Starting again...

[evolve35]

Hey Zen, thanks, I appreciated it.

[evolve35]

Journaling:

This evening I feel peace. I really will be OK either way this goes. I am so thankful this happened before we got pregnant (were thinking about March '11). If God doesn't give us more than we can handle, maybe He knew I might not be able to handle that. Because, I truly believe, this was going to happen no matter what. My H looks for happiness outside of himself. I can't fix him. Maybe he will one day fix himself, but I suspect that won't happen until his next A. Maybe not even then. I dodged a bullet in some ways. I feel thankful... that sounds odd, huh?

I actually feel happiness right now. For some reason, earlier I was again dwelling and regretting times I yelled at him or was rude. But you know what, I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I hope to become a better person with a better focus on my R and what is important and what is less important (work). I have that in me and I deserve someone that can have faith in me to make the changes I need to make.

One thing I know I must be careful of in the future: choosing a partner that is sooo needy. What is it about me that chooses someone like that? I think the answer is obvious and this is where my real work begins.

[evolve35]

Gdub-
I am posting this on my site as I don't want to take the chance of offending anyone on yours.
This is a crazy hour for me to be thinking about your sitch but I had to go in for an emergency and felt compelled to write this. Take it for whatever you want, I don't need a response.

You are on the verge of making a huge decision in your life, that much we can all agree on. You have a W willing to do at least something in the way of working things out...she hasn't completely closed the door on things anyway. These boards are great to have so many people to support us. I, for one, have found much of the advice to be really helpful. However, this is advice from non-experts (unless I am mistaken...) no matter how good it may seem. No matter who it is from. No matter how similar their situation has seemed to your own.

You have come so incredibly far on your own it is amazing. It is amazing what you have accomplished and for as long as you have... you are going to heaven. But, when do you finally unload some of this burden? When is it time to get expert advice from someone trained specifically in helping couples get through this and worse.

I totally get the fear of seeing someone that could make things worse. I get that. As a professional in a health profession I can attest that we are not created equal. There are plenty of other doctors in the hospital that I would not allow to touch my patients. Make a wise choice to the best of your ability.

I found it very hard to listen at all objectively to my H and not factor in what I know about him, what he knows about me etc. over even small things sometimes on a day-to-day basis. With something this large, I think an unbiased 3rd party could do wonders to help sort things out. I think most of our marriages ended up in the state they are in by things that are left unsaid, but maybe even more importantly, by unsettled things that we haven't even identified within ourselves, or they themselves. We can listen to them and try to change the things they have complained about. I think we can do 180's forever. But really, until we understand why we/they complain about the things we/they do, we'll never be able to solve problems permanently.

I feel like you are in a unique (on these boards anyway) position to make a major, hopefully permanent, step forward. At the very least, you can say you tried everything if it fails.

You can lead the horse to the trough... which you have done VERY effectively against crazy odds I might add ...just maybe an expert can help you BOTH see how nourishing and necessary the water is

[hope for zen]

This evening I feel peace. I really will be OK either way this goes.

Good to hear it E! It seems to come and go for me, but lately that feeling seems to come more than go.

I am so thankful this happened before we got pregnant (were thinking about March '11).

While I wouldn't trade my D to have H here with me, I remember my H for a long time refusing to be a father because he "was too selfish." His words btw, not mine. I am thankful for my baby, but I should have listened more carefully to his words back then.

[gutwrenching]

Evolve
Thank you so much for that. I do want to respond to you, cause that was an honest/heartfelt, not something you read in a book or repeated cause you learned it here.

I think you are right, but that's all I want to say right now. I want to digest this, I'll print it out, read it. I got a lot on my mind right now.

More later..

[gutwrenching]

Evolve
I read your post about 5 times.
New plan: I am going to find a good therapist and go myself, alone, at least the first time. I think that (a) I need it and (b) get a pro's opinion on getting my W there and (c) hopefully some no kidding MC in the future.

I am 90% certain I am going to try to hang on thru the holidays...part of the reason why I need the IC too...need a new source of strength as this drags on and I don't want to go into a funk.

[evolve35]

Sounds like a great idea. I have found that calling and speaking with possible MC has been VERY helpful with (b). In particular, Virginia at DB... advice could be applied to other MCs as well.

I think if I were to keep following her advice, I would eventually get H there... today not really feeling like I want to as much. I have promised myself to at least try before D is final no matter how I feel about him at the time.

Today is the first day I have seen H. He has resumed his regular haircut and seemed to need to stay in my area much more than necessary today. We exchanged friendly hellos and kept walking. Know what I felt?... nothing. No butterflies. No yearning for him to come talk to me. I even kind of avoided him, staying in a different part of the critical care unit. He never spends that much time in CCU. Don't know what is going through his mind and cared very little... this I can finally say with sincerity.

[hope for zen]

New plan: I am going to find a good therapist and go myself, alone, at least the first time.

Good plan! Early on in my sitch I was advised by my SIL to find a therapist, not to heal my R, but just to survive this. She has had a few friends go through similar problems. My IC has been the one person I could spill my guts to without fear of it getting back to my H. I recomend IC above MC in sitchs like ours when the spouse isn't interested in saving the marriage.

Take the time to find a good one who is pro-marriage. MWD's advice in Divorce Remedy is great for looking for a IC or an MC who will work individually with you.

Also, just my biased opinion, I think male IS's are better at DB approaches. Just my $.02 though.

[hope for zen]

E -

Sounds like your trip away from your H gave you the space you needed to detach. Sounds like your H is looking for some reasurance that you are still chasing him, but you are keeping a healthy distance from him.

Glad you are feeling better and not letting him upset you.

[gutwrenching]

E -
That is an amazing update, that you can look yourself in the mirror and know that. Guess what...I bet at some point here pretty soon, your H will see it too, cause remember he knows you and will sense it. And one way or the other that is good.

Whatever you are doing, keep it up, cause it sure sounds healthy, peaceful, and strong.

You are doing great my friend.
GW