Here we go again!

[bethann]

I have had two or three interactions with H in the last couple of days. He called once to talk about Xmas gifts and what we were doing with the kids' presents. We talked calmly and rationally. H had kids overnight on Saturday. (He promised to never leave them alone again - although he justified his actions for leaving them alone in the first place. Also, 9 yr old S wouldn't go to his apartment because he is afraid to be left alone again.) Anyhow, when he came to pick them up he asked D's if they could bring some cards and boardgames for them to play. (He never really talks to me, he asks the kids questions in front of me) So, D asks me if it's alright, and I go and get the games. It's all really grown up and calm. He asks S if he wants to go and he says no, he's not feeling good. I say, if he changes his mind, I'll bring him over later. He just looks at me and keeps talking to the kids, so I say "your welcome" and walk away. H starts sputtering and stuttering but I ignore him and stay in my room until they leave. I go shopping all day with my sisters.
Today when they come home D's say they had a good time, played games etc. Then they say (and this just throws me over the edge) that they went and got a movie. The movie rental account is in his name as the primary but my name is on the account also. I have asked if I could get my own account and the movie rental place was like - "your husband hasn't rented a movie in 8 months, its a hassle, just leave it the way it is." So, anyhow, they go and get a movie and guess what, it's the 11th movie rented, which means its the free one - so he USES the free rental!!! I know it's just 7 dollars, but it is so freaking typical of his selfish crappy behaviour. I am paying for everything for the kids and he uses my free rental. Seriously, if I could reach out and touch him I would.
I have been two full weeks with no outbursts, no tears and no feeling like I could rip him apart with my bare hands. So could someone tell me why a 7 dollar movie has thrown me over the edge again???
I know that DB is not a quick fix, but I am seeing so little change and this is exhausting -- up one day, down the next and every single time one of my kids cries because of him I hate him just a little bit more. Why are they so stupid and selfish?? Everytime my 12 yr old asks why daddy is hurting us, or if daddy is ever going to come back, I want to beat some sense into him!
I love him, but I hate him, and I want him to come back and I never want him in my life again! This is the hardest, most ridiculous thing. I just feel like he totally ruined my life. I mean, he cheated on me before my wedding - if he didn't want to marry me, why didn't he let me find someone else?? Honestly, it's as if his life's goal was to ensure that I never find happiness. Although part of me wants him back, most of me wants revenge and I really think that true revenge is finding someone else and being happy. Because I don't think he'll ever find happiness. He cheats and lies and cheats and lies. Those have been the only true constants in my life. And if he has cheated and lied with me for over 17 years, whats the chances he's going to stop now with someone else. I mean for Pete's sake, he's already on to the second girlfriend since April!!! What is wrong with this man???

Holy smokes - I just totally went off on a tangent. Snapped like a rubber band. I guess this is the place to vent. Sorry bout that.