MLC or just an EA?

[BeingMe]

Gosh! There are so many similar things with our sitches. My H sounds like yours - also worries about his age, depressed, thinks he has not succeeded in his career (but he has), how he looks (been buying younger clothes). We are also immigrants (14 years out of our homeland now) ... in our case to Canada. Our H's five years younger than us. I don't have a career, however, but my H does and travels a lot. I am studying for my degree, so hoping to have a career.

Thanks for visiting my site, Angel. It does seem as if you are five years behind me. At that stage, I had a lot of hope. I think you have more to be hopeful for ... your H is more open and transparent. Mine hid and lied, so it was hard to trust (even now), and to know what's happening. I don't snoop anymore.

But, to your sitch ... do follow DB'ing. It does work. Giving your H space to think, does not mean giving him permission to have an open M. No, it means space with certain boundaries which includes no connection with OW.

Perhaps you can woo him back ... very subtly, of course. I don't know how that would look like, maybe wear perfume from when you were first going out?

Just some thoughts. Take care.

[angel61]

Thanks BM. I was just thinking that a certain personality type is prone to the MLC/EA thing. Men who are driven, ambitious, and perfectionists. I am sure your H is like that too.

Funny, I have started wearing the scent I used to when we were dating. I remember he once called me up then (14 years ago), saying he cried, because he dreamed that I died and woke up smelling my perfume and for a moment panicked and thought that his dream was true.

[BeingMe]

That's muh H to a tee.

Weird re the perfume.

[dbmod]

Angel, your being able to talk is a GOOD thing, if you can take it. Find out what was so attractive about the affair for him. I think you instinctively hit on something by wearing the old perfume.

My cousin is a beautiful 40+ year old woman. She wears her hair and makeup like she did in HS, which was the early 80's, and it may have been out-dated then. This drove me nuts for awhile because I thought she could look even more beautiful if she updated it her style (she also wears the blue eyeshadow). But she does it because bot she AND her husband feel younger. They've been married over 25 years and they are still flirty, etc. They have a wonderful marriage.

You seem to have some good clues about your husband. Use them.

[angel61]

Thanks so much. When a new sitch comes up I panic because I feel that it is like uncharted waters, but once I get to the site I feel like someone holds my hand and leads me.
I do have a strong instinct with my H, its almost like I could get inside his head at times, but I only see or feel what he is feeling at present, the "predict what to do" part is the hard one. I am not by nature a planner, I am more reactive. I have good hindsight but not foresight, and this is what is being developed in me through this site. I appreciate it.
For him, his NC thing with OW seems to be holding so far. Last night, he decided to invite a close family friend for dinner, and he cooked a beautiful dinner for all of us. One of his stress outlets is cooking, and I am glad to see that he is starting to address his depression in a positive way. He still is withdrawn from me, but he does speak to me in a normal manner now, for everyday stuff like asking me to do stuff around the house, etc. I am leaving for 4 days today on a business trip, I am glad not to be around him for a while while he deals with the worst days, then maybe when I come back it will be better. It will also give me a chance to pray and soulsearch and plan my next moves. Anyone out there who has dealt with a spouse withdrawing, let me know.
One thing though: he still thinks we have problems, he still is in the "I am not in lov with you" mode, he has not made any committments to saving our M, he is in the wait and see mode right now, and thinks its 50-50 we will one day split up. he did not say this to me lately, this is all a summary of everything we have talked about in the past.

[angel61]

DB mod,

I was thinking of what you said was attractive to him and what I know about OW, and here it is:
1. She is a happy person - does not criticize other people, very sweet and a bit on the mushy side, depended on H a lot, saw him as somebody who guides and helps.
2. She is free - just escaped a bad marriage through divorce, and thus has no responsibilities or obligations
3. She dresses well - designer clothes, etc. She is young, not so pretty, but is slim and trim and healthy
4. She works hard even if she does not need it, quite a workaholic, is very enthusiastic about life.

Myself:
1. I used to be overweight, but justlost 35 lbs. and now am looking good. I cannot compete with OW bodywise as I am older (31 vs. 49), of a different race, but everyone says I do not look my age, and also I consider myself a good dresser, many of those who know OW actually think I am prettier.
2. I work hard and am pretty much accomplished myself but the event set me back in my work output, to the point that my manager noticed it, and I am doing damage control at this point.
3. I am critical of my H, defensive, used to be dominant, and these are what I am working on now, as this is the biggest difference I would say between OW and me. Its not too hard because I am actually a happy, optimistic person as well, just got negative due to circumstances.

I realize now that wooing him back would really take time as words alone cannot heal the rift between us, but I am hopeful. My patience though needs working on, as I just want to feel loved and needed again.

[angel61]

Left today for business trip till Thursday. Talked to my H on the phone - he barely had 2 minutes to talk to me.

The day he left to talk to OW to cut it off, I did something which I think set me back - I panicked cause I did not want to explain to his relatives where he went and have to lie...he really got mad at me then and said I might as well expose him and we could end everything...and then I retracted, and he calmed down.

Now I am feeling so down, even worse than before he cut it off with OW. is it just is mood, his depression dragging me down? Admittedly, understandably, he was more upbeat when OW was in touch with him.

I wonder how long this withdrawal phase is? Anyone out there knows? I need to shore up my defenses for this! I know though that he is reaching out to relatives and friends, looking at the frenzy of calls he has been making on the cell phone records.

[dbmod]

Hi angel,

I know it is stressful. You can expect both of you to have lots of ups and downs, and there's no specific length of time.

What can you do for yourself to make yourself happy?

[Cadet]

You can expect both of you to have lots of ups and downs, and there's no specific length of time.

What can you do for yourself to make yourself happy?

This is correct, times even in the stages of MLC are not reliable.

Have you read the 6 stages of MLC by HeartsBlessing?

The following is the resource thread for MLC.
If your husband is in OW withdrawal then it is at the tail end of replay stage.
Hope this helps.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1539436#Post1539436

[angel61]

Yes, I read that and my impression is that my H seems to be going though the stages quite fast. I think he is starting depression actually. He already has admitted to extreme guilt, has cried, letting me know how inadequate he feels, and is starting to brood and be silent and withdrawing from me. He seems to seek comfort in friends and family - he has been callin relatives he negected during the time he had OW, trying to invite them over, wanting to entertain and cook. I do wish though he would stop and look inside himeself and think things out. I hope the depression stage doesn't last too long too and that he will see the light soon enough!