Detachment With Love - Discussion

[psluke]

I think I did the detachment exercises I did incorrectly.

All I managed to do was spin myself up more.

Activity:

1. Is there a prob. or a person in your life that you are excessively worried aobut? Write about it. Then focus on yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?

David is the person and the problem is the marriage or lack thereof! I am not sure what this wants you to write but going to write something so I can focus my head somewhere today!

Thoughts:

I mostly think why can't David figure himself out and give our marriage a chance.

I think why did he choose to have an affair, he has been involved in two affairs previous to this one. Did he not learn how much pain is involved in affairs? Is he morally weak and incapable of maintaing a relationship on an ongoing basis such as a marriage and the only way he can be involved with someone is in an affair where there isn't really the responsibility of working at a relationsip?

Is he incapable or unwilling to focus enough of himself away from his job to maintain a relationship on a full time basis, but at the same time he wants some companionship, some physical relationship, but no full time responsibility?

I also feel sorry for David as I don't see him as a happy person. He covers a lot up with humor, but he used to say I was depressed, which I was, but right now I'm not sure that he isn't depressed. I would say he is definitely unhappy.

Of course I don't see him with OW and I'm assuming he is happy when he is with her, but I don't feel it lasts when he is away from her.

Feelings:

I feel hurt and betrayed that he chose the route of an affair rather than try to work on our marital problems, either through the C we were seeing or if he thought she wasn't seeing what was really going on to suggest finding a different C.

He also chose to involve two of my closest friends and enlist them on his side of the problems, rather than share with me. Therefore costing me two close friends. But when I had called his friend to try to ask him to help David he was angry. He apparently doesn't see he did worse to me with my friends. Entering an affair with one and involing the other in the knowledge of the affair and our marital problems.

I now feel that there is a good chance he actually was involved with J at our house in our bed. This makes me feel even worse about him and the whold sitch.

I also now wonder if they ML at our picnic shelter while I trustingly went to the house and to bed. This is apparently where the dastardly plan was hatched, to D both their spouses. Then they paraded it in my face but still acted as if they were only friends and she acted as if she was still my friend to my face while screwing my H.

This leaves lots of anger, resentment, broken trust. A total not understanding of how David could do this to me and not feel horribly guilty and slimy. How he could face me and himself, with the actions he has committed and the choices he has made or let J make for him.

I actually don't feel he has taken over making his own choices for his life yet. First his mother made them. Then Janice made them, then Pam made them, now Janice again.

But some day if he ever wants to be happy in his life David is going to have to make his own choices.

2. How do you feel about detaching from that person or prob.? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying "attached"-worrying, obsessing, trying to control-helped so far?

I feel I have been making steps to detach from the person/prob. I go back and forth at times. Sometimes I'm great and feel very detached, sometimes I get all cozy with the worrying about the problem again.

If I could detach I would feel better all of the time.

No, feeling better won't happen until I detach on an ongoing basis rather than hit and miss.

Staying "attached" worrying, obsessing, trying to control, has not helped at all, if anything has hindered my forward progress with my life.


3. If you did not have that person or prob. in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is diff. from what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living your life, feeling and behaving that way-in spite of your unsolved prob. visualize your hands placing n God's hands the person or prob. you are concerned about. Visualize His hands gently and lovingly hoding that person or willignly accepting that prob. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. all will be well-better than you think.

I have to come back to this one. It is not something I have enough mind to focus on right now.