I know what you mean about the memories seeming to consume your mind, being bigger than anything else going on in your life. And also how you can feel numb about abuse even as it's occurring. I have few memories of the abuse--more like of being in various locations while SOMETHING was happening, distracting myself with my surroundings. My C explained that if a child's brain is in fight-or-flight mode, but neither is possible, she shuts down (hence the numbness). The anger is still inside, but hard to access because it's not connected to time, emotion, physical sensations, etc.
For me, the hardest part was being afraid that once I really looked at the past, I'd be destroyed by stuff that was obviously so difficult that my brain had buried all memories of it the first time around. But it wasn't really like that. Apart from a few flashbacks, it didn't come back. The pain was terrible, yet ... then it was gone. I saw the past couldn't hurt me anymore, because I was so much stronger now than as a child. Also, I wanted my life to be about ME, not defined by the actions of another, deficient person.
I judged myself too--for not stopping the abuse sooner, for not trying to tell people, for not managing to persuade them when I did tell them, for putting myself in the same category as people abused in much more horrendous ways.... Then, I began to tell myself that I had NOT been to blame as a child, and that since then I'd done the best to cope given the skills I'd developed to that point, and processed the abuse with all the speed I was capable of. I took a break from spending much time with my family, because it was too stressful for me, and did that for myself regardless of how family members might choose to interpret it.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being upset that you didn't get the ideal situation which every child deserves. It's something you need to grieve. Afterwards, there's time to develop gratitude for what you WERE given--but first that silenced, hurt child needs to be listened to and acknowledged.
