Help save my WAW

[NotReadyToQuit]

Thank you so much for the responses. It feels good to hear that someone understands.

As far as the job sitch, I can't change jobs but I'm getting ready to start a second job in addition to the private practice. I think this is probably the 180 that will have the biggest impact. Not just for her, but for me as well.

I think her moods are definitely affected by her treatments. She has been on all sorts of hormone replacements and is now trying to get off of them. This and a couple other meds are definitely not helping the situation, but the drs don't seem to care about that and so she won't change anything.

One of our big problems is that she CAN'T really talk to me. It's taken two years for her to finally tell me some of these fears and dreams that have been ruined. I think she did feel guilty at one time for how it's affected me. She recently told me that she had wanted me to tell her how scared I was and that I was really disappointed that we couldn't have children. Why the hell would I tell her that?! The last thing I wanted was for her to feel any guilt at all and that would just lay it on pretty thick! She took my behavior (trying to make her feel that everything would be ok) as me not really caring or being concerned about our future. Boy did I miss the mark on that one!
SInce then, I've tried to address these things and clear up any miscommunications we may have had, but it didn't seem to do anything. She just doesn't think I can take care of her and said she has never felt secure. I know part of this is due to us relying on her income, but we discussed this before marriage. It would probably take 5 years for my practice to get up and running, and until then we would live on her income and any profits I was making would go towards the hefty student loans. Now I think this is an issue, hence the second job.

We aren't seeing a therapist anymore. At our last appt. she said she was done trying and wanted a divorce. She said her mind was made up, so the therapist offered to help further if we wanted, but if her mind was made up then she didn't have to convince me or prove anything further. It takes two to make a marriage work and only one to break it. At this point, I don't know how to bring up further therapy. I've been trying so hard not to talk about our R, and trying not to imply that I still have hope. Is this wrong? She seems so less stressed now. Yesterday we spent the entire day together shopping, buying a christmas tree and putting lights on the house. SHE asked me if I wanted to do these things with her. I thought that was a good sign, but maybe I'm just reaching.

Currently we don't go to church. She recently told me that she doesn't know if she believes in God and isn't sure if she ever has. I've gone sporadically by myself, but my faith hasn't been that strong lately either.

I talked to her mom last week to see what her thoughts were and get a vibe for what they were telling her. I was pleased to hear her say that she told my W not to do anything yet. Just let it be for awhile and take some time. She told me that my W just gets so worked up sometimes and has this anger that she can't let go. Once someone or something disappoints her or upsets her, she holds a grudge and knocks them down a peg or two and rarely lets them back up. This, I was aware of, but have no idea how to help fix it. She sees a therapist once a month, but I haven't seen any changes or improvements. His view on marriage is not a great one, so I fear that he is helping her be OK with leaving.