And I think I've still got too much anger and pain I need to release to make expecting forgiveness of myself, a healthy option.
I would think that forgiveness is a state of mind that will be difficult to attain, regarding your mother, but attainable. It is a continual process of expression, acceptance, clarity, perspective, and then compassion. It's hard for me to imagine what that state of mind would be like. I can understand conceptually a Jesus or Buddha-like perfection, but can't picture how that would be for me. If I've allowed myself to be expressive, accepting (facing the truth), have increasing objectivity about the target person, with increasing compassion, then I'm on the right path, even if there are conflcting emotions. You sound like you're in the stage of facing difficult emotions, expressing them, breaking patterns of self-judgment and emotional reactivity, and gaining clarity about your mother.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
