I'm SO sorry about your heated interaction with your "alien". Excellent insight on your part about H projecting the anger he has for his mother onto you. I don't remember you posting that MIL was like this. This seems like an important piece of the puzzle and gaining this key insight may have been worth the conversation that you had.......but maybe I"m confused and my memory is clouded by too much punkin (sorry......I mean pumpkin) pie.
I agree with what everyone has posted to you above about what may have prompted H to pick a fight with you. In addition, is it possible that H picked a fight with you (either consciously or subconsciously) so that the two of you couldn't work on the SA, as you had intended to at the meeting?
Please don't get too down on yourself for taking the bait. You are human. I'm sure you have plenty of positive interactions with H that are so minor that you don't post about them here. This was one interaction of many..............That said........... here comes a 2 x 4 padded in 3 inch "dream" foam and covered with red satin and sequins ............, when you engage H in this way you allow him to take the focus off him and his dysfunctional R with OW. You wrote a few days ago that the two of them are starting to self-desctruct. Mila, step back from the alien and OW (outerlimits woman --- do you remember that TV show?), get some popcorn, and WATCH them do just that, OK?
You have a very difficult situation but you also have some positives to consider. First.....you are not D'ed yet, even though the bomb was 14 months ago. By that point in my situation I had already had a D decree shoved down my throat. .....Secondly, your H has shown some real emotion with you. This is a certain sign of his confusion and connectedness to you. Thirdly, OW in your situation is in the process of self-destructing. If she was a mentally healthy, genuinely caring person it would be more difficult to show H the contrast between the two of you. If you can maintain your loving detachment, in time H will begin to project his negative feelings about his mother onto OW.
Do something nice for yourself this evening......A little under eye concealer will help to cover that bruise from the 2 x 4 (GAG nods knowingly, speaking from experience. )
............, when you engage H in this way you allow him to take the focus off him and his dysfunctional R with OW. You wrote a few days ago that the two of them are starting to self-desctruct. Mila, step back from the alien and OW (outerlimits woman --- do you remember that TV show?), get some popcorn, and WATCH them do just that, OK? 
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