Hope it's not too late

[what next?]

I went through the same lament as you when my first wife left me "completely out of left field." I said then, just as you say now, "it would have been nice to know."

Now four years since she first walked out the door, I much more capable of being honest.

It was not completely out of left field. And if I had really cared and really been paying attention, I would have known that something serious was coming.

This kind of thinking is not unique. Not one little bit. We ALL feel that way when we are "surprised" by a spouse who announces they are done.

The reality is that if we had been treating them the way we did when we were falling in love, we ould have noticed at the first odd glance they gave.

We got lazy.

We got selfish.

We stopped truly caring.


And for we men especially I think, we ever so easily slip into the comfortable mode where we just EXPECT that they get it that we love them and want to be with them.


In my new marriage, I tell myself almost daily that I can assume nothing. Call it a lesson learned.


You need to learn that lesson too.


Secondly, all this talk about worrying that she will never SEE your changes is equally misleading.


The truth is that we want to be around them. For our own selves, because we want to be in their good graces again. But also because we think we can convince them that they were wrong if they just get enough glances at our good side.


Stop worrying about it.


She doesn't believe your show right now. She could see you in that role 24 hours a day, 7 days a week right now, and she's still not going to believe. Not right now at least.


That's why you can't be doing these changes for THEM. If you are, you will inevitably get weary of NOT receiving the positive feedback you expect, and the changes will melt away.


You change right now because you NEED to.

You change right now because it is the MOST EFFECTIVE use of your time and energy right now.


You change because no matter the outcome of this current crisis, you want to return to being a man of quality.



If she sees these changes stick, if she sees a consistency between your words and you actions, and if she sees this new man EVEN IN A HOSTILE MOMENT, she just might be reminded of the man she once fell in love with.



Stop worrying about her. Stop obsessing about the status of the marriage.


Become someone she truly deserves.
Become someone she would want to come home to.


Most importantly, become someone you can be proud of.


Blessings,

Bill

Well said, thank you.