Help save my WAW

[NotReadyToQuit]

Sorry, this might be a little long but without the background you won‘t get the whole sitch. My wife and I met 13yrs ago in high school and dated for 2 yrs. We broke up before college, stayed in touch, and then reconnected and got back together after college in 2005. I was ecstatic! She has always, and will always be, the love of my life. Everything was great, we were happy, loved each other and got married in late 2008. I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.

About 8 months before the wedding, my wife was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukemia (CML). She never got sick, was never hospitalized, and if you didn’t already know, you wouldn’t have any idea she had cancer. Her CML is managed by a daily chemo pill, and apparently, if you’re going to get leukemia, this is the kind you want. As long as she responds to the medicine, it will keep her in a form of remission.

Obviously this was a shock and changed our entire life plan. Her life dream was to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom. That was my dream also. Because of the chemo, she will not be able to carry children. We froze some embryos before she started, but we don’t have much hope they will be viable. The other thing is the price of the medication. She currently works for a large company that has pretty good insurance, so right now that’s not a problem. I have my own small business, so the cost for me to cover our insurance premiums would be astronomical. Not to say it won’t be an option someday, but as for now, it’s not. I’m still in the start-up phase, so for the time being, she is our sole income. This creates her fear (justifiably so) that she will always have to work, and destroys yet another of her dreams.

Looking back now, I probably didn’t deal with this situation properly. We never really faced these obstacles head-on, and didn’t ever deal with the diagnosis. I constantly tried to be the cheerleader and convince her that everything was going to be ok. I loved her more than anything and as long as we had each other, we would be fine. If children weren’t in the cards for us, maybe we adopt, maybe we just travel more. I wanted her to know that nothing else mattered to me as long as I had her.

To say that we had a great burden thrown upon us early is a gross overstatement. We were just kids. Still are kids (28 now). So we’ve had to deal with a lot of crap in our first two years of marriage that most people don’t deal with in their lifetime. This has led to some depression on both of our parts.

For the last year or so she hasn’t been her self. Pretty down and just worn out. I attributed it to the meds and side effects. I always tried to do anything she wanted or needed and always tried to make her happy or comfortable. About 6 mo ago, she was starting to seem down-right miserable and acted like she was always irritated by me. I couldn’t do anything right and she was always very critical of anything I said. Finally, I sat her down and asked her what was going on. She didn’t seem happy, and didn’t seem happy with US. That’s when she dropped the first bomb.

She told me that she still loved me, but didn’t think she was IN love with me anymore. She thought that our relationship had grown into two good buddies living together. I asked her if she thought she would be happier being married to someone else and she said she didn’t know. We had a good talk after that, but things didn’t get any better at home. She was still so irritated with me all the time and made our house almost uncomfortable to be in. It was like she hated me. We weren’t communicating very well, so I wrote her a long letter laying out all of my feelings, admitting the mistakes I’d made, and ways I would try to change for the future. She didn’t even acknowledge that she had read it. After two days I finally asked her and she looked me in the eyes and just said “yeah.” No emotion or feeling, just “yeah.” Needless to say, that didn’t get us anywhere.

The first therapist we saw, we didn’t like much and didn’t get much out of it. The next therapist (the last) was much better. My w said she just didn’t know what she was feeling and wasn’t sure what to do. She tends to hold grudges and once someone pisses her off or disappoints her, she more or less writes them off. This is what I’ve been afraid of. In these last therapy sessions she opened up a little more and told me she felt betrayed by me. That I wasn’t the person she thought I was, and I didn’t seem like an adult to her. This hurt. She couldn’t come up with any specific examples other than my seeming lack of ambition. She thought that my business sitch (and lack of income) didn’t bother me. I tried to explain to her that it bothered me a great deal, but her mind was kind of made up already and wasn’t really listening or trying to understand my point of view.



The next bomb was when she said she didn’t feel like I could support her or take care of her. She said I just didn’t make her feel like she thought she should feel and that maybe we were never as close or as in-love as we thought we were. I couldn’t believe this. How could she all of a sudden feel this way, and how can you look back and say you weren’t as happy as you should be. How can anyone know that?



Anyways, a few days later (11/18) she said she was done trying and wanted a divorce. She said she deserved a chance to be happy and that there wasn’t anything in our R worth saving. She said I didn’t need to move out anytime soon and could wait until after the new year to find a new place. Since then, I’ve been sleeping in our guest room and things have seemed a lot better. She seems happier and less irritated. We talk more and she seems more attentive and caring. (stupid things like saying “thank you” and “god bless you.”)



I guess I’m just wondering what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want a D, but if she’s going to treat me like trash I need to move on. Her sudden switch in mood and attitude has given me pause though and a little hope that maybe she’ll change her mind. I started looking for apts and she told me that I shouldn’t rush into anything and that I could stay til the end of the year.



I think she is in a really dark place now and doesn’t know what she wants. She seems to be blaming me for her unhappiness and I’m sure there’s a great deal of resentment. Is there hope for us? I’d like to think there is. I’m not done fighting, but it feels like I’m the only one who cares. I’m trying to seem happy around her, like I’m OK and that I’ll be fine without her. It’s just so hard, especially around the holidays and thinking about the future without her. We’re not just talking about a 2 yr marriage, but a 13yr relationship. I just can’t shut the door on that yet. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I’m drowning.