About 3 years ago I closed the company that I owned with my father and had just begun working on my MBA. Unbeknown to me my wife gave me until the end of the MBA to have a career sorted out or she planned to leave. I had no idea that she was unhappy but looking back it's easy to see obviously. During my time working on my MBA I started playing poker online as a hobby but did very well. Soon I was making as much playing 1/3 of the time it would take me to work at a full time job which gave me plenty of time to focus on getting the MBA completed. In 2009 I had to decide what my plan was going to be for this year. Poker was going really well and if I was able to play full time there was a good chance that I could make close to 200k / year so during the summer I didn't take a class and worked on playing the volume that would be required for me to be a professional poker player. I was graduating in May of this year and needed to know what the best option would be for us. As I played the high volume I realized that that lifestyle was definitely not for me. It was mentally draining and was affecting my life in ways that I couldn't have anticipated so at the end of 2009 I began my job search in earnest. The only problem was the economy. I applied for over 300 jobs in two months and got 0 interviews. By February I started playing poker again and my hourly was very solid so I planned to do that until I got a job. Then a friend had an opportunity for me to do work for him on a contract basis that would really pump up my resume even though he couldn't keep me busy on a full time basis. The scenario was pretty ideal. I could get the experience that I would need to compete in the job market and still make solid money from poker.
What I didn't realize was that as my graduation came and went my wife was checking out. Just as Michele outlines, the arbitrary date had been marked in her mind and nothing that I did seemed to give her any confidence in me. As the summer went on she got more and more cold and even wrote me a letter outlining things that she was upset about. These were things that seemed kind of trivial to me and obviously they were only symptoms of the problem. Things like she went out of town for the weekend (my encouragement to get her out of her funk... I thought she was depressed) she came back and the towels weren't folded that she had left on the table. Mind you, I never folded the towels. That is wrong of me I realize but I didn't even see that there were towels on the table. Another thing she mentioned was that when she came in she asked what was in the refrigerator to eat. I don't normally eat at home and my response was "I don't know, whatever was in there when you left" because she eats a lot of healthy choice type dinners. I didn't mean to be rude with my comment by any means but she said that my tone made her angry. The note specifically stated "this is not an ultimatum, I love you but I'm not happy." As the weeks went on she got more and more distant and I was struggling to understand what was happening. She would be upset, I would try to be extra nice... she wouldn't respond and I would get upset. Then she would say i was being "bi polar" because I was nice one minute and pissed the next. I tried to explain that I was frustrated because she was being so cold but I would get nowhere.
After almost 2 months of the distance I finally asked her if our marriage was over. To my shock she said "yes." I freaked out (internally only, I stayed completely calm on the outside.) I couldn't believe that the woman I love with all of my heart was ready to walk out the door. I asked her if I had understood how hurt she was when she wrote the note if we would have had a chance and she said, she thought she was already past that point when she wrote the note. So, I asked why the note said specifically, "this is not an ultimatum" and she says that at the time she didn't think that it was. All of this was super confusing to me obviously. I had worked all year trying to understand what was wrong with her never anticipating that it was me. I was really trying to pump her up and make her feel good about herself but nothing was working and now I understand why.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I had pretty much been having a panic attack 24/7 so I went to the doctor. They put me on lexapro and told me it would take a few weeks to start working. Over those two weeks I started sleeping in the spare bedroom to give her space. Then my sister suggested that we separate to give her time to think and my wife was very into that idea. We had marriage counseling scheduled for 2 days later and I told her we could ask him and see what he suggested. My reservation was that I wanted to have time to show her that I could change the things that she had listed as bothering her. So that I could show her that I love her. I read the 5 love languages (which she had asked me to do in May but I had blown it off) and started to read as much as I could to understand what was going on. She really resented all of my sudden interest and made comments like "i don't want to feel like I have to leave to make you understand." The counselor suggested we look into information on "healing separation" and I said that I would. The next day I found information on it and sent it to my wife. The night before our 2nd visit to the counselor I started staying at friends' or family's houses. During our second session the counselor commented that it seemed that I was sincere. That I wanted her to be truly happy and that I was willing to do whatever it took to understand how to make that happen. My wife physically flinched to these words. Like someone had just spooked her. At the end of the session he tried to schedule our next visit and my wife said that she would not go back. When we got home she said that she was sick of having to defend herself. I went to the counselor the next week by myself (and have been since.) I told her what she said to see if I wasn't picking up on something and he said that he didn't think we had said anything that would make her need to feel that way. I was devastated. The weekend after our last visit with the counselor we met with my pastor (although I have considered myself agnostic since high school and that bothered my wife as well.) The meeting had already been booked and I really think that my wife was only going to these meetings to try and help me deal with the split, not because she had any interest in making anything work.
Throughout this whole process there were moments of hope. After I had first left the house I was trying to stay away while she was at home. The first Sunday that I was gone I went home to work on some stuff while she was at church but she skipped the 2nd service and came home early. She only started going to church again recently so I really didn't have her schedule figured out but I didn't think she would be home for at least another hour. She said that she came home because she was tired and wanted to take a nap so I asked if she would mind if i take a shower and she said that was fine. When I came out of the bathroom she looked up at me with complete sincerity and it was clear that she was missing me. I asked if she wanted me to lay with her and she said "yes" instantly like she wanted me to instead of like she was letting me... which is how I had felt most of the time I got a hug or laid with her before that. I was so full of optimism and thought maybe the space had worked. But as soon as I laid down she started to cry. I was so confused. After a few minutes I went back to my office and worked on my stuff so that she could nap. After she woke up she came into my office and just stood there. I didn't know if she wanted to talk or what so I tried to engage her but soon we were arguing and the rest of the day was kind of chaotic with her crying and being upset. I thought it was going to be a great day and then everything went upside down. Finally I left to go to my sister's and she texted both me and my sister that she just wanted everyone to stop hurting. I replied that divorce wouldn't make the pain go away.
That was on Sunday and on Tuesday I got very sick with a stomach bug and had to go home. I was only there for a day though and she didn't come home until nearly 10 because she was working late all week on a big project. I was able to pretty much stay out of her way.
I tried to stay away from her as much as I could but would see her every now and then. I tried writing her notes so that we could avoid arguing (pursuing I realize now but didn't know at the time.) But every time I would be gone for any amount of time she would be more distant and more resolved to divorce when I came back.
There was a fight that we got in like 4 or 5 years ago that I physically held her down (hands on her wrists.) This was completely wrong and I understand that. That was the only physical contact I had ever had with her in anger and I had worked hard to make sure that she never felt threatened in that way again but as this whole process unfolded she kept telling me that she had to protect herself. She kept insisting that at some point I was going to blame her for what was happening and she needed to be prepared for that. She even started saying that that is why she told me that the note wasn't an ultimatum because she didn't know how I would react. Her mind was getting more and more into a dark place and I couldn't figure out how to get her back from it. I haven't done so much as raise my voice at her during this whole time. I have cried a ton which hasn't helped me and I realize that. She told the counselor that she hadn't been able to tell me what was really bothering her because she thought I would get violent. I asked her if I got violent when I found out that she wanted to end our marriage and she said "no." (that was the first session, I don't think that led to her feeling like she was defending herself.)
I moved out around the 5th of November hoping that seeing all of my stuff gone would make her see everything as more real. Finally, 2 days before our 10th anniversary she filed for divorce. I had to spend my 10th antislavery waiting to get served and then went to a friend's wedding that night by myself. Really bad day for me lol.
that was the 11th (what are the chances that someone gets married on a Thursday!?) Since then I have had almost no contact with her. I don't know what to do. She hasn't rushed through the process but I told her that I will give her whatever she wants in the divorce. I tried to get her to just take everything but she wouldn't do that so I told her just to give me what she wants and we can move past all of this. I feel like at this point if we are going to have any chance of reconciliation she needs to follow through with this. Right now she is able to focus on the process and not have to worry about dealing with the reality of divorce.
Some points that I missed. We have no kids. My anxiety was a HUGE problem that I had no idea was affecting me the way it was until the lexapro started working and I started to experience life without it. I had chronic insomnia (took ambien for the past 3 years) Since I started lexapro I have completely stopped taking ambien and my body clock works for the first time in my life that I can remember. Our sleep schedules were way off since I preferred to work at night (and couldn't sleep anyway) and this was affecting our intimacy a ton. The anxiety was making my pretty much unable to contemplate having children because the idea was so overwhelming. I realize now that I was making excuses to protect me from having to face that. She makes a lot more money than me (about 100k to 35k) but bigger than that I think the fact that she was working in a corporate environment and I worked in my underwear bothered her way more than I realized. I am 99% sure there is no outside relationship. Things she has said throughout the process have really led me to believe that there is hope for us. Even 2 nights before I moved out she got emotional and blurted out "YOU HAVE A LOT OF CHANGING TO DO" which I am sure she would not have said if she didn't see a chance for us.
Also, at some point during the process I found the walk away wife information and sent that to her to read. I was just excited to understand what was happening and thought that she could read it with an open mind. Obviously that was a mistake and I realize that now.
Completely open to any suggestions that you guys might have and looking for all the help I can get. Won't be back on here until later tonight but will try to fill in any blanks that anyone has.
Thanks so much for being here. Don't know where I would be without this board right now lol.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
She makes a lot more money than me (about 100k to 35k) but bigger than that I think the fact that she was working in a corporate environment and I worked in my underwear bothered her way more than I realized.
Yes, and it's really sad that you are just now figuring that out. What is it was turned around and you were a business man who saw all these beautiful women throughout the day. Then you went home and found your W in a worn-out bath robe and her hair up in curlers. The house is in a mess and there's no dinner cooked. Well, that's about what she was seeing in you.
That list she left you was not the actual things she was unhappy about. She obviously doesn't know how to tell you. Who ends a ten year M b/c the S didn't fold the towels? Nobody! That was just the icing on the cake.
Do you think it strange that she's been unhappy for this long and you had no idea? Maybe it started while you were playing polker, or maybe that was the last straw. My bet (no pun intended) is that it was more about those times you "just blew it off" when something was bothering her.
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Even 2 nights before I moved out she got emotional and blurted out "YOU HAVE A LOT OF CHANGING TO DO" which I am sure she would not have said if she didn't see a chance for us.
Speaking as a former WAW,I don't see that statement necessarily meaning you need to make changes and she'll stay. It just means you really need to make changes in your life. She doesn't like who or what you've become.
My question is.....are you going to make those changes to get her back? Don't say yes b/c that's the wrong answer. The correct way is to make changes in order to be the best man that you can possibly be....for "you". You do this for life.....and you do it with or without her. If you change to get her back....it won't stick.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know that the towels weren't the problem obviously. My point was that I was trying to understand what the problem was but she was unable to communicate it to me. I also know that I need a job but more for my own sanity than for what it would provide us. I was doing what I thought would be best for us down the road not understanding that she had a clock ticking in her head down to the day I graduated. Last year on our anniversary she gave me a card that was a (long) list of all the things she loved about me. I had no reason to suspect that she was about to walk away from our marriage. This year it was clear that she was unhappy but it coincided with her workload increasing dramatically and I attributed it to that. I tried everything that I knew how to do to respond to what I thought was the problem. I was booking us vacations, had her go out with friends, tried to get her to define herself and what would make her happy but none of that was the problem. I was. As soon as I understood that I went to work on me. Not that I wouldn't have before but the whole event humbled me in a way that I could not have been humbled any other way. When the one thing that you treasure more than anything else in life tells you that they are leaving you it is clear rather quickly that everything you think you know about your relationship and about love is wrong.
Through this experience I have come closer to understanding things that I never thought I would be able to know. I have seen the outpouring of support from friends and family and have felt genuinely loved. Getting on lexapro would have never happened without this and that alone has guaranteed me that my life will never be the same. I have always wanted to be a good person and to realize that I have failed to fulfill that crushes me. But the most painful part of this whole experience is understanding how much I have learned and gained from it all off of her suffering. Without her bottling up so much pain for so long and erupting it on me I could have never known the things that I know now and that devastates me.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
What I need to know now is what should I be doing? I'm in last resort mode and trying not to contact her at all. She has sent me a couple of texts that were either about valuing our assets or getting an address of a friend which i replied to but nothing more substantive than that. I'm resigned to the fact that this is happening and I thought maybe I should just start the steps without regard to the last resort. Work towards building something instead of just ignoring her. I'm just afraid that whatever I do it is the wrong thing...
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
I replied to this yesterday but the post never showed up. Not sure if I did it wrong or what.
What I would like to know now is advice on what to do next. I'm in last resort right now... only replying to her when she contacts me first but this is hard since she is proceeding with the divorce. I don't see how I can show her with actions that I have changed (unless not contacting her is that action) but I guess that is all I can do.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
I don't see how I can show her with actions that I have changed (unless not contacting her is that action) but I guess that is all I can do.
If you are making changes in order to be a better "you".....with or without your S, then why the urgency for her to see them?
You are still trying to be in control. When you can get to the place that you are relaxed and feeling good about yourself....that will have a stronger influence than trying to make contact to show her a brand new you. She will know if it is a ploy to get her back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree. I am making changes to me for me and it has been extremely rewarding on a lot of levels. I'm just scared that without contact she will have no way of knowing how much I am changing. I know, I'm paranoid but we don't have kids or anything like that so I don't have a way of showing her (through contact during exchanges and what not). I realize that only time can draw us back together and she has to process everything on her own but I'm scared. Pretty standard I guess
There is no ploy though. The changes in me have been as much chemical as they have been psychological (but there have been a lot of those too!) The lexapro has made me feel like my train is back on the track and I am more at peace than I have ever felt before. I understand, in hindsight, how I pushed her away and I know that I will make a great husband the next time I have that opportunity. I just hope it is with her.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Yeah, to be honest at this point most of my sadness comes from the guilt that I feel because I have gotten so much out of this and it was all off of her suffering. I think that this has pretty much been a religious experience for me. I have considered myself agnostic since high school but (and this might sound nutty) when she told me that our marriage was over I was completely humbled. As the lexapro started to take affect and I deconstructed myself in a way that I never have before I started to realize that a huge part of our problem was the way that my anxiety was affecting our lives. As the symptoms of the anxiety were relieved by the medication it felt like a demon was gone from my body. Like evil had been keeping me from loving her. Then it dawned on me that God is love and evil would be trying to keep me from experiencing that. I have never felt this close to understanding God but it all makes sense to me now in a way that I really can't explain. I literally feel like there is a light inside me and it kind of freaks me out to admit it lol.
At least I have facebook so she can see my updates and pics. That's about the only way I have of showing her that I am in such a good place right now.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Take it easy with the facebook. It can backfire sometimes. Found that out the hard way. Not saying its bad, but let it be a window, not an billboard.
Take some time to calm down every day. What truegritter said about this not being a sprint is true. You mentioned you had been seeing a counselor. Are you still going? Do/did you like their approach?
If you stopped seing the counselor, I would encourage you to go back on your own. Whatever happens, a good counselor can give you a safe place to discuss this. If your goal is that she comes back, friend and family are not who you should talk to about your R.
