Moving Forward

[flowmom]

Surprisingly, anxiety only hits me when my gut is telling me is contacting OM.

You have a strong intuition and you are very attuned to her. Make sure that you direct that intuition towards YOURSELF too. Use your gut to figure out what you need, from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment.

But what I am is sad and in a state of disbelief. Three weeks ago, we were making plans 3 to 5 years in the future, as well as plans for 3 to 6 months in the future, as well as plans for just 1 day in the future. We were married. We were happy. We both admit that. and now this.

You are back in the "shattered" stage of coping with abandonment. It's a time to focus on the present and try to deal with the now, only the now.

It makes me sad and upset that an addiction is what is probably going to kill this. After all this time and all this work, to get it all back, to then just lose it to an addiction she can't fight and can't decide for herself she needs help to overcome.

I have VERY mixed feelings about this line of thinking. Yes, there are aspects of addiction at work here. But at the same time your W is making CHOICES and has FREE WILL. Do not make the mistake of making this about the OM, or "addiction". This can't work if your W does not take serious action towards dealing with the mess that she's created. You cannot do it for her and you must hold her to a standard of behaviour as she does this. Make no mistake, she has the power and responsibility to fix this, and absolving her of that allows her to live in a fantasy of her actions having no consequences.

I know you know this, but I just want you to be careful about letting her off the hook because she is "addicted". She is driving in a car that wants to veer off to the left, but she is still holding the steering wheel, and her foot can still push on the gas...or the brakes.

hugs friend.