But she is claiming to have been unhappy for years.
Pure script. Everyone on here has heard it on multiple occassions. Believe nothing you are told from a WAW, and only believe half of the actions you actually see.
Originally Posted By: Rob1971
Originally Posted By: disbelief2010
. But she is claiming to have been unhappy for years.
Just to show you how script this is. My W has said everything from "I've never been happy" to "I've not been happy for the last 2 years" Hmm choose a timeframe..
You may not be perfect, heck no one is, that also includes your W. At least half of this situation is on her. Think about that before you start blaming yourself for everything.
How altered does it get inside her head? She is still waiting for me to do something that would really hurt her back. She believes us splitting up is the only choice. Do I just agree and say go and leave and see what happens? Can seperation help? OM and spouse supposedly working on a no contact letter. We have 4 kids 11 and under Happy Thanks Giving everyone.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
But she is claiming to have been unhappy for years.
Pure script. Everyone on here has heard it on multiple occassions. Believe nothing you are told from a WAW, and only believe half of the actions you actually see.
Originally Posted By: Rob1971
Originally Posted By: disbelief2010
. But she is claiming to have been unhappy for years.
Just to show you how script this is. My W has said everything from "I've never been happy" to "I've not been happy for the last 2 years" Hmm choose a timeframe..
You may not be perfect, heck no one is, that also includes your W. At least half of this situation is on her. Think about that before you start blaming yourself for everything.
Do I just agree and say go and leave and see what happens? Can seperation help? OM and spouse supposedly working on a no contact letter. We have 4 kids 11 and under Happy Thanks Giving everyone.
If she is living in your home and seeing OM you are in an open marriage. Is that what you want?
Truegritter has given you excellent advice and Bill's post is excellent.
Sometimes folks who expose are able to end the other person's affair. Sometimes it pushes them to the other person. It is never a tactic for bringing more love in your life. If the marriage survives exposure......it takes a LOT more time to heal.
Do you want that? I doubt it. I imagine what you want is your wife to love you and want to be with you. Spend your energy working on that and stop entertaining those other ideas.
I do not want that. She tells me its over OM spouse says OM claims its over and it has been over since june supposedly. My W admits she is not over it. OM spouse is working on a no contact letter I am encouraging her to seek advice from a forum. My w only brings up moving out as a solution and it may only be a small sign but she does not use the word divorce or sepeeation but she said she found a ready to move into place. she knows I do not want a D. I feel we can reconcile. I am watching for evidence. Of futher contact or not.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Her fantasy with the OM could and often does linger. Think about the power of infatuation. Think about how you felt when you "fell" for someone. It's a power that has often been referred to both here and in the MWD books as a drug-like addiction.
The focus on knowing for sure is simply another way of trying to control a person and a situation that is not completely in your control.
She will either return to you, or she will not. Finding out for sure about OM will not speed that decision along, and even if it did, it would likely speed you towards her deciding that she does not want to be with you.
Refocus yourself. You can change you. You can change how you react to her, her actions, and her words. YOu can change your outlook and work on freeing yourself from dependence on the relationship. This is not the same as choosing to quit on her.
OM is in fact less relevant than what you choose to do about you and how you handle this crisis. Remember, you are supposed to be the sane one, the one on an even keel. In the midst of your wife's turbulence you HAVE to be the anchor.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks Bill, I am trying to do that, I have gained more control of my emotions again. I make sure I respond calmly. I am going to reread DR. We will see if she completed the seperation plan for the councillor. A week from today we were suppssed to do that. I need a very pro marriage councillor vs a mediator type we like ours but she isn't very proactive kind of middle of the road.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Your wife must look within in order to solve her issues. There is NOTHING you can control to make this happen. It is her journey, and you are now on your own journey. Work on yourself and fix that which you need to work on. Read about detachment, and start LRT.
I am beginning to accepy more that she has to figure this out for herself. i just wish she would allow some outside influene like these forums she will not read or listen to anything along these lines. She is finally talking to some of her family. I am not sure if that is helpful or hurtful. I am working to detatch it is so hard I am going to ask my IC for help. Does LRT work if she is in the house? Supposedly the A is over. She still feels the need to seperate. Instead of arguing when she last brought it up my final statement was You need to do what you need to do I cannot change how you feel, but you know how I feel.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Can I teach you how to make quotes on your thread? It will make your posts a little easier to read.
Easiest way, hit quote button on the bottom, instead of reply and eliminate(delete) text you do not want.
Second way copy text the way you are and hit 5th button from the right which will give you [quote][/quote I am leaving out last bracket, paste text between brackets.
Third way is to type above in manually [quote] ..text..[/quote .....(again last bracket missing).
You can use the preview button to see what your post will look like before you submit it.
The edit portion of this forum is disabled so the preview button is a must in order to catch your mistakes before you post.
i just wish she would allow some outside influene like these forums she will not read or listen to anything along these lines.
That is part of the script, accept it, stop trying to control her.
Originally Posted By: disbelief2010
She is finally talking to some of her family. I am not sure if that is helpful or hurtful.
She is starting to reconnect. That is good! Have no expectations about this.
Originally Posted By: disbelief2010
I am working to detatch it is so hard I am going to ask my IC for help. Does LRT work if she is in the house?
Yes it works even if they are in your house! That is even better!
Originally Posted By: disbelief2010
Supposedly the A is over. She still feels the need to seperate. Instead of arguing when she last brought it up my final statement was You need to do what you need to do I cannot change how you feel, but you know how I feel.
Learn to Validate. Have you read the thread on validation?
