Mystik you are doing very well after just one week. Getting to the "me, me, me" stage is essential and I know you are on your way!
No matter what your H says rally him hard in court regarding your son and the pickup/drop off times and locations. Cheaters and abusers do not get any leeway and your H's newborn, OW or car troubles are not your problems. Your H CHOSE to move far away and support what is now up to three children - those are his consequences to sort out.
A big part of radical acceptance is being mindful of the present. I think once you can remove the thoughts of your H returning, leaving OW and coming home you will be better able to live in the present. As my therapist says - emotional abusers need the minimum of one to two years of treatment before they can even think of being in a healthy R. Just remember - each time your H demands you accept this situation as he does, he is abusing you. Abusers have a special way of demanding acceptance for their transgressions and both my H and yours fit the bill to a "t".
Recovery from such abuse (which usually leads to deep depression, anxiety or panic) has four points:
1. Therapy (you are doing great!) 2. Medication 3. Emotional Support 4. Spiritual Belief
I have been working on my recovery from the abuse, depression and panic for almost 36 months. It *is* a long road but one worth walking. Be proud you got on the road!
I went very dark on my H (much easier w/o children of course!) and now he is desperate to get back some of his control. I finally can stand up to him and I can assure you once you are in that spot you will feel MUCH better. They simply are not worth it. Men that demand you adhere to their infidelity in the manner your H and mine have are dangerous and harmful. They go far beyond the "typical" walk away spouse.
I urge you to journal about your own life here. There are a few people on this site who are in recovery from emotional abuse and it's good for all of us to read!
Have a GREAT day!
Also, I would really try and find a way to finance the divorce. I think it will be VERY hard to find any divorce attny to take your case for free. Also, unless things have changed radically in NY, a divorce attny MUST collect a retainer from a client to proceed and remove their billable hours from the retainer.
I'd imagine you will have to pay a retainer (I kind of have an idea of where you live and you should be able to retain a decent attny for 5K). Your therapy team can submit documentation to your attny and there is a good chance your H will have to pay your legal fees. My attny petitioned my H to pay my legal fees days after I retained them and I easily won. Your attny can also help you with everything about your son with a much harder stance than a court appointed advocate. You can also petition your H to keep paying your insurance and I would certainly ask for spousal maintenance. The fact that you work is not the issue. I work also. If your marriage has reached the 10 year mark you are in a good spot. Your H will have to submit his household income which will include OW's income therefore he will make more than you if OW works.
You can also file under the "poor person's" status in NY which eliminates the filing fees. Your case is complex though. I'd imagine at this point you are classes as "unhealthy" as per NY state guidelines. My lupus fell under "unhealthy" but if you have been diagnosed with long term depression I do believe you would also fall under that category.
