Happy Turkey day back to you, Eric, and my American friends.
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving on my side of the world, but I understand it's a great tradition over there, even bigger than Christmas, can that be true??

Newmama, you funny gal, you!

So.....

Just got back from my trip.

Had a very hard time reading Codependent No More and have started to feel very bad about myself.

Especially the bit where it says you co-dependent relationships end rather violently.

My sitch was so crazy and made me so desperate at times, that I've started to wonder if H was trying to escape a 'sick' relationship.

See - there I go blaming myself again!

H sent me an email also. Says he is going to pay a certain sum per month (not far from what he's meant to), that he will help me with my citizenship but would prefer we go down the normal channels and legally seperate so I can get more $ from the state, then he mentions how there is "so much to sort out" but there's "time for that". He's talking divorce and separation of all our assets.

He thanks me a lot for my email and the photos.. says how beautiful the child is, how much he misses her.

Reiterates that he is coming her for her 1st birthday and has told his boss.

signs off "With all my thoughts".


So, you might say this is positive, that this he is taking the 'bait', so to speak (that is, me being nice).

But how did it make me FEEL?

Extremely bad. Extremely extremely hurt, as if I was betraying myself.

I was so angry all of a sudden. I cried my guts out like I haven't for months.

What's happening to me?

Is this the typical cycling of codependent behaviour? Am I stuck, emotionally?

Am I freaking out because now H and I are dealing with the reality (separation talk, rather than R talk) of what is happening?

Or because I am not acting true to myself.

Because I keep coming back to the idea that a man who leaves a woman like my H left me, is a cruel, cruel man and my problem is that I am still hanging on to our old relationship which is dead.

I was very frightened for my mental health this week.

I felt so sad, so angry, so tired.

Don't want this to turn into a pity party, just reporting honestly on what the last 4 days have been like.

I haven't replied to H. the lawyer discussion was bumped to next week as the phone lines were blocked due to storms this week.
What I want to write to him is this:

"I am sorry you are missing your daughter and it is causing you pain. I don't know how to help you because I am also dealing with the pain of your decisions. I have decided to legally separate and use a laywer to sort out any details. I'm not angry or anything, just way too tired after this year and raising a young baby on my own."