Starting on a different path

[Mystik]

One of the coping techniques I will be learning is called Radical Acceptance. I know that will be the technique I have the most trouble mastering. I feel so strongly in my heart that H will return before we reach the point of divorce, that he’ll give me the baby I long for and can see it all so clearly in my mind. I feel that if I accept the current situation that means I’m ok with it and accept that what I feel in my heart will not happen. Which I’m not ok with, neither the situation nor what I feel potentially not happening. I know that acceptance of and agreement with are two different things, but I’m having trouble separating the two. And I know that accepting the current situation does not impact future events but I can’t separate those, either. Like I told Truegritter, I can’t separate the legal divorce from the emotional divorce. H has already emotionally divorced himself from me. I am having trouble accepting that.

I find myself wondering if this is the path God wanted me on that night I felt Him answer my prayers for H’s return. This road is a real test of my faith. I know that God is only doing what is in my best interest. I know that He has plans for me, for my future. But I also hate not knowing what will happen, I hate not being in control. So having to give up the control is a real struggle for me. I keep laying my problems at His feet, then pulling them back. I need to lay them there and leave them there. I need to let go of my old marriage and my old H, they are gone. But I’m too afraid that if I let go, then I’ll never get him back.