Hi fellow DB family. We are all here in recovery together and I believe we all need the Detachment Tool! I for one need to get it down better so I am going to work on it here with you, and try to really ingrain it my brain.
Now I realize not everyone here has a spouse that is an addict or in recovery for an addiction of some sort however, I have read that the infatuation is compared to an amphetimine high and can really take hold of a person. Since many here have spouses who are involved in an EA, or PA and are confused about what they are feeling and some think they are "in love" when actually what they are in is ifatuation. So this might help you.
One of the hardest, but most important goals for people close to an individual in recovery to learn, is todetach from the behaviors/substance abuse process and continue to love the person.
What does detachment mean? It can sound frightening, given that everyone's life (espcially family members) has revolved around the chemically dependent person--always trying to anticipate what will happen next, covering up for them, etc. Detaching with love is an attitude which is associated with behaviors that are not controlling.
What does controlling mean? Controlling behavior is the need to have people, places and life with "shoulds" and "ought to be." Not expressing your feelings honestly, but with self-centerdness and manipulation of the environment around you. Feeling okay if things are the way you want them to be regardless of the needs or desires of others. It is a behavior that comes from fear -- fear of the unknown, of "falling apart" if people and situations are not the way you want them to be. It is a symptom of a family or systems dysfunction. It is a reaction to the substance abuse that evolves out of feeling increasing responsiblility for the substance abusing person.
As the illness within the substance-abusing individual progresses so do the projections:"If it were not for you I would not drink to drink/use other substances." Statements like this contribute to a derterioration of self-worth with the result being that you believe that you are the key to change this awful mess by controlling your world, and the people in it. You become exhausted, frustrated and resentful. Resentment comes from people not doing what you wnat them to do --and resentment kills love.
You must accept that: 1) chemical dependency is an illness 2) You did not cause it 3) You cannot control it 4) You cannot cure it
Detaching from the illness and the substance-abusing individual's behaviors allows them to take responsibility for themselves--and allows you to be free to feel the love for the individual.
When you begin taking care of yourself and doing and being responsible for yourself, you have the key to peace, serenity, sanity, and really feeling good about who you are.
