well I'll go to retro, but isn't it somewhat pointless if she is in contact with Om?
Are you saying that this is a hill you are willing to die on?
I mean, it's ok if it is. It would be for some, wouldn't be for others as Lotus has pointed out.
Caution that sometimes what we think right now is not what we will think if confronted with a possibility of reconciliation. I wonder sometimes when people change their minds in order to get their spouse back if the issue does not rear it's ugly head later down the line.
If you are heading to Retro, I don't think that's the place you want to be issuing ultimatums. Consider that her willingness to go with you is potentially a fairly strong positive move. Blessings,
Bill
You have a lot of positives going for you. I completely agree with Bill.
I completely understand your heart getting harder, you've put a lot into this, and you SHOULD be getting MORE out of it. But it doesn't work that way. It works slowly. If you keep your heart open, and give it a chance, you will never regret it. This is what it means to do EVERYTHING possible.
Sandi, IDK if she is having an affair, but signs point to it and I know she can't get the passion and connection she wants with me as long as she is hanging on to what she had with OM. She has been talking about what her and her IC have been working on and a lot of it has to do with her running away. Now she doesn't think she should have ran from OM and she has to trust her gut instinct. She thought we were done before she met him. She has worked with many people closely, but nothing like that ever happened. I know, blah blah blah blah blah.... But, what it all boils down to is he can have her. why would I want to live in a marriage where W is always going to wonder what if... If she could let it go and do what is neccessary to heal us under MY terms, then their still might be a chance for us, but realistically I don't see that happening and I'm not going to sit here and waste my energy on someone that is not moving in that direction.
What I'm trying to say is that you painted the R (and family life)as great, but if she thought you were done before OM entered the picture....then there had to be something that wasn't too rosey. What is she referring to?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
family life prior to breakup had been awful. we both have demanding jobs, we didn't see eye to eye when one was called to work, I had checked out emotionally, she had checked out sexually. Lot's of nagging on her part, lots of running away on mine. Basically lack of respect on both parts, and we didn't have the tools to make it right.
By her own words on our current relationship. I couldn't imagine a better family life, I love how much we put each other first and have fun together, we work together well and we take the time to look through each others POV. She said she can't imagine anything better as far as that part of her life goes. Housework, non issue, priorities, non issue. physical intimacy non existant. emotional intimacy, i have poured my heart out to her and it doesn't change anything. I know she has tried to bury her feelings for OM and it just doesn't work that way when she has everyday contact with him. Now that we have tried for 6 months and she has been giving it her best, she just doesn't see how quiting her job would change anything. She says the problem she has is with the feelings between me and her and she refuses to realize it still has everything to do with him and her innability to let it go.
I know I can't force her feelings, so I will just take care of myself and my kids, and move on with my life.
Did the kid sit down talk.. Let W do most of the talking. 8 year old is going to have a hard time with this again. 4 and 1 year old have no clue. Well I will just pray for them and be the best dad I can be when I have them. I am at a peace and I am looking forward to my new life.
