me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
BobbiJo, I have been totally convinced that in the early stages it's best to let the guy ask you out. Many people see it as "his job" so he may expect to play that role. But more importantly, it's an important acid test: does he like you enough to continue asking you out? If he does, he WILL ask you out. If not, then you don't want to be with him. Because you want to be with a guy who is really into you and who is willing to pursue you.
It's awesome being pursued. Guitarist initiated all of the dates between us until very recently. I don't think he saw this as any kind of burden or unfairness. He wanted to see me therefore he made sure that we always had the next date lined up and he was always coming up with ideas of how we would spend our next date.
I don't think that asking a guy on a date necessarily prevents a guy from being into to you (though it might in some cases), but I think that letting the guy do the asking is a great way to screen out all those guys who are ambivalent, lukewarm, not willing to put in the effort, etc.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The John Gray book about dating (something like Mars and Venus on a date) goes into depth why it is so important to let the man pursue--he will be turned off by a woman taking this role, as the "fun" is in the pursuit. The more he has to work at it through the first 3 stages (ultimately there are 5), the more you'll set yourself up for a good, committed R in the future.
Many guys never get do get there, because they are such a "catch" that women throw themselves at him and he gets complacent and lazy. I'm sure this is the dynamic I set up for myself in my marriage as I pursued my H in stage 3 (still important NOT to purue in this stage either!) Men need the "workout" of pursuit in order to build up the "muscles" and do the work it takes in the R.
So true and I am SOOOO completely bad at this! Because I am an impatient sort. So of course the guys who fall for me are the ones I'm not really all that interested in - because they are the ones I don't short-circuit their pursuit.
Not pursuing in stage three is definitely a huge challenge for most women--you are so "grateful" for the attention by someone you are really strongly attracted to that you can barely stand it!
And it feels weird. You still shouldn't pay for anything, you should still give him a gracious smile and tell him thank you for the things he does, but NOT have sex, etc. He is still in pursuit, and you honestly spoil his fun when you give in!
He may say it's what he wants, and he will take it if you give it, but ultimately he is disappointed--the fun is over!!
Lol - once I was flirting online with one of my online admirers. We were imagining a particular sexy scenario. When it reached a certain point, I balked and told him that kind of info was reserved for guys who had actually slept with me in real life. And his comment - so telling! - was "Ahhhhh. Resistance."
Dawned on me then, DUH - maybe I should be putting up more of a fight! lol. I can be so dim.
when I was online looking, I realized I wanted to be 'all that' so that 'he'll like me' and what I'd do to make him happy... jeez, talk about desperate!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I relate. I had some of those convos kml is talking about with a guy I met online when I first dipped my toe in the water last year...only to find once I met him in real life for our first date, I was not attracted to him remotely. Then I felt gross!! So, no more of those conversations. I can still be light and flirty, but nothing with sexual overtones until I decide I like you enough and have known you enough to want to carry them out, eventually...
Not pursuing in stage three is definitely a huge challenge for most women--you are so "grateful" for the attention by someone you are really strongly attracted to that you can barely stand it!
And it feels weird. You still shouldn't pay for anything, you should still give him a gracious smile and tell him thank you for the things he does,
Well just read through part of the book. And turns out LO that I was doing some of that right on my own, even if it felt strange! For example after our first date Thurs I was tempted to text him on Friday, but I felt strongly that I should wait for him to contact me. Then he did later on Friday afternoon and I was glad I waited. He wound up asking me for date #2 Friday, and I went and it was fun!
Yesterday I waited until early evening and sent a text just saying I hoped he was having a nice time with his girls (he got his kids on Sat for their holiday celebration time). Then I read in the book that I did good, bc I just sent a general nice comment and nothing pushy/pressuring... (btw he did reply which is good bc at the time I worried I should have left him alone to enjoy his evening).
Today a good friend of mine who knows my sitch was telling me to send him a flirty text. It felt all wrong to me--so far he has shown that he likes to lead and I enjoy letting him lead. He hasn't gone into overt flirtiness so neither have I. I did not contact him, and then he wound up texting me again this afternoon. I was busy so I did not actually reply for two hours....then he replied back within ten minutes.
So yes, I am going to let it play out and let him initiate things for now...
So, no more of those conversations. I can still be light and flirty, but nothing with sexual overtones until I decide I like you enough and have known you enough to want to carry them out, eventually...