I think this is an excellent post!
The explanations of detaching and going dark and the differences between the two are important.
Relating detaching to differences in handling a car is a unique way of 'exampling' the desired behavior modification.

I wonder what happens when you employ this method of 'giving' over 'control' of whether the WAS walks or recommits (which I agree SHOULD and COULD be a win-win for the R)and the WAS uses that as yet another reason/excuse for walking?
I TRIED doing this. I did it by letter so that I wouldn't stumble over my words and possibly 'give away' that I was trying to trust and untrustworthy person with my heart. I got help with the letter, because sometimes we think we are saying one thing and it comes out a different way.

Not only can we not control what our partner feels, we also can't control or predict how that partner will react to our 'detaching'. Mine reacted like a cruel, self-absorbed narcissist. Told me he wanted a divorce BUT wanted to be fair.Told his HO that he saw this as yet another attempt of my trying to control him...and that now he could see to it that I got NOTHING. In a nutshell, my doing this enabled him to do some pretty shitty things to me and to daughter.

I've always believed that for the most part, you trust and believe in the good in someone and that trusting can actually help bring out the good. Instead, it seemed to bring out even more bad. I think, in retrospect, it has lots to do with core values. I believed that my H had them and I now am forced to consider that he didn't and that he coudn't be loved into adoting many. I think he WANTS to have values but is more stuck with needing a SELF IMAGE that is a shame of his true self. It took me a long time to even consider this possibility. And yet, Id still like to believe that he is just lost, that her really has the capsacity to love...someone ...besides himself. I always believed that he loved his daughter, yet some bizarre things (before we separated) make me even question that. He loves as long as he has the control and isnt' NEEDED. He can't stand anyone to NEED him. And I think this may be because he struggles to deliver,yet doesn't want anyone to know that. He says that he is very self-contained and doesn't NEED anoyone...but Ididn't need a C to grasp that he is in truth someone who NEEDS more than the average joe...and that his denial is part of his inability to love.

Tye fixer in me still wants to help him find himself, and yes, I understand that if it isn't controlling it is still perceived as controlling and that I gave it my best shot for 25 years and just couldnt do it. There is a psych theory that explains his inability to confront himself, and I try to believe it becasue it makes it easier...Ya know, his choices aren't because he is sadistic, but because he CANT rather than WONT. It helps a lot.

Of course, it doesn't help me with MY issues, one of which may be that I am attracted to this kind of man. I know that I couldn't survive another go round, but am at a loss to gigure out how to know when and if a similar man appears in my ife again. (I was so careful the first time, and the red flags that I am now accused of ignoring weren't visible for years. Scary thought. O course, not loving nor being loved is also a scary thought.

SO: the idea of detaching IS indeed a win=win possibility, but maybe only when and if it is undertaken with a partner who is willing to accept the responsibility that you are giving, I think perhpas that some people can't handle that responsibiltiy...which may even be why the R is in the poor shape that it is in in the first place. Sometimes, people are ONLY looking for excuses to validate the actions they have already taken. Hopefully most of us are only looking for hope that change is possible and when our partner gives us the love and trust that true detaching takes...a rare and beautiful gift....they grasp it with their hearts and open themselves to wonderful possibilites.

Although it didn't work out well for me, that doesn't mean it won't for YOU. I still think it awesome advice and look forward to reading more of this discussion!