I am new to this forum and this site. I just finished The Divorce Remedy and I am still confused a bit. My wife and I were together for 15 years, married nine. Last fall, she briefly moved out for six weeks and only came back after I promised to go to marriage counseling with her. We went. After some time, she decided that she didn't like what the counselor was telling us to do and she didn't want to go. She kept telling him that she was too angry to work on our marriage. He suggested she see someone on the side. She did and then left me. For years she wanted kids and I stood in the way of that due to some depression I was suffering through after the death of a loved one. I am now getting treatment for the depression, but it is too late. In early September, she came home one night and told me she was moving out. She already had a place rented and there was no turning back. I begged, pleaded and cried. She would not change her mind. She told me that if I didn't let her have some time, we would not make it. I agreed. For the first couple of weeks, we talked every day and saw each other once a week. At one point, shortly after she left, she was actually contacting me from time to time. Then, all of a sudden around Week 6 of the separation, without warning, she changed. She started being really rude to me and eventually told me in both voice and text that our marriage was over and that she no longer wished to be married to me. She asked to come into the house and take a few things while I was away at a friends house for a BBQ. When I got home, everything was gone. She had completely moved out. But, she left small "hand grenades" for me all through the house. She rifled through boxes of pictures, took the ones that she wanted but left any picture that had me in it. She took many items from our closet but left any gift from me. Anything that was remotely related to our wedding was left on the floor or in a drawer in each room. Our house, which we both loved for years, is now a tomb. I try not to stay there as much as possible. I was devastated.
She was my best friend, my lover and support when things got tough. I know I am at fault for much of this as I was, at best, an "absentee husband" much of the time. But I didn't want us to break up. I was confused and not myself. Now I am facing the holidays alone for the first time in 15 years. We loved Christmas. We would decorate our house like the Griswolds each year. I was so happy when I found someone that liked Christmas as much as I do. Now Christmas is coming and I am alone. I am scared to say the least.
She has now told me all of the following:
1) "I am happier with out you. My friends say I look better since I left you." 2) "I want some one 'completely different' from you." 3) "You blew it, it is over." 4) (When I asked her to remain faithful during the separation, I got the following lovely response)"I won't promise that I won't sleep with someone if the situation presents itself. Isn't that what separation is about? Seeing what is out there." 5) "The past 15 years were great, but I am done with that and won't live in the past." 6) And here is my favorite... "Despite who's fault this is, I am ready to move on with my life and I wish you would too."
I bought The Divorce Remedy and was completely embarrassed when I realized how many mistakes we have made over the years as a couple. We could have saved this thing. And, of course, I made all the stupid mistakes when she left. I sent flowers, cards, letters, emails and gifts while begging her to reconsider. In the beginning, she was receptive, but then something snapped. She got pissed and told me to stop and that it was over. She wanted space and nothing to do with me. I have read the book cover to cover, but I am not sure, other than doing a 180 (which I have started), what I can do. I have not seen her for 27 days. And the last time we were together, she pretty much told me to go to hell and that is was over. I have not spoken to her, seen her, or even been in the same zip code with her in over a month. How is the 180 supposed to work if she cannot see the changes that I have made??? And I have made a ton of them. I have attended counseling, become more loving to my family and friends, realized why I am not a happy person, found a new vigor for my job, joined a gym where I work out four days a week and, in general, decided to not be so uptight about life and all the little pitfalls that come along. I am actually happier as a person, but I miss my wife so much I could die. I know now where I went wrong, but I cannot show her that when she refuses to even be in the same room with me. I also know that her friends, her sister, and her mother are telling her to move on and forget about me. I am quite certain her mother helped her move out. HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO COMBAT THAT??? They see her every day and get in her ear and tell her what she wants to hear. I, on the other hand, can only talk with her via text. I am losing this battle horribly and I am powerless to do anything about it.
My wife was the woman I was supposed to marry. We have had 14 wonderful years together with some ups and downs. Only the last year has been really bad, but it was worth saving. I am very angry at her for leaving, but I am going to have to tuck that away for now. PLEASE HELP!!!! Has anyone out there successfully navigated this situation and turned their marriage around. I love her and I want to grow old with her. But, right now, when I tell her that, she becomes angry and cold. I will continue the "180," but this is killing me...
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
My suggestion is to give her what she wants right now. Continue to work on your changes. The changes are for YOU. Not to win her back. They are not a trick.
There are no tricks to this.
Do you have any children? How old is your wife?
You must take resposibility for those things whcih have caused the problems and work on those things. However I do not think your wifes anger is being caused by you. You must accept that and let her work on herself. No more begging, pleading or crying. I would continue with the LRT. Learn Validation.
sorry about your sitch. Honestly you are doing a great job except for one thing, you are worring too much about your W. The change has to be for yourself, not to impress her or lure her back. If she does come back, that is the bonus. Now is the time to listen to her... MOVE ON. I can almost assure you she has found someone else by her words and change in actions. That much is completely out of your control. So I suggest you reflect back on your relationship, accept it for what it REALLY was, learn from it, continue to better yourself and when you are ready find someone who will love the new improved version of you.
The sooner you can heal yourself, stop thinking negatively and start looking at this as a great opportunity to better yourself, the sooner you will start getting the results you want.
She is 36 and I am 39. We don't have any children and that is part of the problem. About the time that I finally decided I would like to start a family, she wanted to leave stating I had waited to long. No, she has not yet served me with papers. I do have to admit that working on myself has made me feel better. I have stayed committed to my counseling (I go weekly) and my time in the gym (I go ever other day religiously). I am trying to spend more quality time with my family and friends. I am working very hard to lose the negative attitude I carried for many years. I have continued to keep my distance. I have not tried to contact her in a month. Out of the blue, she texted me to say "Happy Thanksgiving" yesterday. I waited two hours to reply just so I wouldn't look eager. Then, I made sure that my reply was short and didn't include "I love you" or "I miss you." I just wished her well and signed off. Thanks for the advice. Take care!
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Take whatever small positives as a good sign. 1-She contacted you! 2-She did not file yet.
Continue to give her space. Keep coming here to vent or read. There is much wisdom here and there is always a lot to learn. Ask questions if you have any.
If you haven't already get out there and start stringing those lights! It will get back to her that the house is as bright as it ever was. You may not feel like it this year or be into it, but fake it till you make it.
If the house is empty fill it up with things you like. Whether it's with people or items you love. Change the house up a bit to your liking.
If you threw a big Christmas party still do that. If you didn't, you might want to consider that.
It is unattractive to see someone moping around. Don't let it get back to your W that you couldn't function and do the things you love just because she left.
I agree with Cadet that you handled the contact from your W well. Keep a PMA at all times and you soon will find you don't have to work at it!
Cadet and Seekinganswers, Thanks for the support. This site is great. I am going to continue to work on myself today by doing something for someone else. A buddy of mine who has really supported me through all of this has to babysit his daughter today while his wife has to work. Their daughter is under a year old and they don't like to bring her into big crowds right now. This is going to cause my friend to have to miss a big game party the rest of our friends are throwing today. So, instead of letting him sit alone, I am going to skip the big party, pick up some steaks and go hang out with him and his daughter to say "thanks" for the support. Yes, I will miss the big party, but I it will be worth it. He is a good friend and sometimes giving back to someone else is the greatest gift.
As for the Christmas decorations, you guys are right. I am going to put every decoration I can find on the outside of my house starting next weekend. At some point, I will bet she will drive by just to see what will happen this year. Won't she be surprised to see our house bright as ever. I love her so much and I would like to think she is just confused right now. But, I can't control her. I can, however, control me. With some help from my counselor, this forum and my family, I will do my best to enjoy the holidays none the less. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support. Please keep in touch!
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Sounds like your friend has a great friend in you, also!
That's the spirit! If you love the holidays, do what you've always done and make them the best that you can. Don't ever let anyone take that time from you as you can never get it back.
Keep posting and asking questions. It can be so confusing and you'll have a lot of them.
You're very welcome! We're all here for each other.
Seeking, Thanks for the support. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned today. I went over to my friend's house and cooked the steaks for him while he watched his daughter and we had a good time. I even took the time to explain to him that the lunch was my way of showing him how much I appreciated the support and thanked him for all he has done. After our talk, I refused to let him pay me for the food and told him just to enjoy the day. Things were going pretty well but then his wife came home. She is a cancer survivor and the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. She came in, greeted me warmly and then ran over and picked up her daughter. My buddy and his wife then proceeded to sit on the sofa and catch up for the day and play lovingly with their daughter. It was such a nice moment that I almost broke into tears in front of them. I couldn't stay any longer. I told them I had to leave and excused myself as politely as I could. I am afraid she now thinks I left because she came home. None the less, the site of them together was just too much to handle right now. I have been sick to my stomach since I got home. It wasn't their fault. They are great people and I cherish their friendship. But, I just could handle watching them together. How have you dealt with such situations? I don't want to have to avoid them as they are some of my very best friends.
Fell
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
