There are many ways in which this often is very much like our high school days.


Understand that this woman made a serious mistake. Despite how she might act or what she might say about it, unless she is completely amoral, she KNOWS that what she did was wrong. Guilt pokes at her continuously and oddly enough, it usually gets directed at the spouse. After all, it is easy enough to reason that YOU are the reason she felt compelled to turn to another.


This is part of why conversations with the leaving spouse are so difficult and dangerous. In our vulnerable state, we READ INTO everything they say and every way they act. We are seraching earnestly for a clue as to the likelihood that they are softening towards us.


Well, this course of action is particularly frustrating and harmful to us, in part because we expect nice = love and mean = hate. Clearly it's not nearly so simple.


You remind her of what went wrong.
You remind her of what she did wrong.
You make her feel guilty.
You make her feel angry.



The tough road is figuring out how to interact with her at all, and yet so many new people on this site start some positive new habits and then HOPE for interactions so that those new habits will win their spouse back. Wow. Just think about it from her perspective for a bit and you realize how unlikely that is.


So what's the answer?


Well, it's entirely counterintuitive.


Leave her be. Stop fighting against what she says she wants. Stop pointing out all that she's giving up, stop trying to convince her she's making a mistake. Show her that you love and respect her as a human being enough to let her go her way, regardless of how it tears you apart inside.


At the same time, make it clear how you REALLY feel about her. Make it clear what you want, and what a life together means to you, including what is tolerable and what is not.


Then step aside.


Stand true to your words. Do not back down from what you know is right. And never become something you are not just to appeal to her. Consistency. Integrity. Personal growth. Improvement. Strength. Honor.


These need to be your hallmarks.



You don't have to turn your back on her. But you do have to let her go.




Blessings,

Bill

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."