Good day today. H came over to pack his stuff, and I put on a great attitude and helped (that is a 180 from right after he moved). We had some good conversations about current events, the kids, and even what to expect next in the divorce process (I should get the papers sometime this week, then we have 60 days until it's final). H left to drop off a load of things and said he'd be back later that evening - I invited him to have dinner with me and the kids and he agreed! It's the first time in 5 months that we had dinner as a family and actually talked and laughed - no newspaper or TV to hide behind (I hid them). I suggested that we have regular family dinners, perhaps on his weekends when the kids transition from his house to mine, and he agreed provided "it's only about the kdis and only as long as it's good for the kids." That is at least something.
H seemed surprised when I told him I was going to change my name - he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before responding to the question I'd wrapped that little tidbit in.
H is very angry still about my call/email to potential OW, and very angry that I'm not sorry I did it. He has a vast conspiracy theory of how I'm trying to isolate him from everyone so he has to come back to me - I told him I don't want him on those terms; I want a man who wants me, and right now H doesn't want me (he agreed out loud, drat him).
I gave H my list of behaviors I would need from him. He took the list, but told me that "if I had feelings for you last week, your actions killed them. Now I'm only neutral." Of course, last week he said he was neutral too. This is the closest I've gotten to an admission from him that part of him still loves me since the week after he left. H is not willing at the moment to give me his list of what he would need from me. He did listen while I tried to explain why it was so important to me to have HIS children, and why his initial refusal to have them with me made me feel like I wasn't important to him. I also explained (again) that he has always been the most important thing to me, but that I didn't know how to show him that. He glared the whole time I talked and he didn't say anything at all, but he didn't interrupt, and he didn't just leave (which would have been easy to do - he was leaning against the door and we were done with everything else we needed to talk about or do).
I'll see him tomorrow for a kid handoff. I plan to act AS IF and try to draw him out with conversation, as, again, that seems to be working better than being aloof and not talking to him.
