I agree with InAPickle. I too am in a very simular situation. However, I did tell my husband that out of respect for our family, myself, himself and our children he needed to let our marriage run its course and end any contant with the OW. I don't know how helpful that will be in the long run, but for me, I feel much better. I have made some progress with the LRT, so keep on doing it as it says that it can take some time. Patience, patience, patience is the key here. Remember keep trying the techniques for no less than a month and see if there are any baby steps at all. You are strong and can hang in there, the Lord is on your side!!! He will not give you more than you can handle and if it seems like he does give you too much, its because He wants to keep you close. Be strong for you and your family!
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
Well, he couldn't take the pressure anymore and has to talk to her. Darn it, why did we have to drive here to LA where its closer to where OW is? He said it is to end it all, but why not just let it go without meeting up face to face? I am sure he is just trying to convince her not to let go, but again, I leave it to God. I just wanted the family to be all together for Thanksgiving to foster a sense of togetheness but I felt like we were separate islands in that sea of family togetherness last night. We sang karaoke and I sang my heart out for him, but I felt he was singing for OW, not me. When will the pain end? Like Pickle in his thread, I feel like packing up his clothes. The only reason I have for stoppping is that I will not hand him on a platter to OW. Nor giveOW a reason not to be guilty.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You are doing really well and I can see that you are growing and getting stronger all the time.
I'm no fan of the tough love position some advocate - but I also think it's reasonable to have some boundaries around yourself to protect yourself and to demonstrate to your H that you are respecting yourself.
Does it hurt you when he talks about OW? I'm not sure if it's OK for him to talk about how he's feeling about OW withdrawing.
If it were me and my H was talking to me about that stuff, I think I'd give him a big hug, hold him out in front of me by the shoulders and with a confident and loving smile say "Gorgeous man, you know I love you and you know I want to save this marriage. There are a lot of things I’m tolerating at the moment, but listening to you talk about OW leaves a bad feeling in my tummy and a dirty ringing in my ears. How about you deal with that stuff that has nothing to do with me and you know where I am when you’ve figured it out. Oh, and by the way, you asked about depression, why don’t you call the GP and make an appointment to get some advice on drugs or counseling that’s available. The Drs number is in the teledex.”
Then I would lovingly enforce that boundary. If he brings it up again, remind him that you’re not comfortable talking about OW and leave the conversation with a confident smile.
You don’t have to throw your spouse’s clothes on the front lawn to make a point. You can lovingly put boundaries around what you are prepared to accept – then enforce those boundaries.
Take care and be strong.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking, that is the best advice I have heard. Applying it would be a challenge. I think it would certainly make Angel61 stronger for it though. Be strong Angel61. Let us know if you use advice from Walking.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
So I guess he really did end it. When he came back from going to see her, which was still quite early in the afternoon, at first he seemed OK, even joined me and D11 at the mall. We joined the rest of the family for dinner, he drank a little too much, at first was talkative then became quiet. Then the next day, we packed, went to an outlet, he still seemed able to stir up enough interest to look at stuff, did not buy anything, then we drove home, and you could sense him gradually becoming more and more depressed and witrhdrawing. I checked: no calls, no texts since Friday. He does act , which is good. Today for most of the time he ignored me. I know I have to give him time, and perhaps staying away is the best thing to do. Good thing I have some business travel tomorrow till Thursday so that will give him time to be alone with his thoughts.
He says that his ending it with her doesn't mean our troubles are gone, and I do see that. But my hope is that without the competition in the long run he will appreciate being here with me again, especially since I have changed in many ways.
Virginia, about my dilemma when he wants to talk about it. It does hurt me, but at the same time, I want to keep our communication going, and also want to know what is happening. I also wonder if given our history of always being open about everything, will he feel rejected if I ask him not to talk about it to me? Will it make his depression worse? I did suggest treatment already and he thinks he is not in full blown clinical depression yet (no loss of appetite or sleep problems, so far, althoug his focus is not good) - which actually makes me think that his depression is lighter, not as bad as when I went through it when I through it, where I really couldn't eat and lost 35 lbs!
I guess I just have to keep going with me detach and GAL and work double hard now to maintain the household, take care of D11, who is also at a loss but I could see is offering her love to daddy at this point, she knows and understands, bless her mature little heart. I will keep it happy and light , be the "lighthouse". Its hard, I just want to hug him, make him feel good if I could, cry with him, and love him, but I guess he won't appreciate the closeness at this point, not until he is ready for it, and I know someday he will come to me for that.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
oops, I have an unfinished sentence. 2nd paragraph: I said he does act oving to D11, hugging her all the time, looking at her with a lot of love in his eyes, which is good.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
True, we have to stop our impulse to flee, again, at least it will not be us who will be responsible for the break up of our marraige, nor will we be doing wrong in the eyes of God if we do head for the big D. We can only pray for our spouses to wake up.
Nina, I will continue doing DB techniques, not sure though which ones. I think that this outcome actually did come from doing it in the first place. Had I continued what I was doing (all the begging, pleading, making him feel guilty, crying in front of him, falling apart under his gaze) I would have drove him away from me, made him angry at me, and OW would probably never feel guilty because she would have perceived him as running away from a marriage that had fallen apart. Instead, he became unsure because with me not getting angry, with me being supportive, reasonable and logical after learning DB, he could not leave anyomore. the decision became harder because he couldn't find a reason to hate me, I am guessing. At first he said it was all my fault, later he started admitting his guilt and stopped talking about my shortcomings.The only thing is that all of this is subconscious. He is a very smart, educated person, but I think it makes it harder for him to come around because he made himself believe that he is RIGHT, he is stubbornly clinging to the concept that our marriage , being based on friendship first, does not have the right foundation and is lacking in romantic love. My challenge is to really make him consciously admit and believe that he does love me and our family, so we can move on.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
