Fingers crossed for some significant progress via Retro.
I would agree wholeheartedly that a marriage cannot be rebuilt if a spouse who had an affair chooses to continue working side by side with their affair partner.
It's a no brainer really.
Your challenge is to find a way to stay firm on what you know is right and proper, without sounding like you are simply dictating the terms of the new marriage relationship.
I cannot imagine a credible marriage counselor/therapist agreeing with her continuing to work with her affair partner.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
No point in making a decision before Retrouvaille. Just leave everything where it is, get along, pack your bags and go to Retrouvaille. Tell us what you think when you get home.
Deep's wife kept the business relationship with OM and they successfully reconciled. I think it depends on the situation. Certainly, no contact would be better, but this is not impossible if they are really professional in their dealings with each other. Deep and his wife also went to Retrouvaille and did the complete program.
well I'll go to retro, but isn't it somewhat pointless if she is in contact with Om?
Are you saying that this is a hill you are willing to die on?
I mean, it's ok if it is. It would be for some, wouldn't be for others as Lotus has pointed out.
Caution that sometimes what we think right now is not what we will think if confronted with a possibility of reconciliation. I wonder sometimes when people change their minds in order to get their spouse back if the issue does not rear it's ugly head later down the line.
If you are heading to Retro, I don't think that's the place you want to be issuing ultimatums. Consider that her willingness to go with you is potentially a fairly strong positive move.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
well scrap retro i guess. she read the paperwork and decided she doesn't want to go. We talked divorce settlement and she goes in circles all the time about what is still there to work on, maybe we should just stay together for the kids, we could never get the passion back....
Oh well, I just don't want to live in a relationship where that is the best that could happen. We can be civil and figure out a plan going forward of how to raise our kids. I just can't continue to sit around and be with someone who just wants to be my friend, isn't honest with me, isn't attracted to me, and feels that her affair really changed her life...
I'm not angry, i understand and I want more than this.
That's such typical logic....your lives are unhappy, the two of you don't know what to do, you don't see a way to make it better, so refuse to go to Retrouvaille. Things are bad, so why change them? It doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe Retrouvaille won't make things better, but why not give it a try? You won't come out any worse for going. It might make it better, and it might not. But you won't know unless you go.
lotus, that is the confusion for me. Our lives are very happy. We get along great. We have date night every week, put each others needs first constantly and I couldn't imagine a better family life. The passion and desire is gone for her.
After we had our talk about how D needs to look last night I felt like I did right before she came back. I am positive, extremely happy and look at this as a new opportunity for me. I don't really want this for my family and kids, but you play the cards your dealt. When she sees this she completely changes her tune she follows me around, asks me why I am so funkydory about everything, says she would do anything to make this work?
I just let it all slide and tell her "you know what, you say that you love me so much, that you would do anything to make this work, but the truth is you won't attend 1 weekend with me and you won't quit your job".... so I watch your actions and I am coninuing on my path until your actions give me any reason not too.
there is no hate between us. there is an understanding. and I feel completely free of guilt that I did everything I could to make this right. MY actions backed up everthing that I ever said. Right now, I refuse to get sucked back into something that I know isn't right.
Our lives are very happy. We get along great. We have date night every week, put each others needs first constantly and I couldn't imagine a better family life.
How can that be possible when she is having an affair?
Quote:
The passion and desire is gone for her.
The passion for you is gone......not for the OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
