Thanks both, but I just got a new dilemma. Just today, my H said that OW has not been talking to him, and he is starting to feel depressed. He noted that thankfully, for the sake of our family, I am getting out of the depression stage, so we are not down together. This time, I am again thrust into the role of the stronger one (as I have been in the early part of our M).
It seems like he is now in withdrawal. I can see him trying to cope, especially since we drove today to spend Thanksgiving with family.
I am not too sure how to handle this new development. I feel resentful that he is so affected by the OW rejection, but again, thankful that this is happening and hopeful that it will be the end of the A, so I cannot really feel empathy for him. I am almost gleeful, to be honest, but am stopping myself from grinning from ear to ear.
My plan for now is to be quiet, supportive but not offer too much help, and still maintain some detachment. I will listen, offer a shoulder to cry on if need be.
He is asking for some insight from me on how to cope with depression, but I am afraid to suggest as if it doesn't work might be blamed. I just said prayer and sould searching.... I thought they are pretty safe .... and feel that he should ultimately handle it by himself.
Any thoughts out there?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
. Just today, my H said that OW has not been talking to him, and he is starting to feel depressed.
Tough luck, he's a grown man and needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Are you supposed to feel sympathy to him because the OW has broken up with him? Is he serious?
I know it sounds horrible but you are in danger of becoming his mother, totally unattractive to a guy.
Definitely I don't want to act like his mother, I think I did too much of that pre-bomb times. He did catch up though, to be fair. He still does have issues though with self confidence (or else why should be MLC?) and tells me he feels inadequate, is not content with his achievements (which is actually quite a lot). Maybe after months of learning how to keep my mouth shut and not offer an opinion I am no longer used to it. That means my changes are now ingrained, as I used to be such a verbal person. I do believe though that the grief phase has to be fully felt so as to have an impact. I told him he has to look into himself, and that he is an intelligent person, I am confident he will be able to deal with it. If I see him really succumbing though I haven't thought that out yet. I do still show him though that I care, in little ways, by helping him with small thigs, by gentle touch, small, nonR talks.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Hi Rob, I can see you are one for "tough love", and I like seeing both sides. Let me tell you some more of my story: My H and I were friends at the start. When we met 17 yrs. ago, I was engaged to another and he was dating. We were so close that I used to lend him money to go on dates, I tried on his shoulder when I broke my engagement. Its funny, I feel now that we are regressing to that stage. It seems like he is looking for that time when we were totally open with each other. We have this "one mind" kind of relationship. We crave the same foods, read each others mind, can tell what the other person is thinking most of the time. He is an open book to me,and he knows it, and cannot hide. Its almost like we were twins in a past life. We actually even look alike. However, when we got married we were not"madly in love". Rather, it was more like a realization that we needed each other. Ooops, I will continue this later, he is borrowing my computer>>>.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Back to story.... Today, he was talking to me about how he feels, and asking if I prefer our openess to not communicating. He thinks that things may end between him and OW soon. He however is bargaining, wanting a bit more, even if he knows it is temporary, and I likened it to a diabetic wanting to finish that last chocolate bar before going on a diet, and he laughed at that.
I don't know if this regression means that it is like we are starting all over again like before, which is weird, feels like living a double life since we are married, have a kid, am so integrated into his family like today.
I have been reading a lot of books out there. Many point out to the fact that love can be reestablished, that you can "love the one you are with", but how can I point this out to him when he is in the "i feel this way, never felt this with you" kind of mindset? I want to say that what we had was different, beautiful in a different way, but like many in MLC, he is in denial?
I need him to realize these but I think he is not prepared, and I am not willing to risk that he will leave and we will both miss out on our future. I'd rather regret trying too hard than not trying at all. But again, am I crazy?
dbmod, I am happy to be empowered, and i think MWD and her book is a Godsend, without it I would not have been able to start on this soul searching journey. But I have a long way to go.
Paging Pickle - I feel that of all of you here, you are closest to my mindset....how are you doing now?
Thans everyone for the replies and encouragement!
Angel
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Hi Angel, It looks like you're making more progress than I am and that's fantastic! I'm cheerleadin' for ya (and praying).
We are kind of taking the same approach. I tried the hard line stand, and that almost set everything back a hundred miles. She would have hated me for tossing her stuff in the driveway, because she's the independent, proud type and would never beg or plead. The kids would have been devastated and probably scarred for life and I, not her, would have wound up getting friggin blame.
No I am taking the best friend slash last resort technique approach and it's going slowley, simply 'cause she is hell bent on seeing this old flame. I expect there will be a rude awakening, and I don't mean the TSA pat down. Nobody looks anywhere close at 47 how they appeared at 19. I checked out his facebook; he looks like Danny effing DiVito. If she wants him she can effing have him!
No, if worse comes to worse and I cannot save my marriage, I will know I did everything humanly possible, and everyone will know clearly that it was she who destroyed the family. And if she snaps out of this nightmare and comes to her senses, only time will tell; I'm here for the long haul.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
HI Pickle, At least she hasn't really seen him yet, wasn't it originaly planned to be 2 weeks ago? And true, unless they are both living in a fantasy world age takes its toll. My H's OW is 31, he's 44 and trying hard to look young, I found it so pathetic, to be honest, specially since he never used to be vain before. Once in a while though it is so tempting to take the hard line stance, today I felt so effing sick of being a BFF to the point of being confided to about things that hurt me that I just bolted out of the house before I could say anything stupid. The rest of the day I read Max Lucado, about how to love the person you're stuck with, and cried my eyes out. Happy Thanksgiving indeed. I thought I'd be happy today but instead, all the darned memories of better days are flooding in.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
