Need insight

[InAPickle]

I'm with ya man.
It's hard though.
She has these teary, sorry, fearful moments.
Then she'll have a show of strength, which is when she pushes my angry button.
When she pulls that "I don't want to be married to you" routine, it's with a cocky almost "coached" smile on her face.
I think she knows it hurts like hell, and is trying to wear me down. I sense OM (internet predator) is coaching her.
But I busted her chops last night, and she went to bed trying not to look upset.
This morning she apologised for making me angry. Can't wait for the next strategic move.
I'm starting to see the pattern.
Being a friendly shoulder during the one, and just STFU during the other.
I'm trying man - I'll get there

[angel61]

Pickle,

I do think you have an opening there - anytime that the tide turns, like what happened with OM backing out, is partly because of some things you did. You have to be careful on how you are handling the situation. Don't push her away. Realize that what you have been doing so far has contributed to the situation now, so since it is positive for you, you must have done something right. Like for me, OW backed out, (i know you are familiar wit my sitch, you also visit my thread) and I think its because H, who like you W at first said that our M was all gone and all he wanted to do was to leave, and that it was all my fault, in the end could not leave because the reaction he expected from me, which was to get angry, try to kill him, etc. did not happen. So he had no reason to hate me, and he ended up feeling guilty about what he was doing to me, and even OW got guilty too.
My advise for now: do not get anry. Let her say what she wants, if you do not want to hear it, just don't respond and she will stop talking, or tell her lets talk about this some other time after the holidays, when we have thought about this more clearly.
My H is now undergoing withdrawal, I am sure from what I have seen here that it is going to suck. I think your wife will too, I am guessing OM is backing out and they will never get to see each other.

I am thinking, just employ delaying tactics when she talks about S or D. Don't answer, argue, etc. Buy time. tell her when the right time comes, she can tell you what to do since she is the one who wants it. That is what i used to do when S or D still came up a lot. Nowadays, its rare.

I know that it is so tempting to agree, even to be the one to initiate an S. I myself have been telling myself to keep my ultimate goal, which is to preserve the M, in mind. But oftentimes I wonder if it is worth it. But again, I think back to what we used to have an it makes me motivated.

I am thinking, our spouses already had convinced themselves at the outset, to justify having an EA, that we were at fault, or that our M's were terrible. They have rewritten our histories. It will take time and patience for them to realize that they still want, need, love us. The more educated and intelligent they are, the harder for them to acknowledge they are wrong.
Hang in there, as I will here on my end.

[angel61]

I also think OM is not coaching her to say that she does not want to be married to you. My H says the same things, he says he cannot imagine us being together for another 30 years or so (if we live long enough).

Its their own justification for the EA. Once withdrawal goes away, lets see if they would still say that. Then maybe, you can try being the one to suggest an S or D (revenge?knowing they have no one to turn to....just kidding, but I think of that in my angry times).

Seeing my H depressed actually makes me alternate between sadness for him, resentment that another woman can make him feel like that, and gleeful at the same time - its like revenge, well at least he gets to feel what I did a few months back, without me having to do anyting bad to him. So do not act on your anger, sooner or later they will hurt themselves by their own choices.

[InAPickle]

Thanks Angel.
Your sitch is further along than mine.
My W is a stubborn, educated person, so I have a long wait.
I don't think the EA is going down any time soon.
It's still exciting for her now.
But the good thing is I am past that first month of hell.
I'm through crying alone in the dark and am regaining my sanity.
SO I'm going to DB my ass off and will definately delay as much as possible.
After communion at mass today I felt God telling me that I am getting stronger while she gets weaker.
Not sure what that means, but I am hopeful.
It's true what they say, don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see.
She definately thinks the last five years of our M were bad, but I look back and see a lot of good times.
I just have to delay and wait and wait and wait.
Please everybody - pray for me.

[InAPickle]

Pickle,

I do think you have an opening there - anytime that the tide turns, like what happened with OM backing out, is partly because of some things you did.

The only thing I did was put the fear of exposure in her head. I confess it feels kinda sweet after the misery she's put me through. I still have to deal with the OM being her best friend and suggesting she postpone her trip. I probably screwed up big time admitting to her that I thought about putting her stuff in the driveway and telling the whole world where she'd been. My bad.

[InAPickle]

I also think OM is not coaching her to say that she does not want to be married to you. My H says the same things, he says he cannot imagine us being together for another 30 years or so (if we live long enough).

Does he have "pleasant smile" when he says that?

That's what puzzles me about these "talks".

[angel61]

I do see that funny smile as well, but in a different situation. One wwas when my H first told me that OW was getting guilty. I was expecting that he be sad, but he had that weird smile.

The "he is getting weaker and I am getting stronger" phrase for me came from him, not from God. Again, said with a weird smile, and a playful push (i felt that was odd behaviour considering what we were talking about. maybe they are really just nuts).

I, like you, am Catholic. We go to mass together and it always kills me when he goes to communion. At mass today he was so prayerful. At first, I used thought od had forsaken me, te pain seemed so bad without let up. But as time goes by, I realize He listens. Last weekend, I had the intuition tha OW was finally decided, and it was right.

Today though, I am realizing just how bad withdrawal is. I am so effing mad that I again want to just scream and let him go or leave or something. I am trying to decorate for Christmas and he is driving me crazy, not helping, being stubborn, being so hurtful.

But i realize its just signs of the depression and weakness. So here I am venting and hopefully by the time I go downstairs I will be cool again and not on the verge of tears.

[InAPickle]

I cannot tell if it's an act or genuine trying to make nice.
But yesterday went smoothly and "cordially".
No mention of D or wanting to "talk" - no teary spell.
W was upbeat the whole day after that early morning apology I mentioned previously.
And she slept in the bed last night.
I don't get any warm fuzzies from her though.
I think she's still scared to death I'll freak out and expose.
So I don't expect her to be open to any kind of re-connection.
Am I being paraniod about this or still angry?
I am here in the same house with her and you guys aren't,
But if you have any wisdom to offer, I'd like to hear it.