Just a journal; still trying to sort my thoughts. I know this isn't M stuff. I guess I've just gotten used to releasing this crap here. Please don't feel like you have to respond; it does help just to write. Anyways, Sandi, Yes, she did/does have a lot of problems whether she wants to admit it or not. It's very sad. Thanks for the hugs. Hugs back to you for your kindness.

I went for a nice long walk by myself last night; it was pretty, the snow is still fresh and some folks have their xmas lights up already. It felt good to be out in the quiet and dark but I found old memories just kept tagging along with me. At times it felt like I was trudging along, dragging a heavy wagon behind me with my mom in it complaining and angry and crying... and I wanted to let go of the handle, but when I imagined letting it go, the image of her sitting all alone in it on the sidewalk, popped into my brain, she was crying and begging me to come back, all alone and frightened as I walked away. It made me as angry as it did break my heart.

So then of course I couldn't get to sleep AGAIN til late again last night and started to wonder if it's time to stop going to therapy. Nothing is going to change what has been, and it seems like I've just been getting more sad and angry... well... at least I've gotten in touch with my 'angry' again. But what's the point of it. I've been angry before. I was very angry about this same old thing in my 30s. Yes I was judging myself for it back then, but at least I know I'd felt it for a time. And the only result? I'd become so disagreeable and unhappy, my H and I started having troubles and he'd told me he was thinking of leaving me. So I just don't get it. My IC keeps saying I'm supposed to 'feel' my emotions. But when there's nothing you can do about them, no one you can hold accountable... what's the point? It seems like feeling them is just making them more intense and is getting me nowhere.

I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.