In the process

[newmama]

Thanksgiving went fine! I made candied sweet potatoes,a S'mores chocolate pie and a layered bean dip. Once again, stuff I had around the house. The Smores pie ended up reminding me of hot chocolate with marshmallows (because I used cocoa powder instead of chocolate bar)

S freaked out at first when we arrived at my dad's but then he relaxed and settled in. I packed a bunch of toys so he had fun playing with the toys and my step sister. Of course just as he was really settling in with all of the people, we had to leave to go to my mom's. Once we arrived, he did the same thing and then settled in. I packed his toys over there as well.

I did cry on the way home--S was asleep so he didn't know and I am a silent crier any way. I was crying about remembering the pain of those months when I wasn't aware of the affair but just was being rejected by exH and was in so much pain. No "I love you," no affection, no sex, the distance in his interactions with me, and I was pregnant on top of it all.

But the absence of rejection was a relief. WHen I went NC with him after kicking him out, it was hard for 3 days and then I felt relief. No chronic reminder that I was being rejected by the man I deeply loved and trusted and was grateful to have in my life because he was the one person I could rely on (since my family is made of bonafide flakes...I am constantly let down by their lack of follow through so I don't even bother asking them for help for anything whatsoever. I am not exaggerating ).

So I was crying because I think subconsciously I remembered the drive back from my mom's house when I was pregnant and how much pain I was in by the way exH was treating me and how deeply hurt and scared and HELPLESS I felt and had no idea how to get him to snap out of it and had no idea why he was acting the way he was.

I am thankful that I don't have that pain to deal with today. I'll take loneliness over rejection.