Is there any reason to hope - yet another one

[Harrier]

I'm sorry that's meaningless. I tend to feel that DB only prepares you be divorced and doesn't really save any marriages. All this talk about how you DB and work real hard and they you have story after story after story of the W or H who just keeps on walking.

I mean regardless of this "system" one will have to be prepared to get on with your life no matter what your SO choice is. I can want all I want to be married and have the family back, but if my SO doesn't want that it doesn't matter.
Yes I can be hopeful, optimistic, etc and that will have an effect on my SO, but if it's not enough of an effect, so what.

time is precious. It's the only thing I can create or make. So the cost is significant lets not gloss that over.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm beginning to question this method.

[sgctxok]

Wow. I apologize, then Harrier. Because that isn't true. DB really works. I'm an example. But I'm not good or detailed enough to bump up the examples. And the truth is most of the success stories don't stay on the board or even post. They write a letter.

Another thing about statistics. One of the greatest areas of statistics is the weather. You can look at the statistics for the weather for your area, and it still won't give you the temperature or humidity for your area on a given day.

I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT you have a great chance in choosing your own outcome...because YOU are part of that equation.

Choose.

[Truegritter]

time is precious.

So is a Marriage.

And

Vows to love someone, in good times and in bad, for better or worse.

This may be the worse.

That is just my opinion.

You must figure out where YOU come out on all this.

[sgctxok]

time is precious.

So is a Marriage.

And

Vows to love someone, in good times and in bad, for better or worse.

This may be the worse.

That is just my opinion.

You must figure out where YOU come out on all this.

Yep

[Harrier]

More and goodbye for now.
The last week or so I've taken it easy with my wife. Basically trying to live my life and let her live hers, of course there are the kids to take care of. Several times my wife noted that things were going well. In fact, I think if we didn't have the D hanging over us, it would have just been a normal weekend.
But today I was reminded that we do have the Big D hanging over us. Something sparked a small fight with W. Then she told me that she still has a long way to go with regards feeling better about me and us. I know that is the case. She did acknowledge that she is a little crazy now. She did give me some indications that she is looking at working on things. After the fight we were playing with our son and my W says.."It's just going to take some time." That seem to be her theme during the fight too. I was thinking, but didn't say, if we get divorced it doesn't have to take time. This could mean nothing of course. She has to decide if she can get past some of the things about me and how long it will take.

She also said something very interesting with regard to the DB process. She knows nothing about it nor what my plan is. But she said..."It's like you are trying to win me back by being a good husband and father." It's like she saw right through the DB process or at least how it appears. I just said I was trying to do better to make me feel better (which is the truth), but I can't deny that trying to win her back is part of the DB process as I see it. It's just how you do it.
The change has to be real. W's can spot faking it. Of course, I know my W is no dummy...she has a PhD in psychology for chrissake.

So I think I need to take a break from this site for now and not read stories and just focus on improving me. I will try to keep you abreast to see if mine will be a "success story" or not. I hope it is (for the obvious) but for other newcomers here.

[dbmod]

Ok. Sometimes that is a very good thing to do. I'm happy you've made progress.

[angel61]

HI Harrier,

For a while I felt that way too .... did not want to read about other peoples problems. But now I have come back because I did see that DB does change things, as you stay longer and longer in this situation.
My H and I are both MD's and I had the same thoughts - like is it all a game? He will see through me.... but after a month of doing it, and reading also other books, I can feel real changes going on inside me, and also, my H has started feeling more comfortable at home, knowing I am not going to attack him, defend myself or make his life more miserable than he already is.
my H did say to me that he felt that if we both become strong again, then we would have more hope of reconciliation some day. He said that had I gone down the path of self destruction, all the more would he have been pushed away. Right now, I feel that I am the stronger one, after learning all his DB techniques.
And its true, that DB prepares you for both reconciliation and/or divorce. I chose to fight for saving our marriage, so everything I do I always ask myself if it will make me reach my goal.

[Harrier]

Okay now.
It's only been a couple days. There were some good things but also 2 fights (100% my fault). My therapist said last week that it is okay to be mad sometimes. I took this too much to heart. My main issue with W is her possible EA. She has limited contact but not cut off. But I am to the point where im so po'ed at her about it it comes out in other ways. Not good.
So today we agreed that we were going to tackle that issue 2nite. Later I realized I wasn't ready. Before bed, she asked me if I wanted to talk 4 a few.
It was just light chit chat…maybe 5 mins. I left. Then like an idiot I went back and asked If there was something she wanted to talk about.
She turned the question on me. I said I want to talk about this guy and where we stand, but I dont think now is the time. As in this stage of the fallout.
She then says we can have a BIG talk on thursday about everything.
It seemed she wants to make a decision. She added "I hate being in limbo"

Now I don't know what to do. Obviously, I'd love to hear she has decided to commit to the M as we work on things. However, it could also be she wants the D sooner rather than later. Time is one thing I have working 4 me. Clearly, if she doesn't bring it up. Im not going to. She tends to forget when we agree to talk. But if she doesnt, I dont know if I am prepared for the negative. Especially since things seemed to be improving.

Want to weigh in?

[Truegritter]

I said I want to talk about this guy and where we stand.

You need to figure out where you stand first.

You are giving her all the power in this.

How does that feel?

We all come here with that kicked in the jimmy look on our face. It is not attractive.

SO

You cannot control her choices.

Just acknowledge that for yourself. You can control what you want.

I would just listen if she brings it up.

Then validate her feelings. "I understand how you feel that way." or repeat what she says to you so she knows your listening.

"I hear you saying you get upset at me when I do X. I understand how that might upset you."

None of this is agreeing with her right now but you are agreeing she has those feelings.

THEN

About OM. What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved. I am not talking taking her back at any cost.

And you must communicate that when the time is right.

I can say it no better than Bworl

W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.

If this is how you feel. This is a great way to say it IMO.

YOU take the power back. YOU have made YOUR decision.

You are not placing anything in her hands except her own choice to come back to the M.

You will not be a victim of her choice either way.

You will have made your choice.

See the difference and how you feel and how you are perceived?

[Harrier]

True,

I appreciate the response. I know where I stand on this and have made it very clear to my wife. So the issue really is finding out where she stands. I know I can't change it, but I think I do need to know.

I disagree to an extent about the power. The sad fact is that is any state in only takes 1 party to file - to end a marriage. Regardless of what the other person wants.

I'm still waiting on how do address the OM issue. It is there, but it isn't really as bad as some of the stories on here. It hasn't been physical, no declarations of I love yous, no late night 2-hr phone calls. I think she needs to sort this out about what it means that she went down that road. Once that happens I can respond accordingly. I know it sounds like I'm giving up power, but I don't want to take power over something just to prove a point and ruin my marriage. I agree at some point, if this continues, she's getting the speech that I cannot and will not share her with someone else.

I plan to listen, but I think she's too smart for the validation stuff. Heck she has her Ph.D in psychology. heck I could see her saying "I know you are hearing what I'm saying, but you aren't doing anything about it."