GW, I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Let me remind you that the thing that got her out of the fog last time was honestly being ready to leave, and forcing her to make the decision.
I think you should stop trying to figure out how to help her overcome her addiction. I'm in Alanon and you cannot fix or change an addiction. You aren't that powerful. It's not your fault she's chosing this and its not your job to help her out of it. People don't change that way. They have to face the consequences. And I remember that as long as you gave her an option, she kept things in limbo.
Seriously I have no idea when to do it. As a parent, who has spent her first holiday without her son today, I GET the holiday thing. So I don't think when is the question. But even though you may feel grief, shock, anxiety, all that stuff we all feel, put your mind at work. Your mind knows she doesn't act when given a choice. If you are there to "help" her, she won't help herself.
Let her be alone. Even for a temporary separation. Force her to go the other way, toward OM. It may not be the end of your marriage, because she will see for herself that OM is a loser who is using her. You CANNOT MAKE HER SEE THIS.
I know it goes against everything we feel, we want, and how we see love, but letting go IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOURSELF AGONY in the long run, and may save your M. You know the old pattern of limbo doesn't.
