I went through the same lament as you when my first wife left me "completely out of left field." I said then, just as you say now, "it would have been nice to know."
Now four years since she first walked out the door, I much more capable of being honest.
It was not completely out of left field. And if I had really cared and really been paying attention, I would have known that something serious was coming.
This kind of thinking is not unique. Not one little bit. We ALL feel that way when we are "surprised" by a spouse who announces they are done.
The reality is that if we had been treating them the way we did when we were falling in love, we ould have noticed at the first odd glance they gave.
We got lazy.
We got selfish.
We stopped truly caring.
And for we men especially I think, we ever so easily slip into the comfortable mode where we just EXPECT that they get it that we love them and want to be with them.
In my new marriage, I tell myself almost daily that I can assume nothing. Call it a lesson learned.
You need to learn that lesson too.
Secondly, all this talk about worrying that she will never SEE your changes is equally misleading.
The truth is that we want to be around them. For our own selves, because we want to be in their good graces again. But also because we think we can convince them that they were wrong if they just get enough glances at our good side.
Stop worrying about it.
She doesn't believe your show right now. She could see you in that role 24 hours a day, 7 days a week right now, and she's still not going to believe. Not right now at least.
That's why you can't be doing these changes for THEM. If you are, you will inevitably get weary of NOT receiving the positive feedback you expect, and the changes will melt away.
You change right now because you NEED to.
You change right now because it is the MOST EFFECTIVE use of your time and energy right now.
You change because no matter the outcome of this current crisis, you want to return to being a man of quality.
If she sees these changes stick, if she sees a consistency between your words and you actions, and if she sees this new man EVEN IN A HOSTILE MOMENT, she just might be reminded of the man she once fell in love with.
Stop worrying about her. Stop obsessing about the status of the marriage.
Become someone she truly deserves. Become someone she would want to come home to.
Most importantly, become someone you can be proud of.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
The truth is that we want to be around them. For our own selves, because we want to be in their good graces again. But also because we think we can convince them that they were wrong if they just get enough glances at our good side.
I don't discuss anything personal on Facebook... just what I'm up to and stuff so that she can see that I am out living life and not sitting at home in the dark crying lol.
I will go to the counselor until the divorce decree. I will lose my insurance (through her work) at that point and then I will have to stop. But I would like to keep going once I get insurance again. One thing for sure is that if we can make this work somehow we need to both go and work things out.
I have some great friends that are especially good at being objective and my sister is a social worker so she has been real good to talk to. Mostly what I have talked about with them was how they perceive me and what I need to do to work on myself. My sister had a pretty close relationship with my wife but recently had a baby and they grew apart a bit. Since this has happened she has worked to establish trust with my wife and let her know that she can be there for her if she needs anything.
My sister saw my wife today and my wife said to her that she felt like "we were just roommates." How do I validate that without contacting her? lol
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
I went through the same lament as you when my first wife left me "completely out of left field." I said then, just as you say now, "it would have been nice to know."
Now four years since she first walked out the door, I much more capable of being honest.
It was not completely out of left field. And if I had really cared and really been paying attention, I would have known that something serious was coming.
This kind of thinking is not unique. Not one little bit. We ALL feel that way when we are "surprised" by a spouse who announces they are done.
The reality is that if we had been treating them the way we did when we were falling in love, we ould have noticed at the first odd glance they gave.
We got lazy.
We got selfish.
We stopped truly caring.
And for we men especially I think, we ever so easily slip into the comfortable mode where we just EXPECT that they get it that we love them and want to be with them.
In my new marriage, I tell myself almost daily that I can assume nothing. Call it a lesson learned.
You need to learn that lesson too.
Secondly, all this talk about worrying that she will never SEE your changes is equally misleading.
The truth is that we want to be around them. For our own selves, because we want to be in their good graces again. But also because we think we can convince them that they were wrong if they just get enough glances at our good side.
Stop worrying about it.
She doesn't believe your show right now. She could see you in that role 24 hours a day, 7 days a week right now, and she's still not going to believe. Not right now at least.
That's why you can't be doing these changes for THEM. If you are, you will inevitably get weary of NOT receiving the positive feedback you expect, and the changes will melt away.
You change right now because you NEED to.
You change right now because it is the MOST EFFECTIVE use of your time and energy right now.
You change because no matter the outcome of this current crisis, you want to return to being a man of quality.
If she sees these changes stick, if she sees a consistency between your words and you actions, and if she sees this new man EVEN IN A HOSTILE MOMENT, she just might be reminded of the man she once fell in love with.
Stop worrying about her. Stop obsessing about the status of the marriage.
Become someone she truly deserves. Become someone she would want to come home to.
Most importantly, become someone you can be proud of.
Blessings,
Bill
Well said, thank you.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
It's all about redeeming yourself. And please know that none of us are unsympathetic about the pain and emotional turmoil that this sort of thing puts you through. We all experienced just as you have/are.
The power of time and perspective, the benefit of having already experienced this mess from beginning to ending, is that you do realize that life will continue. And if that's the case, the most important thing is that you position yourself to have as good a life as possible when your ending rolls around.
It may still be with her. We hope, right alongside you, that this will be the case. But whether she is there or not, you still have value and your life has great meaning. You want it to be full and rich, not mired in guilt and loss.
Right now, while a spouse rolls from left to right and up and down, there is so little that WE can do to make a lasting impact in their decision making. You see, she is experiencing her own turmoil right now, even if it is of her own making.
The best you can do is heal yourself and become, once again, that light that she once chose to move towards.
Stay strong.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yeah, that's why I'm here. I realize that so much of what I am experiencing seems completely unique but then I read stories that sound exactly like mine. Helps so much to know that I can actually start to anticipate what might come next instead of having to take every blow.
I really am preparing myself for the worst but at the same time I'm just trying to do everything that I can to make that scenario less likely. I have made the changes in myself not because she wants me to but because I want to be the best person that I can be. I realize that this will help me in whatever relationship I have next and while I hope with all of my heart that that is with her I know that it isn't up to me.
How should I approach the actual divorce with her? Like it is just a legal formality? Just keep up the last resort stuff straight through? I think that right now she is burying herself in the process and not having to deal with the emotion of separation. I kind of just want to get the legal stuff over quickly so that she can start to feel what is happening.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Well, she emailed me today asking about my plans on paying for the car she wants me to take and I took that as an opportunity to tell her what all has been going on in my life. I hope this wasn't a mistake but I really wanted to be able to let her know what all I have experienced through this. I didn't talk about the future (except in regards to plans for paying off the car) and I focused on what I have gained through all of this.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Yeah, I know. A lot of the note was about stuff that we really need to talk about regarding assets and stuff. Things that I have really avoided talking about. But she started the email with "I know that this is a delicate subject..." so I just wanted to let her know where my head is at. I can't really explain to her why I am in such a good place regarding the whole situation without telling her how I got to the point that I am. She wants to think that I am in denial already so I felt like I had to make clear why she should not worry about approaching me about anything.
I don't see any point in dragging out the legal process because all it does is take a toll on me and doesn't let her start to deal with the reality of it. I'm trying to show her that one of the things that I have changed is my defensiveness. I can use the process to show her that I am willing to capitulate to whatever she wants.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
She emailed me back tonight saying that to talk more about assets and said that she is happy that i am doing so well. i hope that i'm not making her feel like this was in the best interest of both of us lol.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
