundaries in that area, trying to get a negative response from me.
Anyway, after she spent another $200 on herself this weekend, I had a talk with her last night about having separate accounts (something she suggested through our marriage anyway). She said ok but then went into, "Well, what do you want to do with the house?" we are 100,000 underwater so there are no quick solutions. she definitely started getting snippy with me saying, "she considers the house part of the finances." i said i would be willing to meet with whoever and get information on our options but didnt really say more than that. she said that she would start looking into that too.
i felt like i HAD to look out for my finances. I didnt want to stir anything up but i also wanted to protect myself (and the money saved for my son). im just frustrated with the situation and needed a little encouragement.
also, my W has been acting VERY distant from my son. This concerns me more than anything else. She gets home later from work and only sees him for about 1hour each day. Over the last month (since dropping the bomb), she has not made much of an effort at all to spend time with him during the weekends. She acts put off when i have errands to do for myself.
I have taking on 80% of the caregiving responsibilities. its been great because i am getting a much stronger bond with my boy. however, I am worried about her detachment from him. is this common with WAW??
Im just trying to stick to my 180s, stay positive, and be healthy. my W has resorted back to how she acted in college (not eating, long workouts, smoking cigs again, drinking, etc). Im just trying to stay level for my boy right now. Just feeling lonely right now. This is so tough and Im just having one of those days.
To complicate matters, my MIL got diagnosed with cancer and starts chemo tomorrow. I am trying to be as supportive as possible. I ask my W about her M and keep updated. feel kinda helpless there.
just looking for a bit of support today. I noticed that the DBing is great for me, regardless of what happens. Just having a bit of a setback emotionally today after our $$$ talk last night. Thanks for listening!
Protect your finances. If she is spending out of character (and acting out of character as you said she is) you must protect the family finances.
Also be sure she is contributing to the family finances BEFORE she spends on herself. I scanned your post but didn't catch if she works or not? If not she will need to get a job. If you are over 100K upside on your mortgage she really shouldn't be blowing money at all until that matter is rectified.
Think of it this way - by protecting the finances you are eliminating one stress/worry you have now and that is her spending. If she is unable to contribute and meet her portion of the bills she will have to move. She has opted to be your roommate for now and when it comes to finances she should be treated as such.
Let the money be a separate thing from the emotional issues. Finances are a logistical manner and usually the first logistic to go sour during marital strife. Don't delay this.
