Frankly, to me detachment is more than rearranging my thoughts/feelings about what H does or does not, to fit a better conception of what I want. Real detachment means getting to the point in which what my H does or says no longer needs an interpretation to suit my ends.
If I look at little details and mentally change their meaning to me, I am still trying to control my H's behavior... so I am not detached. I need to acknowledge that my H controls his own life and he will do what he thinks is right for him... which may or may not be what I'd like him to do...
Detachment to me means that I have built a life for myself, leaving space for my H to fit in if that is what he really wishes, but allowing for the fact that he is entitled not to want to join me where I want to be.
Of course that is very scary, because it means I have to accept the real possibility of loss in the R and in all aspects of life. I have to renounce manipulation in a loving way, and concentrate in making myself the person I want to be, for me and not for my spouse. And it can and may well go 'wrong' for my M.
The beauty of detachment in my eyes is that when I get to that, and remain in it, I cannot lose. Because I am making myself a better person, regardless of what my marital situation is... I am I, not Mrs. X. I am accountable to myself, not to my H.
"I am not responsible for whether or not life makes sense, but I am responsible for what I make of this, my very own and only life" (I wish I remembered where I read that quote, so many books so little time...)
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
