It'a All About Me

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Kudos to you for walking away from H and D and going inside. Did H seek you out to say good-bye before he left?

On Christmas, would your H be comfortable around your parents and vice-versa?

In your case, if I thought H would be alone for Christmas, I would invite him. I would throw it out there as a casual thought (not a big deal if he declines).

Maybe something like...
"You realize H that Christmas is coming, if you haven't made plans you are welcome to join us for the festivities".

If H asks you direct questions about the plans, answer them without adding too many details. Let H decide for himself without any pressure.

It would be perfect if you could plan to ask him on a day he was obviously around you and you just so happened to be decorating/baking at the same time. Our decorations and traditions are usually good for making them realize just how nice home is...and we are for that matter.


Your H has been very thoughtful towards you and appears comfortable being in your presence. You may want to ponder this a tad bit longer, maybe til December 1st to see if H continues to gain progress. The In-Laws visit was a large set back. Your H seems to be making progress of comfort about you albeit at a reserved rate.

I would be aware of my self-preservation on this one. I would hate to invite him and have him accept and make plans for his presence only to have him back out last minute.

Since my H filed for a D, I will not be inviting him to anything concerning me and son. We have Thanksgiving this coming Thursday, son and I are staying home and H will not be invited. Christmas will be the same story.

(((Cas))) I have a feeling your strength at this time would allow you to accept any answer from H on this one.

You are doing just wonderful

Sanderika

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

Congratulations on your new job! YEAH!!!! In this economy it speaks volumes about you that you were offered this position. I hope that you get a nice raise too that will help ease any financial pressures that you might have in the wake of H's departure.

I always look forward to reading Sanderika's wisdom. She gives such wonderful feedback! Sanderika, thank you for sharing.....and glad to hear that you are feeling positive about your current interactions with H.

Cas, I think your H is doing this. I think he knows exactly how good it is at home. I think he is cautiously testing the water without getting too close. He is comfortable enough to take a recipe book and didn't behave selfishly. He gave you a container of soup!! In a sense of MLC selfishness....you would not have been one he would have shared it with.

BTW, I hope it was delicious and you thanked him and told him so (if it was, that is). This would be a very good opportunity and situation to validate him and make him feel appreciated.

It seems very significant the H left you a gift of the pumpkin soup he made. If I recall correctly, you and H talked about recipes in the past. Is it possible that this is a thread between the two of you that you can use to grow closer? The holidays are a perfect time for this. There are a number of research studies reporting that cinnamon is an aphrodisiac for men so maybe you can keep this scent in your home or bake or cook with cinnamon when H is around.

Are there any foods/scents that would remind H of wonderful family times together? (This is an advantage that OW doesn't have.) Scents activate a very primitive part of the brain (the limbic system) to trigger old memories of times in the past when a person smelled those scents.........Would H ever cook WITH you on one of those weekly dinners together? That could be an opportunity to set the mood with scent and do some flirting. Perfect opportunity to spoon feed H a taste of this or that for flavoring (e.g. "Do you think this needs more salt?"), wipe his mouth with a tissue or your finger, lick your lips and make soft "Oohs" and "Aahs" like you would if you were having $ex with your H............Think about it.........

On my thread I posted about my session with Jody yesterday. I think there are some nuggets in there for you too.

In your case, the holidays will also bring interactions between H and MIL, so that may create some turbulence too. Make sure to take care of yourself. We're all here for you.

GAG

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi ladies, congratulations on your job Cas, well deserved.. Im gonna apply for my boss's job even though Im wobbling about it, its gotta be better than keeping doing my own, its far too boring and I want more input into running the team!

Your H continues to be around a lot, which is good, interesting he is talking about the holidays, really hope he comes up with some thing worth going forward to!

Off to check outs GAG's thread

[dolphin_05]

I think this is interesting.....had surgery Wed and H emailed me the night before wishing me the best. I haven't heard from him since although D says he has been asking her how I'm going. Previous surgeries he's phoned me the day after and brought kids to visit as well. Our relationship is much better these days than when I had the other surgeries.

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Glad you are doing well after your surgery. I believe you said this is your last one....Hooray to an end of that!!

I would say in the previous surgeries your H was acting out of obligation to you and the kids. He brought the kids to visit
because he felt he had to. Even though they are behaving like a cold dead fish, they still don't want people to think badly of them. I would recall that you also stated that he was rather removed about your situation and lacked genuine concern.

H emailing you personally is a real breakthrough. It shows genuine thought of you and was an effort of direct communication
so that you would know he was thinking about you and your surgery. I am concerned that you have not heard from him afterwords. I will be anxious to hear when and how he makes contact. For him to ask D does show you are on his mind.

I have come to realize that they want us to be well and they genuinely want the best for us. I do believe that they do still love us. I believe that they are surprised by these lingering feelings and truly can't seem to figure out how to right this huge wrong they have created.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here. Even though I did not invite H to our dinner, I sent him a text: Happy Thanksgiving Day wishes to you! I never got a reply. I said I would DB to the bitter end. Son and I spent a very quite day at home with good food just the two of us. I will admit here that I am actually very hurt that I did not get a reply.

H and I had been sharing some very fun chats and interactions, including him doing several nice things for me and vice-versa for the past month. We involved our son and had some glimpses of family and I was wondering if he was peaking out of the dark. Yesterday proved his side really has not changed. I guess it's still a classical one sided friendship:(

I am actually mad at him, really mad at him.

My thought of the day.....They want friendship only and only on their terms.

Continue to recover well, (((Cas))). My thoughts are with you.

Sanderika

[Lost Rabbit]

Wow interesting behaviour from H.. Good to hear you are coming through the last OP ok Cas! Hope you had a good thanksgiving x

[dolphin_05]

Glad you are doing well after your surgery. I believe you said this is your last one....

Hoefully!! Although the surgeons and hospital staff are wonderful I've had enough of their company!!

I would say in the previous surgeries your H was acting out of obligation to you and the kids. He brought the kids to visit
because he felt he had to. Even though they are behaving like a cold dead fish, they still don't want people to think badly of them. I would recall that you also stated that he was rather removed about your situation and lacked genuine concern.

That's right. He did the right things but didn't really seem to be present. Now this time, I thought he might make some contact, given that he gave us soup just last week. He took D out all day yesterday and came to the door to collect here but didn't come inside. I was on skype when he was last night but no message. I am tempted to say something. He says he loves me as a friend......ha ha. Lately he's sent me messages asking about my job interview, my review etc but not how I am after surgery. I don't understand that. I wonder if he's deliberately showing me he doesn't care about me.

I Yesterday was Thanksgiving here. Even though I did not invite H to our dinner, I sent him a text: Happy Thanksgiving Day wishes to you! I never got a reply. I am actually mad at him, really mad at him.

That's just poor manners. No wonder you are mad!

My thought of the day.....They want friendship only and only on their terms.

Yes! I'm tired of always considering their terms!!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I can't thank you enough for the support you give to me.

I am going to apologize in advance for venting and rambling.

This whole weekend, while I have GAL like crazy, I have been down right depressed about my situation.

Things aren't as they should be!! D@mn It!!

Wednesday was my last day at work. I did quit the job for the reasons I said about an abusive boss. H was very supportive and actually had a hand at convincing me to give up the job. He actually called me twice a week to ask how I was getting along with the big a-hole. He told me to just quit, stating that I didn't deserve to be treated the way this guy treated me.

Son and I actually experienced a nice and very friendly H for over a month now. He has spent days here doing things like putting up firewood for us. He had spent four weekends in a row (til this one), either all of it or at least half of it, with son.

Last weekend I had a part on my truck break and H took charge of it and fixed it for me. I was in shock over that one!! In fact he was really nice to me right up until Monday night this week.
Then it's like a switch went off and he turned away and has been actually rude and cold. I assume OW saw my truck in my shop last weekend and gave H a ration of cr@p like he's never had.

While it really bothers me, I realize H is a mess. I am not going to get caught up in this drama. I assume it has more to do with the OW than anything son or I have done. I also wondered if it bothers him that we are nice to him after all he has done.

What is it that allowed me to stop and wonder if he was having second thoughts about us? How come just because he's nice to us, I assume he is?

My H is currently behaving just like yours. I am sick of it.

I cannot let H's behavior towards me continue to suck me in.

How do I stop? How do I shut off my emotions and feelings for this man? What is it that I can't.

Should I completely shut off any gestures of friendship?

I am very confused.

Have you checked out a new thread by WCW? She and her H are beginning piecing and reconciling after 7 years of this MLC stuff. Another new, interesting thread is by BeingMe, she has given up after piecing for about 4 years now.

My problem....I still can't believe I didn't get my marriage back. I still want to reconcile because I still love him and my family.

See how confused I am....

Thank you,

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Sanderika, you can vent all you like. This is what the boards are all about!

I understand your confusion, trust me!!!

I am feeling much the same as you. One part of me is saying, "Enough! Don't tolerate this hot and cold stuff any more." The other part is just too confused and is trying to determine his thinking. I mean, who sends soups and organises boxes and sends a wish for a successful surgery and doesn't follow up with a message for a speedy recovery at the very least?? Yes, it's an expectation but hardly extreme.

It is so similar for you; all the positive gestures and then the pull back again.

I know we can't understand what they're thinking (or not thinking as it maybe!!).

Frustrating.......

[dolphin_05]

And part II (of being a jerk) ....

H comes to collect D for training this afternoon. He waits in the car for her even though he is really early. He insists she drives. She cries and begs him to drive cos she doesn't feel confident. He refuses and drives off, saying she is wasting his time. She phones him and asks him to return. (He knows she will cos I can't drive and by the time D calls on family or friends she'll be late.)He comes back but he is angry and she is really upset.

So H has managed to get me off side by pretending I don't exist and now he's doing his best to get D offside as well.