You're right. Your H is projecting. He's projecting a whole lot of stuff. He's feeling left out, he's probably lonely, he wants the world that he knew with you to stay the same, while he goes and does whatever the heck he wants.
You can't talk rationally to a person who is in the state of confusion your H is in. Don't engage with him on this stuff Mila. When those issues come up don't defend yourself. Don't try to have a rational conversation with him. Remember that old favourite .... "I'm sorry you feel that way." Get up and leave.
Your D is 17 yes? She’s almost a grown up. I know that for the past 17 years you and your H have discussed everything about her, but sadly at this time his relationship with your D is between him and her. If he’s got problems with the decisions she’s making to move forward in her life (and this is a hugely important time for her) he needs to talk to her about that. To some extent, he’s probably also forgotten that she is growing up – and she has a right to do things at the time and place she choses too. They need to negotiate what he will be involved in together. That’s tough for her, and I guess in some ways you would like to protect her from having to have those conversations with him – but remember that just as you are learning and growing now, so is she. This is tough stuff for a young woman, but it’s unavoidable for her given the decisions her dad has made.
Mila – you are one class act. I’ve been reading you for most of the time you’ve posted here and I’ve often thought I wish I’d have been as classy as you when I was going through my D.
Please don’t engage with him in these conversations. What he thinks about the way you are behaving is up to him. It’s none of your business what he thinks of you. In years to come, when he’s through this life transition, he’ll reflect on how you’ve behaved and he’ll know in his heart that you have been compassionate, kind and loving.
I don’t normally like to bring up the OW – and really she is irrelevant – but I would make the point that she’s a big influence on your H right now and depending on her own mental and spiritual health, her input into his views and decisions is probably unhelpfully influencing the way he’s reacting to you. That comment you made about her H telling you that H had a closer relationship with D than you … that’s all about your Hs guilt and him telling himself that to make himself feel better. It’s hard for him to maintain that charade when your D isn’t involving him in her big life decisions. He’s trying to keep up that appearance and D is taking away the “proof”. Of course he can’t blame her, so he blames you.
Get out of the way to whatever extent you can as quickly as possible (and you are doing really good, hard work towards that) and let them self implode.
Continue to take care of yourself. The light that is in you shines even through these anonymous posts. You are strong and you are good. Keep remembering that. You are going thorugh the worst couple of years of your life … but you know what … it’s all down hill from her.
(((Mila))) Prayers, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
