She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[crushednstuck]

OK, a little journaling is in order.
I'm having a rough night. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my Dad's premature death. I have conflicting emotions about this because my Dad left W and I to deal with my Mom's alcoholism. And W and I found she was drinking while watching our infant (at the time) kids. This contributed to R problems obviously. I've acknowledged to W that I didn't quite know how to handle this. My Dad and I were still on a father/son basis rather than man/man eventhough I was 39 when he died.

Dad left Mom indigent as all his money went into his businesses. He died owing W and I a substantial amount of money. No one in my family offered help; financially or emotionally - only advice from a distance. We now took in my homeless, alcoholic, widowed Mother and were thousands of dollars in new, unpaid debt.

My Dad was an entrepreneur, a sportsman, and a huge personality. We also found he was cheating on my Mom for three years prior to his death and probably had done so before. Strangely W took the lead in calling Dad's OW to confirm our fears. She threatened me at the time that if I ever cheated, the consequences would be huge. The irony is thick ain't it?

Tonight we both watched our S6 play baseball and returned to W's apartment for a traditional favorite dinner of my Dad's. She refused to celebrate/remember him tomorrow on the actual anniversary. It initially pi$$ed me off, but I was quickly over it to my surprise. I guess I was satisfied she was willing to remember him at all. And the family time was good.

I sit here again this year contemplating the damage my Dad's death had on my M. My inability to act on the sheer scope of changes at that time was definitely not helping the M. I was suddenly the patriarch of a traditional Southern family which was spread across the country and found I didn't have the tools to be that standard bearer much less a "good" husband at the time.

At the time, W said I needed to show more emotion - to her, to kids, to life in general. The last thing I needed was more instructions or demands on me. I ignored her nagging and now I find myself here.

Woe is me.

[seeking answers]

C&S,

You are discovering why you are who you are. That is a good thing. Use that to propel you forward. It's never too late to be the man you want to be for YOU.

You can't undo the past, but you can learn the lessons from it so as to not repeat it.

As far as the irony goes, I hear ya! MLCer's are full of it.

As Brook says, keep steppin'. You're gettin' there!

[crushednstuck]

W talks to the kids over the phone last night after, obviously, a few glasses of wine. I know she spent the weekend with OM despite saying she had to work.

I'd really rather her not say anything than to blatantly lie to my face. I guess in the same vein, I'd rather her not be with him at all. It's no wonder she wanted to remember my Dad the night before the anniversary of his death rather than the day of.

To her credit she did check in via text to see how I was doing. But the incident just stokes the fire. When does this get easier? I honestly thought I'd gotten to a point where it wouldn't get to me. I was determined not to let her actions dictate my feelings. But mix in the kids with lies and a SOB I can't hurt without it hurting me and I feel frustrated again. I'm not sure any amount of GALing would get me through that event without feeling the way I do now.

I'm glad I had the kids in church with me in the morning. The message began with an example of forgiveness, rather than righteous vengeance. I just keep getting tested the second I leave the protection and peace of the church. I'm going to need to find this peace throughout the week because it's all I can do to get to Sunday.

I'm beginning to doubt my desire to be around her on Thanksgiving. I'm taking all suggestions from those who must deal with the offending spouse on a daily basis.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,

I am sorry your having a hard time and feeling the way that you do.

When does this get easier?

Honestly, the only way I can answer this is…

1) It really does get easier
2) It get easier when you let her completely go and a divorce does NOT give you the freedom that you are really seeking
3) It get easier when you CHOOSE to take the necessary steps to make it easier
4) Time –

I'm taking all suggestions from those who must deal with the offending spouse on a daily basis .

Man I read the above quote and said….Crushed must be asking for my response directly.

15 months Crushed – 15 months. Yep, that is how long I have live with my W and have dealt with this. 15 months.

Crushed, you have no idea of what I have lived with for 15 months. Daily interactions. Daily. So how do you deal with it? I think we have said this to you several times.

Before I answer….

Ya see, your still acting as if something YOU do may just get her to wake the f*ck up. Stop it Crushed. Please. You continue to allow her actions to really piss you off and your struggling in part because You have not gotten over OM yet. You still think the OM is your competition. You still think that HE is the problem. He is not. You still think that somehow YOUR actions have caused all of this. Yeah, try to tell me that you have not had those days when you sit there and say this whole MLC thing is a crock of chit. Well buddy, it is not. YOUR W has lost her f*cking mind. She is trying to relive something in her past. She is totally lost and right now, SHE FEELS that OM is the solution to her problem. You soooo want to fix this crushed but ya can’t and because you can’t you feel helpless. You get frustrated.

Now you can try the following….

You can sit down and try and talk to her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and have family talk some sense into her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and have friend talk to her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and manipulate her by doing things to get a response from her (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and make her jealous (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and detach in a manner that is SHOWING HER that you are detached – of course expecting a response (I’ve been there done that).

you can try and go out on a date and force yourself to be done (I’ve been there done that)

you can try and play the kid card…you know…you become super dad hoping that she will come to her senses (I’ve been there done that)

you can try the guilt game. This game you play with just about everyone involved kids, her parents, your mutual friends (I’ve been there done that}

you can try the I’m gonna look happy and act like everything is fine approach (I’ve been there done that)
you can try I’ll be her friend approach (with AN EXPECTATION of course) (I’ve been there done that)

I guess my point in that YOU can try to FIX this all you want. YOUR W must look inward and NOTHING YOU DO WILL MAKE HER DO THIS.

So back to your original question how do you deal with this….

YOU TOTALLY LET THE FU*K GO.

Okay, so your sitting there and reading this and sayin…fu*k Eric I’m trying but I can’t. I feel ya bud, I do man. I soooo do. You can deal with her Crushed. I am sorry to say, ya have kids your going to have to learn how to deal with her. BUT let me give something else to think about and chew on…

How do you let go….

STEP 1 – ACCEPT that this is ABOUT HER. I mean really ACCEPT IT. It aint what you did or didn’t do. Yes maybe some of your prior actions contributed to some of the M issues that you had but dude, ya didn’t cause her to hit her crisis. FTR, she did not ask for this either.

STEP 2 – I was gonna say detach but that is so cliché so what I will say is figure out when YOU feel like interacting with her. Stop trying to do chit that makes her feel better or doing stuff that you think will “help” her see the light and/or the new Crushed. That is what detachment is for. It really is for YOU.

STEP 3 – DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Call it GAL, call it whatever ya want but just live your life as if she is not coming back. FTR, the desire to be with someone else will rear it head. It’s normal so don’t go beating yourself up over it. My advice would be not to do it but honestly…many have done it. Don’t go kidding yourself. So please crushed live your life the way you want to live it.

STEP 4 – Keep praying. Ya know over the past year my prayers have changed (as I have changed as well). I used to pray “oh lord jesus christ (think of Eddie Murphy in his stand up comedy skit raw) please bring me back my wife”. NOW I pray…”lord grant me the strength to deal with whatever you put in my life and let YOUR WILL be done”. Keep an open mind and step back from all of this.

And my final step….

BE YOURSELF!

Yep, stop doing thing and acting in a way that is not the new you. Just be yourself and stop worrying about her and what she is gonna think, say, feel. Fuc* dude don’t even worry about her filing. Just be YOURSELF. Learn to trust and love yourself. Realize Crushed that she does not define you.

I leave you with this Crushed….

Choose to be the best Man you can be. Choose to let YOUR W be the person that she wants to be RIGHT NOW. Choose to live everyday as if it is your last. Choose to be happy.

Now get up, man up, and do what YOU feel is best for Crushed.

Are you gonna let her defeat you?

Are you gonna let her make YOU feel uncomfortable?

Are you gonna let her dictate the MAN that you are and the Man that you strive to be.

Let her GO Crushed. Not for YOU…….

For HER.

And that my friend is how YOU love her.

God Bless,
Eric

[crushednstuck]

When does this get easier?

^^^I know this question has few acceptable answers. And I probably already know what they are. I guess it's the verbal equivalent of throwing your hands up in disgust. But E, I appreciate you answering. I'd forgotten your sitch still involves a W in close proximity.

I think what's tough is trying to figure why someone or something defines me. And how to tear away from those labels. When stripping away "husband", "father", "son", "brother", "employee" and "teammate" what am I really left with? I realize I don't have any idea how to begin that process.

You are correct about having too many thoughts regarding the OM. But I took alot of the Old Testament stuff at face value. Punishment follows misbehavior. Maybe it's the Tuetonic adherence to following the rules that I get from my German genes. I honestly get pissed off when people break the rules - strangers even. You can only imagine my thoughts when it's someone I know.

One of my favorite proverbs is Japanese, "the nail that sticks up gets hammered down". I'm waiting for karma to drop the hammer on some folks. But focusing on this is not healthy or productive.

Ironically, I don't feel OM is my competition. But for other reasons. And I actually said this to W months ago before beginning this process. He is beneath me (literally and figuratively). He has no code, no character, no honor. He destroyed his own family and has started on mine. No it's not totally his fault, but she would have one less option if he were not around.

And W got pissed I wouldn't compete with him for her affections. I couldn't believe what I'd heard. As if I was supposed to cave in his skull with a rock and drag her off by the hair. This was an attractive idea at first.

BE YOURSELF!

^^^This is proving to be the most difficult instruction to follow.

[warriorshadow]

Crushed,
Your sitch is somewhat similar to mine.

When does this get easier?

Here is how slow I am with this. Every morning

I wake up and my head is somewhat clear from the

processing of this from the day before.

So when I do wake up and my mind starts working,

I get reminded again of the horrible mess this is.

It is almost too much to deal with for the first thing

in my day.

Now about the when this gets easier part.

STEP 1 – ACCEPT that this is ABOUT HER. I mean really ACCEPT IT. It aint what you did or didn’t do. Yes maybe some of your prior actions contributed to some of the M issues that you had but dude, ya didn’t cause her to hit her crisis. FTR, she did not ask for this either.

This from Eric ^^^^^^^ is what I have to teach my brain each and

every day. Once you get your head around this part, it does get

easier. This is where you get to dump the guilt dump truck right

over the cliff. It ain't you buddy.

This is where you dig deep and have faith that she is

going to go through this journey on her own.

It is also the LET GO LET GOD part of this because as Eric

stated, your W is so out of your control for you to be able to

fix this.

Once you fully accept that 1st step then the next 2 steps

is where you really do get to do something about this for

YOU. Not for her because it won't stick and won't work.

You will do this anyway and find that it won't work but

that is how you learn by mistakes you will make through this.

Since you have been able to convince yourself now that she is

on a journey and you have to let her be, then you can detach

from the drama because you know its all about her.

Detach, but detach with love. (The answer to this I only found

by reading, reading and more reading).

That is the step 2 part.

Since you get that part now and FULLY accept it, You can work

on yourself.

For me, that was READ, READ, and READ, and READ, here and

the books that get suggested throughout what I read here.

That is just me though, because I have a thick skull. But

once I get it, it becomes part of me at least for a little

while and then I read some more and it kind of gets cemented

in a little better. I am going to have to do this for the

rest of my life to get the kind of relationship I want long

term with whomever the woman of my dreams will be. I would

prefer that woman be my W but if she does not look within

to find her happiness is found from within, that option will

not work for me.

Crushed, I hope this helps at least a little.

Everyone will move at their own pace through this.

BE YOURSELF!

This ^^^^^ is where the fun is!!!

I truly hope your pace is quicker than mine.

[crushednstuck]

Thanks WS, I tend to think that my progress will not be much quicker. I read and try to absorb what's been printed. The disconnect comes when I try to apply what I've read. I still think of this as a strategy rather than a life change.

It's so ingrained that with the right tools, anything can be fixed. Except here.

When we were attempting couples counseling, she was so adamant that I acknowledge my errors. I had no problem with this. I f'ed up, but not nearly enough for the M to get the death penalty. When I realized that no amount of acknowledging my faults would change her mind, I slowly started coming around to the fact that nothing I do will fix it.

As you've said WS, starting the day with a sense of accomplishment and clarity is only briefly rewarding because of the constant barrage of negativity. I get angry when speculating on the impact this separation is having on my kids. They are confused. And I can't help because I'm confused too. And helpless to change the sitch between their Mom and me.

Your post was helpful WS, but as with all new info, I'll struggle to employ it. My thick skull has taken it's share of pummeling and I've got force this stuff to sink in.

[warriorshadow]

Your post was helpful WS, but as with all new info, I'll struggle to employ it. My thick skull has taken it's share of pummeling and I've got force this stuff to sink in.

And that's what it will take... one day at a time.

WS

[crushednstuck]

Spent the Thanksgiving holiday at the ILs for four days. I originally thought, because of what W said, that I wouldn't be spending it with my kids.
I was tremendously thankful to be with family on that day. The whole family made the trip. And while I didn't spend anytime bolstering my case with BIL and ILs, it was good to be around family. I know I have their support. There was tension around W, but I found keeping to my head down (actually my head was in the fridge most of the weekend), watching football, and spending time with the dogs made for a relaxing weekend.

In the past, where I would have been upset that there was no progress made with W, I really just tried to enjoy the time away from home, getting help with the kids, and being thankful for the people and things I do have in my life. I could characterize this as four days more away from my M, I now am beginning to view this as 4 days closer to W emerging from her funk and me four days closer to discovering what I want from life and how to get there.

[are you kidding]

Eric man you can write, wow you can write.