online dating tips #3

[kml]

Yowzer! Honey pie, do you HEAR what you are SAYING?

"Thing is, right before she met me she would simply go out to bars and have sex with random men. Most of the time it was in cars because most of her lovers were married. Yes she actually told me this. I have even met two of them and they are both married scum."

Ummmmm....and then....

"Im not what you call a MILF hunter but I was hoping for a long term FWB type relationship. Monogomy has it's benefits and I prefer that over wearing condoms and saying my prayers."

WHAT about her past history makes you think it would be safe to go without condoms with her? Really? Even if she has a negative AIDS test now, do you really think she's stable enough for you to trust she's not having sex with anybody else on the side?

You are falling into the classic sucker trap - the "White Knight" thing feels good and all, she looks up to you, etc etc. ALMOST ALWAYS on these boards, when this scenario has occurred, the woman ends up taking advantage of the man or she ends up going right back into the gutter she PREFERS to swim in.

You needed someone, rescuing her made you feel good about yourself, etc etc. We get it. But this issue with her son is just the tip of the iceberg. Get out. Get out now. Get out.

[g450]

kml,

I hear you. You are not the first one to say get out of this situation. And you and others are probably 100% right.

But in her defense I will say this. She knows that I value honesty above all else. This is why she volunteered this info to me. I did not ask her for it. In fact I told her I really did not want to know. She laid it on me anyway and I actually appreciated her candid honesty. It was refreshing after being lied to by my XW for years.

And she was 100% faithfull to her husband even two years past him moving out and cheating on her. She told me that she was simply going through a stage where she wanted sex. I remember my XW was the same way with me when she hit menopaus (sp?). She was horny as hell and even showed me some new moves. In retrospect, I now wonder where she learned those new moves.

But I have to say that my GF is the sweetest woman I have ever met. She loves kids and is totally trusting of all people even when it is not to her benefit (think used car salesmen). She is a classic example of a woman that really does need and deserve an honest man to help her in life and the good part is she has so much love to give. Her good parts outweigh her issues.

It's very complex and I could literally write a book about her here so I wont get into it. But I consider myself a good judge of character. I will not judge her on her past but I am smart enough to keep an ear on the tracks and an eye over my shoulder if you know what I mean. My divorce has made me smarter, a better man overall and much more vigilant of trouble.

Like other women I have met she views sex and love as two separate things. But she has sworn to be faithful to me even though I did not ask her this. I can't just throw this away. It is so hard to find. I place high value on that. This is why breaking up with her would be very hard for me to do.

[SunFunOne]

Well - you are not doing yourself any favours at all. You will continue to fool yourself because you are also "needy" yourself. and your standards have obviously been lowered.

I know it sounds cliche but get thyself to a counselor. Find out why you are picking up tramps and willing to accept someone which such obviously low standards. As I mentioned before - look where her other 2 boys are. There is a reason they are not living with her. UNFIT MOTHER might be the term.

There are so many wonderful women out there who you would enjoy a healthy, loving relationship with who you might miss out on - partially due to the fact you might end up with any one of NUMEROUS stds (not just aids - think Herpes, genital warts other stds).

I think you need to value yourself more than this and find out why you feel that this is who you need to be with.

Please take care of YOU!

Barb

[newmama]

g450 the reason to let go is so that you don't lead her on and become the #1 A-hole you know?

That's why we need to let people go once we realize there is no future...to do the right thing.

Oh and guess what? She will survive without you. Think of it like this--now that she has seen she can "get" a good guy once, she can try to find other "good guys" who aren't married.

(it is so reminiscent of my exH and OW--she was a tramp, he wanted to save her, so he did and now he GOT his slutty selfish piece of work)

[flowmom]

g450, first you say you love her, then you say you want a FWB sex/companionship kind of deal...which one is it? I'm not really buying that you truly love her...I'm sure you feel affection/concern, but that is not the same. Being with someone out of guilt and convenience is not love.

I agree with Newmama, letting her go is the right thing to do since you clearly want totally different things.

[flowmom]

g450, just to clarify...I believe you have good intentions but that things have gotten a bit murky. Sorry if my post sounded harsh...I didn't mean it that way.

[BobbiJo]

So, I just had my second date with a guy I 'met' online. This is actually the first 'second date' I have had (with the exception of a guy I already knew from school that I went on 3 dates with) since I got divorced....

We had emailed a handful of times, then talked on the phone a few times before meeting to go to a hockey game (his idea but I love going to sporting events). He had a great time, then today I was out shopping and he invited me to meet for some wings. I don't know if it goes with the 'rules' of dating since it was just a few hours' notice. However, we both have kids and our schedules won't line up much, and besides I was out in the city anyway. So, I went. And it was fun!

Not sure but I would think at this point, since he has asked me out twice, I should ask him out/suggest our next date idea...thing is he seems pretty traditional. He paid for the hockey night, and then tonight I offered to pay and he said, "No, I can get it, I invited you..." So maybe if I ask him out for next time I can pay.

[BobbiJo]

Stupid edit button. That should say "We had a good time", not "He had a good time."

[oldtimer]

"Yes, she's going to hope you will change your mind, even though you were up front with her - we women are stupid that way. But if you are really clear you don't want to raise someone else's child, then you are just keeping her around for your own selfish comfort. Set her loose."

Agreed. And this is precisely why she is treating herself no better by being with you than by being with random men in the parking lot.

You are no more available as a real partner to her in her life than those other men. You too are using her. For whatever reason, she puts herself in situations to be used by men. She sets herself up to be hurt, to be with men who will NOT be a loving, committed partner to her in her life. Clearly, she's a deeply troubled hurting person.

Perhaps the men using her in parking lots are married scum as you suggest, perhaps they are very troubled people in deep pain. My guess is the latter, and my guess is the latter is true of you too. But such pain justifies NO ONE, including you, using her to feel better.

She is a mother with a child she loves. You don't get to enter into their lives and demand a spot between them rather than with them.

And, as for all those judging this woman for being promiscuous after D in unwise ways, we need a WHOLE LOT of mirrors to pass around these boards because there has been PLENTY of casual sex going on among and between DBers and other single/not-so-single people in non-ideal circumstances. Getting divorced leads to a new adolescence, acting-out included. Compassion folks.

[newmama]

Bobbi Jo--I don't see the harm in suggesting dates if you want, and if you are comfortable with him deciding, then go with it! I mean suppose the next time you offer an idea and he says "I wanted to take you___"

And see, men? Bobbi Jo is another woman who offers to pay! We do exist!

Oldtimer--you are right; I didn't mean to sound harsh when I compared OW to g450's girlfriend!! Sorry, g450--got on a tangent there.