Her fantasy with the OM could and often does linger. Think about the power of infatuation. Think about how you felt when you "fell" for someone. It's a power that has often been referred to both here and in the MWD books as a drug-like addiction.
The focus on knowing for sure is simply another way of trying to control a person and a situation that is not completely in your control.
She will either return to you, or she will not. Finding out for sure about OM will not speed that decision along, and even if it did, it would likely speed you towards her deciding that she does not want to be with you.
Refocus yourself. You can change you. You can change how you react to her, her actions, and her words. YOu can change your outlook and work on freeing yourself from dependence on the relationship. This is not the same as choosing to quit on her.
OM is in fact less relevant than what you choose to do about you and how you handle this crisis. Remember, you are supposed to be the sane one, the one on an even keel. In the midst of your wife's turbulence you HAVE to be the anchor.
I am speculating. Is it like a wayward spouse or WAW after an A possibly in the fog to say things they don't really mean and try to spark argument right. I believe I have read that several times. She was so short and upset last night now ok discussing the holidays and gifts for kids. Confusing. Now I remember one part of high school I hated.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
There are many ways in which this often is very much like our high school days.
Understand that this woman made a serious mistake. Despite how she might act or what she might say about it, unless she is completely amoral, she KNOWS that what she did was wrong. Guilt pokes at her continuously and oddly enough, it usually gets directed at the spouse. After all, it is easy enough to reason that YOU are the reason she felt compelled to turn to another.
This is part of why conversations with the leaving spouse are so difficult and dangerous. In our vulnerable state, we READ INTO everything they say and every way they act. We are seraching earnestly for a clue as to the likelihood that they are softening towards us.
Well, this course of action is particularly frustrating and harmful to us, in part because we expect nice = love and mean = hate. Clearly it's not nearly so simple.
You remind her of what went wrong. You remind her of what she did wrong. You make her feel guilty. You make her feel angry.
The tough road is figuring out how to interact with her at all, and yet so many new people on this site start some positive new habits and then HOPE for interactions so that those new habits will win their spouse back. Wow. Just think about it from her perspective for a bit and you realize how unlikely that is.
So what's the answer?
Well, it's entirely counterintuitive.
Leave her be. Stop fighting against what she says she wants. Stop pointing out all that she's giving up, stop trying to convince her she's making a mistake. Show her that you love and respect her as a human being enough to let her go her way, regardless of how it tears you apart inside.
At the same time, make it clear how you REALLY feel about her. Make it clear what you want, and what a life together means to you, including what is tolerable and what is not.
Then step aside.
Stand true to your words. Do not back down from what you know is right. And never become something you are not just to appeal to her. Consistency. Integrity. Personal growth. Improvement. Strength. Honor.
These need to be your hallmarks.
You don't have to turn your back on her. But you do have to let her go.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks Bill I have come around to the counterintuitive and as hard as it is I an not fighting her wants and I stopped confronting every little thing weeks ago. I can only hope it helps. Working on gal pma and 180s
That is very helpful the way you put it.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
How can a woman make it appear such an easy decision to leave her marriage and children instead of working on the issues. In my case the A ...supposedly over. But I wonder if she is WAW also. She made many references to years of bad unless it was the fog. Time will tell. Frustrated and sad here.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
How can a woman make it appear such an easy decision to leave her marriage and children instead of working on the issues
With me, it was a desire to have a new, different life. I think many WAW's feel that that is so much easier & even exciting--compared to staying in the M and working in a R that she feels no motivation right now.
For the sake of your sanity, you need to realize this woman is different from the one you M. You won't understand her decisions. Most WAW's are not living in a "logical" frame of mind. That is why it's best that the LBH not try to discuss the stitch, expecting logical results.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
