When (not if) she starts to push your buttons to make you behave like the person she left (she wants to reinforce her view that you ARE wrong for her), you have to resist. THAT is why you shouldn't answer phone calls. Text and email are KING!! It gives you time to calm your kneejerk reflex responses (what she expects)
Thanks CD Bear
It helps to have a road map. I'll try to prepare myself for this.
Quote:
Good call, DBMod! Why are you going to MC if she is sleeping with someone else? You need IC!! Make some calls and see if you can find one familiar with Divorce Remedy and other marriage advocacy programs.
Our MC had a shift in her focus after our third session. She didn't think her efforts as MC were productive. She suggested changing her roll and asked each of us to consider where she could be more helpful. Her last meeting was with my wife; she is now my wife's IC.
Quote:
Look at what she has said about your behaviour in the marriage. If what she said "stung", there is likely something to it that needs to be addressed. NOW is the time to look at behaviors that YOU don't like about you. Start with the ones that NEITHER of you like.
Yes, this is what I am currently addressing. The crux of the problem is that I neglected my wife; I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs; I took her for granted. Not that she is blameless (she certainly played her part), but if I had been paying closer attention to my wife's needs, the crises would not have happened in the first place. I was asleep.
Now I am awake! What I believe my wife is telling me (through her actions--not her words) is that I have an opportunity to set a new course for us. If I can take the right approach, something good can come from all of this. So I have been applying the DB techniques; I am taking it slow and I am rebuilding trust between us. I have asked her for nothing. She has offered nothing. But I am no longer asleep and I can see that the changes I have made to myself are working.
Each time we meet, she stays a little longer; she laughs a little more; and she becomes more relaxed. Her body language has changed; she feels comfortable in my presence. She is learning that she can trust the changes that I have made, that they are permanent. So far, she hasn't felt the need to test those changes, but I hope that I will be able to meet those challenges when they come.
