D & I went to church today, despite my strong urge to stay home in jammies all day. It turned out to be a great sermon starting off the lent season, and well worth dragging ourselves out of the house for. Wish I could recite the whole thing, it was really special.
In the sermon she used planting bulbs as a metaphor. She described it as an act of faith, as a prayer. She compared it to making a call to someone who doesn’t deserve it. She also said we should live today like it is worth hoping for tomorrow.
I am realizing that my task is to ‘plant the bulbs’ of my future. I don’t know what they will grow into or how long it will take, but if I plant and care for them it will be something beautiful. Even if right now it seems like such a hopeless undertaking. All I really need to do is live a life I am proud of, while letting go of the outcome.
Just before church, I had called H so D could tell him good morning. I remember wondering if it was a good DB move or not, then deciding it is just the right thing to do. Even if he didn’t care, my D did. It made her happy and she went strait to Sunday school with no fuss, whereas the last few weeks she didn’t want to leave my side.
It is ok to hope for his return, even while letting go of all attempts to force it to happen.
It is ok to hope for things to go one way while still preparing myself for what will happen if my life follows a different path.
It is ok to love my H and still move on with my life.
I have begun to live my life as if he is not coming home. It was recommended many times before and I was not ready. I am still finding my way and I am only beginning to learn to do this from a place of love instead of anger.
