You're right. Your H is projecting. He's projecting a whole lot of stuff. He's feeling left out, he's probably lonely, he wants the world that he knew with you to stay the same, while he goes and does whatever the heck he wants.
You can't talk rationally to a person who is in the state of confusion your H is in. Don't engage with him on this stuff Mila. When those issues come up don't defend yourself. Don't try to have a rational conversation with him. Remember that old favourite .... "I'm sorry you feel that way." Get up and leave.
Your D is 17 yes? She’s almost a grown up. I know that for the past 17 years you and your H have discussed everything about her, but sadly at this time his relationship with your D is between him and her. If he’s got problems with the decisions she’s making to move forward in her life (and this is a hugely important time for her) he needs to talk to her about that. To some extent, he’s probably also forgotten that she is growing up – and she has a right to do things at the time and place she choses too. They need to negotiate what he will be involved in together. That’s tough for her, and I guess in some ways you would like to protect her from having to have those conversations with him – but remember that just as you are learning and growing now, so is she. This is tough stuff for a young woman, but it’s unavoidable for her given the decisions her dad has made.
Mila – you are one class act. I’ve been reading you for most of the time you’ve posted here and I’ve often thought I wish I’d have been as classy as you when I was going through my D.
Please don’t engage with him in these conversations. What he thinks about the way you are behaving is up to him. It’s none of your business what he thinks of you. In years to come, when he’s through this life transition, he’ll reflect on how you’ve behaved and he’ll know in his heart that you have been compassionate, kind and loving.
I don’t normally like to bring up the OW – and really she is irrelevant – but I would make the point that she’s a big influence on your H right now and depending on her own mental and spiritual health, her input into his views and decisions is probably unhelpfully influencing the way he’s reacting to you. That comment you made about her H telling you that H had a closer relationship with D than you … that’s all about your Hs guilt and him telling himself that to make himself feel better. It’s hard for him to maintain that charade when your D isn’t involving him in her big life decisions. He’s trying to keep up that appearance and D is taking away the “proof”. Of course he can’t blame her, so he blames you.
Get out of the way to whatever extent you can as quickly as possible (and you are doing really good, hard work towards that) and let them self implode.
Continue to take care of yourself. The light that is in you shines even through these anonymous posts. You are strong and you are good. Keep remembering that. You are going thorugh the worst couple of years of your life … but you know what … it’s all down hill from her.
(((Mila))) Prayers, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Wow, sweetie, that is hard. Sounds like he threw a full blown tantrum. All that was missing is for him to fall on the floor and kick his legs!
You can't control what he thinks, and i doubt he thinks this way all the time, especially given the tone of your phone conversation the other day. He is feeling guilty ans wants to blame someone else for the choices HE has made.
As far as what to do, I would sugest telling him that you will let him know about important events in your D's life, but will not put your D's or your own life on hold to cater to his schedule. If it is important to him he will make the time.
May be time to pull back from him a little more too. If he is looking for a target, you don't want to be standing too close.
Keep being civil and don't take the bait. He may be trying to get you to lose it so he can unload all the guild and anger he has with himself at you.
Stay strong, keep doing what you have been doing. This is about him, not you.
I know it's hard to stay detached when you're being pummeled like that, and I completely understand your reaction. Nevertheless, it sounds like classic projection to me, on steroids. He's unhappy, and he's still not able to see that HIS choices have unhappy consequences for HIM. If he makes it all your fault, he's hoping that you'll fix what he thinks you did wrong, and poof!, no more bad consequences for him.
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I couldn't believe my ears...this after all I have done, DBing, bending backwards, keeping my mouth shut, trying to keep everything civil between us. All that effort to be nice to him for year and half and this is what he thinks of me.
Remember that everything you've done so far has been, or should have been, about saving and protecting YOU and your D, not your M or your H's opinion of you. Who cares what he thinks of you right now? He's not rational. What do you think of yourself? Are you proud of the way you've taken the high road, cared for your D and your home and your business, and tried to be compassionate and understanding toward your H? You should be, and that's all that matters right now.
Breathe, Mila. Catch your breath, regain your footing. See this for what it is. Then keep going. You're really doing fine!
(((Mila)))
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Mila, Big hugs to you! I'm so sorry he threw such a fit today. He's upset with the consequences of his actions and is projecting everything on to you. It's up to him to be a part of your daughter's life. You are not his mother and can't fix everything for him.
If he's got issues w/what his daughter is doing, he should be discussing them w/her. She's practically grown and has more sense most likely than he does at this time. It's time he grew up and acted like a father and not some child that bounces in and out of your lives on a whim.
Mila, when he's acting out, tell him that you are sorry he feels that way and walk away from him or change the subject. You do not have to listen to his bs. Please do not let this ruin the rest of your weekend. Who knows...the next time he decides to visit from Mars, he will act as if nothing has transpired.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm SO sorry about your heated interaction with your "alien". Excellent insight on your part about H projecting the anger he has for his mother onto you. I don't remember you posting that MIL was like this. This seems like an important piece of the puzzle and gaining this key insight may have been worth the conversation that you had.......but maybe I"m confused and my memory is clouded by too much punkin (sorry......I mean pumpkin) pie.
I agree with what everyone has posted to you above about what may have prompted H to pick a fight with you. In addition, is it possible that H picked a fight with you (either consciously or subconsciously) so that the two of you couldn't work on the SA, as you had intended to at the meeting?
Please don't get too down on yourself for taking the bait. You are human. I'm sure you have plenty of positive interactions with H that are so minor that you don't post about them here. This was one interaction of many..............That said........... here comes a 2 x 4 padded in 3 inch "dream" foam and covered with red satin and sequins ............, when you engage H in this way you allow him to take the focus off him and his dysfunctional R with OW. You wrote a few days ago that the two of them are starting to self-desctruct. Mila, step back from the alien and OW (outerlimits woman --- do you remember that TV show?), get some popcorn, and WATCH them do just that, OK?
You have a very difficult situation but you also have some positives to consider. First.....you are not D'ed yet, even though the bomb was 14 months ago. By that point in my situation I had already had a D decree shoved down my throat. .....Secondly, your H has shown some real emotion with you. This is a certain sign of his confusion and connectedness to you. Thirdly, OW in your situation is in the process of self-destructing. If she was a mentally healthy, genuinely caring person it would be more difficult to show H the contrast between the two of you. If you can maintain your loving detachment, in time H will begin to project his negative feelings about his mother onto OW.
Do something nice for yourself this evening......A little under eye concealer will help to cover that bruise from the 2 x 4 (GAG nods knowingly, speaking from experience. )
Thank you so much Walking, Hope, Twink, Warrior, Snodderly & GAG....thank you for your support and advice, I really needed it yesterday.
Walking...I thought that it was understood between us that D is old enough for H to communicate with directly...obviously she is not keeping him in the loop, when she wants or needs something she just comes to me, also because she has learned in the past year that she can't rely on him, he is there only when it suits him, not when she needs him. So yes he is missing out on her life and he blames me for it.... And thank you so much for your nice words (blush), you are sweet and I really appreciate it
Hope -
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I would sugest telling him that you will let him know about important events in your D's life, but will not put your D's or your own life on hold to cater to his schedule
That's what I thought I was doing...but he apparently wants us live our life around his schedule.
Twink -
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Nevertheless, it sounds like classic projection to me, on steroids. He's unhappy, and he's still not able to see that HIS choices have unhappy consequences for HIM. If he makes it all your fault, he's hoping that you'll fix what he thinks you did wrong, and poof!, no more bad consequences for him
That sounds about right...if he makes it my fault he doesn't have to feel bad about himself. Twink, I'm proud of my conduct throughout this ordeal, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I have done everything I could and more. I can look in the mirror and like what I see, unlike my H.
Warrior -
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What I have noticed, is if you get a break from Monster/Alien, you forget how to react at the moment the craziness rears it's head
Wow you are so right about that....like you just forget that they are insane and try to talk to them like to normal people. After all this time...how could I fall for it again....
Snodderly -
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He's upset with the consequences of his actions and is projecting everything on to you. It's up to him to be a part of your daughter's life. You are not his mother and can't fix everything for him.
The sad part is that he thinks that there is nothing wrong with him or his actions...it's everybody else that is making life difficult for him....especially me.
GAG - I'm sure that I mentioned H's mom and her lifelong depression, anger and bitterness over his dad's leaving them when she was pregnant with H. I don't expect you to remember all the posts on my very long tread LOL.
Since the bomb I have been compared to his mom by H more then once....I'm nothing like her...on the contrary. I know that he has unresolved issues from childhood regarding his mom and I guess he is projecting them onto me.
You brought up an interesting point
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is it possible that H picked a fight with you (either consciously or subconsciously) so that the two of you couldn't work on the SA, as you had intended to at the meeting?
...very possible. We were supposed to go over the SA, I started and asked him about his comments if there is anything that he would like to change...he said already in an irritated tone of voice...that "to protect her as*, your lawyer wrote in there that I should get legal advice and then she puts a dollar limit on how much can I spend...that's ridiculous. I replied that she probably put it there because all the legal costs are coming out of our joint account...and that if he doesn't like it we could increase it or take it out all together. Then I asked if there was anything else in the agreement that he wanted changed...and that's when he started verbally attacking me. And that was that didn't talk about the SA anymore.
And thanks for the "padded" 2x4 I deserved it...stupid of me to let him suck me into his craziness yet again...when will I learn????
There is more about yesterday....I will start another post this one is getting too long.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
After coming back from the disastrous morning meeting, through my tears I wrote the post on my DB tread and then sent an e-mail to H....I know, I know....didn't obey the 24hr rule...I'm already dodging the 2x4s. I just felt that I needed to go on record that I don't agree with his statements...just a gut feeling. This is what I sent to him:
H, it's hard to describe the pain and deep sadness that I feel right now.....how could our relationship so deep and loving for so many years be where it is now, how could two people that were so close and the best of friends for so long be so divided...I just can't make any sense out of this.....the sadness is overwhelming.
Please know that regardless of what happened in the past year and half I don't hate you, I don't mean you any harm, I don't go out of my way to purposefully hurt you or punish you...I wish that you could believe that. There is no conspiracy against you, I'm not vengeful or calculating my actions to "get back at you" and the last thing I would want to do is to prevent you from having a good relationship with D.
I'm trying to live my life the best I know how, to be the best person I can be. It's not easy to navigate thought this journey, there are many stages and many emotions to deal with and I'm sure that I will make some mistakes along the way...but one thing I'm certain about is that I have no hate for you in my heart, forgiveness is what I strive for.
I hope that some day you'll look deep inside and realize that I was never your enemy and that I never meant you any harm.
At the same time as I clicked the send button I received an email from him:
Mila, I am sorry, I really don’t want to fight with you, I miss us not fighting... I am sorry
To that one I replied
I miss us not fighting...I’m sorry too
Then he was quiet, no reply to my fist (long) email.
Then D wanted to go shopping for a Xmas Formal (grad dinner) dress, so I sent an email to H that we are going shopping for it. He called and and asked if the email was an invitation for him to go. I said that I was just informing him that this is what we are doing since he wanted to know about everything having to do with Grad and he is welcome to come if he wants to. So he said yes. I told D and she said "I told him this morning that we are going and he didn't say that he wants to come....Maybe he felt obligated because he put up such a fuss to be included.
We picked him up, first thing D said to him when he got in the car "That's weird that you wanted to come, you hate shopping"...he didn't reply. Anyway he followed us through the stores, it was very awkward actually...we hardly talked ...like we had nothing to say to each other and 2 hours later and D didn't find a dress that she liked...
That's it for yesterday, still no reply to my heartfelt email....until this morning this is what he replied
Thank you for your beautify written email. I want to say that I agree with everything you say... And feel...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
No 2 X 4's coming from me. That was a beautiful letter you wrote and I think when you're as far along in this as we are, and knowing there is still a long way to go, a message like this won't do any damage and just maybe plant a few seeds. Who knows? The worst has already happened and it's not like it's going to push him out the door.
I'm thinking it may be time to write something similar to my H.
............, when you engage H in this way you allow him to take the focus off him and his dysfunctional R with OW. You wrote a few days ago that the two of them are starting to self-desctruct. Mila, step back from the alien and OW (outerlimits woman --- do you remember that TV show?), get some popcorn, and WATCH them do just that, OK? 
)