DBMOD, Just so you know, the name you deleted was a famous Hockey Player who founded a coffee empire here in Canada. So it wasnt a name of a person, but a name of a coffee shop that any canadian is hooked on from birth!
lol! Ok. If you tell me what it was again, I'll put it back. I was just trying to protect you in case your wife or anyone you knew found the site.
Didnt really want to say anything more. I am on the right track I think. I am going to GAL like crazy again. My middle son and I have taken up model building so that is going to be a lot of fun. I am making plans with mixed friends for fun. Got a paintball weekend coming up, and a couple of weekend trips.
So the climb out of my hole has officially started!
so, last night was w visit with the kids. she called me at work to say she had no way to get to see them. I offered to pick her up so they kids could see her.
The drive was ver interesting, she wanted to talk. She is stressed out, she says she cant find a job. She cant pay anything for her car and she doesnt want it to hurt my credit. I told her not to worry about it, i would take care of it. We then talked about her health. Her cancer hasnt spread this time and the treatments seem to be working. told her i was very glad for that.
We talked about how she was doing and what she was doing for herself. Surprisingly she is doing nothing. I asked her why she brings all her issues to me and not OM. She said its hard to explain. So I said try. She says their relationship is different. They like each others company but they dont discuss life. I was a little shocked by this but kept that to myself. I did say that when your in a relationship, the 2 people shuold discuss the issues and find solutions to the problems. They have lived together for 9 months now, they should be solving her financial issues together. She shouldnt always come to me to figure it out. They apparantly dont discuss real world issues. when they are together they enjoy each others company, they dont talk about life, their future or pretty much anything that could cause stress. I just simply said, well that sounds like you will go far in that relationship. Life has stress, life has committments, and if you cant share them with your partner, well then things can get kinda lonely.
She told me that it was hard, she has strong feelings for OM but its hard to be with someone that everyone you love wont accept. She tries to leave and she gets sucked back in. At this point all I said was, "is this relationship worth all of the stress that its costing you? her reply, thats the question of the year.
On the way to drop her off, i reaqlly didnt say much, i told her that if she needed to talk, if i could i would listen. If i wasnt able to, she would have to respect that and not get angry when i tell her I cant. She did ask me why it took so long for me to change, and i simply said, i'm a stubborn fool, i need to lose everything that was important to me before it sunk in. She said that it was too bad, that the changes ive made are great, but she feels to late.
I didnt say anything after that. I dropped her off at home told her goodbye and my thoughts were with her.
i'm a stubborn fool, i need to lose everything that was important to me before it sunk in. She said that it was too bad, that the changes ive made are great, but she feels to late. .
Why make apologies, it's just further justifying her crappy choice she has made
Rob, to be honest, i wasnt apologizing to her. This was the first time that I actually talked to her like a friend. I didnt push anything on her, i didnt bring up us, we just talked. I did let her comments sink in, but I didnt react to them and I didnt point them out to her. I let her talk. I let her tell me what was going on in her head. When i dropped her off at home, she said thank you and that was it. I felt very good about our talk.
I'm not an idiot, i know she has feelings for OM. They have had an ea for a year and a pa for 1month then she moved in and has lived with him for 8 months. What i take as very interesting is that she doesnt talk about her stress with him. they dont solve things as a couple should. For pete's sake, in the eyes of our government they are common law married and they dont discuss life.
I did find out that the OM went to university for Physcology and socialogy. Maybe he just doesnt bring up life stresses so she wont feel pressure. Maybe he just plays the game and is miles ahead of me.
I just cant figure how you can live with someone and tell them about you money issues, your health issues, the fact that the dealer has your car as you cant pay for it. This doesnt make sense to me. She comes to me to discuss it and have me bail her out.
Rob, I did ask her why she cant use the OM's car, she says its not safe to drive.
You are rescuing here. She needs to learn to miss you, and to solve her own problems. Rob is right.
As long as she is getting some of her emotional needs met by you, and some of her emotional (and physical) needs met by OM, she will never make a choice. Us humans are, after all, path-of-least-resistance creatures.
I just cant figure how you can live with someone and tell them about you money issues, your health issues, the fact that the dealer has your car as you cant pay for it.
Stop trying to figure her R with OM out.
Not your problem it is theirs and it is fantasy. It will end on its own or it won't you have nothing to do with it.
Originally Posted By: Tank
She comes to me to discuss it and have me bail her out.
This is cake eating IMO.
How you handle this is very important.
You can get pissed about it and come across as a controlling A-hole
You can allow it to continue and feel the pain it causes you to be emotionally involved in her life while she is having fun with OM.
Or
You can say "I am sorry you are having these troubles in your life."
Validation.
"I hope you understand that given the current state of our R that I am not comfortable talking about these things with you."
Boundary. Stop the conversation.
The second part you do IF you need to.
Or I should say until you are detached enough to be able to just listen and not feel like she is treading on you.
It is a subtle balance.
It IS a good sign that she wants to share these things with you and NOT OM.
That is my opinion. But she is having her cake and eating it too.
You have to stop enabling that.
How you communicate that makes all the difference in the world it can be an opportunity to show her the new and improved Tank.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
