1 - Acknowledge that you are powerless over partner. You cannot make him/her change his feelings or make him/her love you. You can only control yourself and your own feelings. No matter how close you are to him/her and no matter how hard you try.
I'll tackle this one tonight. This morning driving into work, traffic was terribly slow, it had snowed a little and with the first snow of the year everyone forgets how to drive. I was the fourth car behind a person who driving overly cautious...SLOW. And I was getting frustrated, angry, talking to myself, "lady you're slowing up everybody" it was a chain reaction behind me...there was a stream of cars. But, it didn't matter what I said or how I felt, she wasn't going to change her speed. She was in control of her vehicle, I was not. As I was feeling the emotions, from anger, impateince, wanting her to go faster it came to me that this feeling was the same feeling I had with H. If H wouldn't do what I wanted him to do, I would get impatient, angry and no matter how impatient, how much yelling I did it doesn't matter, I AM not in control of my H/traffic. The emotions are the same, this is something I recognized for the first time today.
I am now going to start focussing on ME and MY attitudes when I drive, tame that road rage, talk to that road rage and find out what makes it tick. My H is totally opposite, he is a very calm, confident driver, rarely gets impatient and doesn't react to traffice like I do...which I was also recognizing thinking about today. My H also doesn't like riding with me, H doesn't feel safe riding with me and I know why--I'm an emotional driver. I don't relax riding with my H either, I panic a lot and react (no trust)--hmmm this does sound familar, now I'm more relaxed with my life. I'm also a backseat driver (controllinig). My H is a very competent driver yet I don't trust his driving skills and I should because he a good driver. Hmmm I might be onto something here. I can see how my emotioins come out the same in my driving as they DID in my R. I wonder if next time I am riding with my H, I could trust him and relax...
Kitti, Thanks for posting this. It helped me understand loving detachment better than anything else I've read. I also appreciate your later post that explained that you really can't say "how" you did it, but that it did happen.
Zoo, I also appreciate your post explaining that this isn't the same as going dark. I think that I was relating the two too much. I think I see the difference now.
Boy did I need to read that Kitti! I am so caught up in trying to make my H want to come home that I have not been tending to MY needs. This certainly has an impact in how he sees me. In the past, the more independent and happier I was with myself, the more attracted he was to me. No one will MAKE me happy but ME. H's actions are important, but I still have to find inner happiness and not depend on his moods to determine how I feel.(a biggie trap I think most of fall into) Starting today, I will do what I need to do, and will concentrate more on me and less on him. Thanks Kitti! Rachael
I really needed to read all of these posts too. I have been letting the fact that my H is living with a female "friend" eat away at me. I have allowed his poor decisions to control me again.
I am taking that control back again. I will have patience and meet my own needs. I agree that detatchment is a process and that it is difficult to speed up that process. It happens over time. nik
These posts are great! A lightbulb went off in my head when reading them. I think I am able to get a glimpse of detaching sometimes, and then I lose it quickly. But I am aware of separating my feelings from H and caring more about how he is doing then trying to control him. I do know it feels so much better when I detach, even if brief, than when I get controlling b/c I can't control anything and then I get enraged. I have begun to look at all the things that happen in a day that I cannot control, like traffic, the cashier in the supermarket who is soooo slow, the unwanted phone calls I get everday, etc. I realized that there is very little in life we have control over except the way we react to things and people. I need to concentrate on me more and hopefully the detatching skills will just kick into gear real soon. Thanks for the posts.
i am seriously glad i posted this as it seemed to have helped more than just me
i would like to try a little exercise if you all don't mind ...
let's write some statements we make that shows we are not detached, and then rearrange the statement that would show true loving detachment ... i will start ...
why in the world is he quiet, he must be thinking about the other woman, yeah that is it, he is thinking right now how awful it is to be at home and how he would rather be with her
wow, hubby must be really reflective today, he seems to be lost in his own thoughts. he needs space right now and he doesn't need to worry about how i am feeling so that he can have the time to process his own feelings
For me detachment happened intermittantly with lots of backslides the first few weeks and then one day I cried all day, really grieved and since then I've been able to stay detached quite well. Sometimes I feel like I am a different person, thinking about my needs now and that H is just a friend I happen to know and care about. Lisa my thread
kk ~ I know our paths have crossed on different threads (and I love the picture of your kitty...I have a black one... )--this thread is AWESOME!!!
Here is a negative that goes through my head.... I haven't heard from H is a few days...why is that (fill in with most ridiculous idea you can possibly think of....)???
replace with..... I am keeping busy these days and I guess H is too. He must be working hard or spending time with his family....
I tend to "make up" scenarios that are much worse than reality--I guess I have an active imagination! I won't hear from H and will be sure he has found an OW then I'll find out he was with his family or working!
Also, someone here said you can't explain how to detach. I agree--it is like riding a bike--once you can do it, you've go it! I think we all backslide at times in our detachment, but the time spent being detached gets longer and longer and the sadness seems to become more of a fleeting thought than a long-term feeling. Make sense??
I think what you are doing here will help all of us not only detach, but stay detached because replacing a negative with a positive is a great strategy!!!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
)--this thread is AWESOME!!! 
I won't hear from H and will be sure he has found an OW then I'll find out he was with his family or working!