I'm anticipating having to make a decision about whether or not to buy more dance lessons. I've been spoiled this past year. Between the two of us, my W and I will have attended around 30 dance lessons. This is quite an investment, similar to taking a vacation. However, due to my W's recent unemployment, we will need to take a look at if we can continue the same pace. Due to my current financial situation, am not able to contribute to further private dance lessons. We have three remaining, with a dance competition coming in January. My W has bought lessons from her personal savings in the past.
I'm trying to get myself in the right frame of mind to be flexible when the time comes to make a decision. The instructor (trying to make a living) will push us to buy another 10 lesson package. If my W is comfortable buying another one (I don't know what's in her personal accounts), than it's business as usual. If she hesitates, we'll need a back-up plan. I would propose scaling back the frequency of lessons to bi-weekly and paying out of pocket, until we're in a position to buy another package.
The other problem is trying to get my W to practice with me. It's an adjustment since she has returned to work, and is now tired at the end of a day. She was complaining to the instructor that we don't practice enough, but turns me down most of the time when I ask. It seems like I will need to catch her earlier in the evening when I don't have dance classes or when we don't have other plans. The emphasis is more on technique versus choreography this time, so I'm more able to practice on my own. I've been trying to not be discouraged, yet flexible, and either go out on my own to practice with others, or turn the music on at home and practice on my own. If I put negative emotions into the process, she will not want to be my partner in this. I would like to compete with her, but will consider someone else, if she backs out.
I also anticipate when we go to our next lesson, she will paint an inaccurate picture about the reasons for the lack of joint practice. I'll have to decide whether to let my dancing speak for itself, or fuss with her in front of the instructor.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I received an email from my W giving me some guidelines about when she's available for dance practice. She's available in the early evening, as soon as I get home from work, or weekends during the day. In the summer, we would often practice late at night, but that doesn't seem to work at this time.
She attended her last smoking cessation class last night. She seems to be further in the planning process than I've ever seen her. She's talking about buying some type of mint that has nicotine in it. It's going to be an adjustment for her, as coffee and alcohol are triggers for her.
She's ambivalent about the dance competition, and would like to pull out but won't because she made an earlier commitment. She seems out of sorts these days. We've missed our weeknight Salsa venue three weeks in a row. I will encourage her to hold onto the positives, even when she doesn't always feel like it. I will encourage her to continue her commitment to the dance competition, and to continue dance lessons on a regular basis.
The boundaries I think are to allow her to struggle, but not lower my quality of life because of it. This means that I continue to go to lessons or dance venues by myself, even when she's not up to it. I need to stay strong, yet compassionate for myself and both of us.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I had an excellent time at the dance convention. It served as a weekend getaway for us, and was refreshing. She was brimming with positive emotion on the way home. She enjoyed the connections we had made, the time away from her problems, and the chance to rest. We were able to nogotiate a deep discount for a hotel room, so there was little financial stress about the trip. She bought some jewelry while she was there, and seems happy with it. She took the money out of her personal account.
She continues to be ambivalent about the dance competition in January. Her concern is paying for it, and continueing to pay for dance lessons. I'm guessing it will cost around $750. I''m going to continue to advocate that we can find a way to do 2-3 dance competitions per year, as long as they are local, and we buy tickets peicemeal, instead of entire packages. I want to do these becasue of the excitement I have for preparing for and eventually performing in them. It's unusual for me to want something of this magnitude. This is important to me, so would like her to problem-solve with me on how to fit it into our lives. Is she were still unemployed, I would back out, but since she's working, I think we can do this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I didn't sleep well last night, frustrated that we may not have the money to enter the dance competition in January. My tendency is to be overly accommodating instead of identifying and advocating for my needs. I've been letting her decide what to attend and focus on in lessons. I now would like to try a dance competition.
When we were first married we split expenses, which allowed me to save a great deal of money. I took over the expenses several years ago when my W was unemployed for about a year, during a period of depression. This hasn't changed. Since that time I haven't been able to save like I used to. She is generous with her money, and I do have access to the joint account for minor expenses.
I'm finding myself wanting to throw up my hands and tell her to just forget it, maybe to avoid getting my hopes up and later be disappointed. I'm not sure what the best compromise is--coming up with a financial solution to do this event, or waiting until we've had consistent cash flow and trying another event next year.
I sent her an email letting her know that I would like to do 2-3 local dance competitions per year. That's my position for now. I'll need to be flexible about the one in January. I don't want her to do it if it's going to cause financial stress, or her heart's not into it. The dance teacher is skeptical about our commitment to this. We'll need to make a decision soon.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I read an editorial in today's paper from a local professor who at one time was homelees. He reminded us to be thankful for having a roof over our head, food in our stomach, a mind that works, and clothes on our backs. I would add good health, and the loved ones in our lives. This helps put my worries into perspective.
My W is working herself up to quitting smoking. She has the nicotine mints in her purse, ready to use. She knows that regular exercise is a significant part of the solution, and that she will have to avoid certain triggers, such as alcohol. I stand back and let her wrestle with this on her own.
I called and let the dance instructor know that my W and I only want a barebones package for the dance competition (six dances, no food, no parties, tickets to watch the competitions). We'll see if this takes the price down to our targeted range.
i think I'm figuring things out regarding my W and dancing. I'm responsible for my own improvement and practice. I'm grateful for anything my W can offer, but she has the right to not attend any venue, enter any competition, or any class, or provide lessons. I have to be flexible enough to attend classes, or venues on my own, and practice on my own. I have to accept that private lessons will not always be provided, and may have to attend group classes for periods of time. When I go to a venue with my W, she is my priority, and will get the majority of my time. If I encounter problems, I have to plan for them, and work thru them.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Good morning CL, that sounds like it was a great editorial. It's important that we count our blessings, even when it seems like they're few and far between! It sounds like you're putting your energies into controlling and changing the things you can, and acknowledging those things you cannot. Good for you... that's a very healthy place. I struggle with that daily and admire your work towards living it. I hope you have a lovely thanksgiving. FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
My W seems to be in a funk these past several weeks. She hasn't been going to dance venues as much, is spotty with her attendance at exercise classes, is difficult to get to practice dancing. Her commitment to smoking seems to be fading. she spends too much time in front of the computer smoking and drinking alcohol. We talked last night about the importance of engaging in one recreational activity per day. I'm going to influence her to join me in some of my activities (fitness center, dance classes, practices). The good news is that when she goes out, she is usually glad she did, and perks up for that day.
We attended our private dance lesson yesterday, and are continuing on our journey towards the competition in January. My guess is, as we get closer to the event, she will be jolted out of her procrastination, and will put more effort into practice. Until then, I will practice on my own, and try to get her to practice together. She bought a 23 lesson package, with unlimited group lessons, and other perks. This should keep us busy for awhile. My efforts at scaling back the dances to two, scaling back the package to what we can afford, and lobbying for the importance of participating in the competition has paid off so far, by keeping her involved in the process. I think it's important for us to take advantage of this opportunity, and take our dance skills and partnership to a higher level.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W seems to be in a funk these past several weeks. She hasn't been going to dance venues as much, is spotty with her attendance at exercise classes, is difficult to get to practice dancing. Her commitment to smoking seems to be fading. she spends too much time in front of the computer smoking and drinking alcohol. We talked last night about the importance of engaging in one recreational activity per day. I'm going to influence her to join me in some of my activities (fitness center, dance classes, practices). The good news is that when she goes out, she is usually glad she did, and perks up for that day.
CL, have you read any of Harriet Lerner's work on overfunctioning & underfunctioning patterns in couples, and ways to break them? (I mean, break the patterns, not the couples) I think her work might speak directly to the type of interactions you seem to be having here.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, I will look into her books, and put them on my reading list. I was able to influence my W to join me for yoga. We both felt better for going. She ended-up socializing with the teacher, who she admires. We went to breakfast afterward. She was able to nap later in the day. She is willing to commit to the yoga class weekly. We seem to fit well into our fitness club, that we joined this summer. It's only a 10 minute drive from home.
My W and I practiced the technique we learned the day before at the lesson. After some fussing, I was finally able to incorporate some of the movement.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W went to a yoga class on Sunday, a dance class on Monday, and Pilates last night. Every time she goes, she brightens-up, and is glad she pushed thru. I pat myself on the back for agreeing to join our new fitness club. It's close to home, and we seem to fit socially there.
She's more enjoyable to be with when she stays physically and recreationally active. Last night, she considered staying home, but decided she wasn't going to do anything constructive, so chose to go. I decided to leave for class early to prevent her from changing her mind. The problem is settling down after work, and losing the momentum to keep the day going. She gets home earlier than I do, so it's more of a problem for her. I have a brief break after work, so I'm able to keep going.
Her work probably won't last long-term, but it keeps her busy for now. She's helping the owner of three restaurants gain some clarity on his financial status. He was keeping poor records, and making poor financial decisions. He now has some cash-flow problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I think her work might speak directly to the type of interactions you seem to be having here.