I did good, had to fight the urge to pursue much harder than I expected. Did manage to DB pretty good. H gave me a good hug when he got there, even before saying hi to D3. H caught my gaze and held it a few times looking kind of lovey(?) and smiling at me. No idea what to make of it. Maybe just cake eating thoughts dancing through his self obsorbesd crazy head.
At one point I looked at H sitting and texting on his phone, seperated from the rest of the family. I'm in the kitchen right in the middle of everything. I thought, this is his family, but it is my H who seems out of place here, not me.
It was tough, and I feel beat up, but things went well. H stayed much later than he had said he would, but no complaint since I got more time with D3 before she left for her overnight.
At the end of the night was the part that broke my heart. D3 hadn't napped, and it was getting late. Dropped a puzzle piece and just fell appart. When she looses it (not verry often at home) she sticks all her fingers in her mouth and starts to cry big drooly histerical sobs. H hates this and focuses on getting her to stop the fingers in her mouth. I got to her first - not interfeeering, we thought at first she was hurt and I was closer.
I held her and she calmed a bit after a while, enought to say she just wanted to go to bed. H is keeping her tonight and tomorrow night since I have to work. I carried her out to the car and she buckled in good, but wouldn't let go of me. Kept crying for me to stay with her.
I gave her a kiss and a big hug, told her she would get to play at her little cousin's house (H is house sitting for SIL-2). Told her I would call her soon and see her in 2 mornings. I pulled away as gentle as I could. Waved as chearful as I could, and went inside. Stayed for a bit with the in-laws. Broke apart as I drove off.
Felt like the worst mom in the world. Felt like dying right there. Don't know if I will be ok calling her tonight, but I have to pull it together in just 10 minutes. Got to be that rock she needs to get through this.
Have to admit that I hate my H tonight. So angry that his girlfriend, and being single, and just living for himself come before his own baby. I just hurt. For my girl. For me. Just hurt.
Just want so bad to protect my girl, keep her close and tell her she is safe. She is loved.
I think I did the right thing for her tonight. Not sure what to do as I go forward. I'm hurting too much to make any decisions right now.
I think we both would feel better for a hug right now
Thank you do much for the lighthouse story...I KEEP forgetting his is in a mess inside himself...I keep thinking he's doing this in clarity, I guess its cause I feel a bit shaken up...
I'm gonna print that one out
Also gonna do as you suggest - I think a little treat of somekind is in order...plotting and planning Will let you know what I end up with
Called for night-nights at (8) last night and got no answer and no call back, so I sent a text at (9) to see how my girl did. Hour later (10) I got a text back asking if I was still up. I called and got to say goodnight to my girl. H said they had some really rough spots, but she was calmed down and getting ready for bed. Having melon and pretzels for dinner.
Keep going over my girl's meltdown last night. Once H figured out she wasn't physically hurt, just tired and upset, he lost patience with her fast.
She was drooling on my sweater and H brought over a paper towel to clean her up, but got frustrated when she wouldn't lift her face off my shoulder to let him wipe her off. Made acomment something like "just calm down, there's nothing wrong."
Getting her coat on to get her to his car, she was cooperating but still crying. H kept making frustrated snorts at her crying.
I was glad I got her first to help her calm down. H tends to go to time outs to get her to calm down. Doesn't work good, but he seems to think this is a discipline issue.
Seeing my H as a much more self absorbed person than I did before, especially when I look at my daughter. It is all about him now. He has the ability to be a very kind and giving man. Right now I see more and more of his selfish side. Don't like seeing it in how he deals with her though.
Before anyone smacks me upside the head, I know he isn't being abusive or trying to be mean. He loves that baby girl too. About a month ago he stuck his hand in a hot frying pan to keep her from pulling it onto her own head.
He just doesn't seem to get that she is hurting in a way he can't see. I hate sending her with him now. I hate how he discounts her feelings as unimportant.
Feel so angry at him, and disconnected from him.
Maybe I am feeling towards him now what he feels towards everyone arround him.
I hear him talk about his mom, his dad, his boss, most everyone. It is so distainful. They are all idiots and want too much from him. It is sad. Was he always this way? Did I just never see it?
Hey Zen, I want to share something that maybe your H is going through...
In the past several weeks, I have spoken with a friend that has been through this: he felt his M had dissolved beyond repair, started having an affair, denied it to his W (of course!), they got a D... after 10 yrs are happily re-M again.
What he told me about his experience was this... there were 3 components of his guilt 1. He knew deep down what he was doing was wrong. 2. Guilt about what he was doing to his family. 3. Guilt about having fun when his W wasn't
He said that all of this made him a very angry, impatient person. He said for years he could fly off the handle about anything. I immediately could recognize this in my H. He is very agitated around me. I don't need to do anything. In retrospect, I can see this go up and down in the past several months. After all of the advice I have gotten here, I can probably pinpoint exactly when he was having more contact with OW etc.
Just thought I would share this in case it helps you understand what he may be going through as it did in my situation.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Thank you E. I am recovering my balance today. The note about their guilt making them irrational does help. My little girl is my weak spot. No matter how much I detach from him she leaves me open to hurting for her.
Have favorite soothing "Holy Now" song on repeat.
Reminding myself that he is not being the person he wants to be and to be seen as.
Reminding myself that he is putting on a act to hide what he is doing.
Reminding myself that he is full of excuses because he cannot accept responsability for his own actions.
Reminding myself that he is learning to be a dad on his own, and that overall he is doing well.
Reminding myself to let go and let god.
Reminding myself that my daughter is safe and loved, even if H is stumbling through this.
Everytime I read someone's sitch on this Board going through this with small children, I Thank God that I am not having to deal with that. Grown ones are bad enough. Grands are not easy, either. You sound like you are doing everything you can to keep yourself in good mental condition, and your reminders are spot on.
This is a tough time of the year. I've found that to be especially true. I think you are handling it well with grace and dignity. I myself have lost my grace and dignity quite a few times lately, so trust me, it's better than shooting yourself in the foot by causing any undue battles with the H. You know he loves your D, and that she loves him. She's just a very confused little girl right now. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know right now, I know.
Just keep doing as you are. Sometimes treading water is all we can do, but it keeps our heads above water.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Thanks Punkin. I think the little ones ar so hard because they get pit and pieces, but can't grasp enough to understand. I'm an adult and still don't get what is happening, so how can I expect her to get it?
Found a beautiful article online about parenting with an uncooperative ex that seems like it would apply well to an LBS parent. Got some good ideas form it. Posting it here for anyone else looking for help with the little ones.
I am jornalling it, but just 'cause it is bugging me.
H called to let D3 say hi to me because she was asking to say hello to me. Nice of him and I apreciate the contact with D when she is away from me. She sounded happy. Giggled a lot. Makes me feel better than when she is upset.
Anyway, H was telling me what they had been doing, and mentioned that D had bought me a gift. Something he said he thought I had mention wanting. No idea what it could be.
Think it is likely just him peeking out of his fog to see if I am still here. Maybe a bit of trying to pull me back into his drama. Then again, could be nothing at all.
Hi Zen, My H aslo does the whole 'Everyone wants a piece of him thing'. He is very judgemental of others and constantly puts them down/points ot bad things etc - to make himself feel better I think. Its like their inner Narcissist comes to the forefront.
I did some reading up on Narcissism, and while H has a few light tendencies before, they really have become fully blown through this thing...
I've also reached a limit with H - you can check my sitch
Ohhhh I wonder what the gift is I love surprises! Doo tell!!!
