At the beginning of this thread is my sitch. She was married to exh at age 19 and they divorced after a couple years. I was never interested in the details to ask.
She and I didn't meet until she was 29, quite a distance from that marriage, and she had other relationships in between. So to answer your question, I don't know what happened with him. There hadn't been any contact that I know of until last April (according to her).
I believe he is just the catalyst that sprung WAWS.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
She said we were like "roommates", meaning I think - ILYBINILY.
Also said "Don't want to be married anymore", meaning I think - I don't want to be married to you anymore.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
But why help her out with figuring out the ramifications of her hurting you and the kids? I mean it seems to me to be a bit much. Like she has no clue that you are hurting from HER actions, and that HER discomfort with HER choices isn't really your problem?? As for her guilt about the kids...gee, I don't know, some people call it having a conscience. At those moments, when she feels that pain, is a good time to NOT speak out with a parental voice. Let her inner voice tell her what's going on. Back off big time. MAYBE Even say "I don't know how to help you cope with the pain your choices are causing YOU b/c I am dealing with my own pain from them..." I'm not sure but see if the others feel the same...coach? Mach? What do you guys think of her telling him about HER concerns for security AND how her children will feel when she leaves them??
Much what I was thinking too J....
As you know though, you have to be careful HOW you present that message.
There is tact, then there is just plain being an ass.
Being an ass is pretty easy to do , and usually is met with the " Same old, Same old again" mentality from the WA.
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
While this is part of her journey, to feel these things, you cannot be the reason she does. Speaking up to protect yourself is a must, as long as you do it for the right reasons, and you come from a good place.
I do believe that you need to distance yourself and stand on better ground before you engage in too much interaction with her...
That comes from the work you have begun on yourself.
Okay, so it's thanksgiving. Funny thing happened yesterday. W went to visit MIL who is retired Disney, to get a free ticket; obviously did not reveal who ticket is for. I find out about it when MIL called while W is at the store, wanting to know how soon W needs the ticket. I said I would relay the message. When I do give message to W she gets visibly agitated w/ MIL. So I put 2&2 together; ticket is likely for OM and his S6, which W will present at 12/18 visit. Not feeling too well I went to bed early last night, W slept on the couch for the first time in a couple of weeks. I didn't ask about that or ticket or nuthin'. What do you DBers think of this twist? I'm still LRT ing, which kind of gets in the way of doing that "best friend" thing, so it's a juggling act. Deep fryin' a turkey cajun style today; it's gonna be great.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, Happy Thanksgiving. I had the oportunity to catch up on your sitch, we seem to have such similar ones, except that D is not being discussed. My H also seems to be wanting help in coping, going back to our "best friend" days prior to M. I am hesitatnt to be too open at this point because it hurts, and also, don't want to hand to him on a silver platter the defenses I have worked on. Its so hard to set boundaries when we are not ready yet to accept what would happen if they were not met. I have been reading a lot lately, and one book that helped me to face myself and to love in a Godly manner is "The Love Dare", making me realize that loving unconditionally, even if your love is rejected, is how it was meant to be. I did not do the one dare per day instructions, one of these days when our M is more stable I will go back to it. I see you are a prayerful man, this book will bring you to your knees to pray for your W and M.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks Trugritter, you made me laugh today. Is your name Jeff Gallouli by any chance? Nancy Kerrigan's knees will never be the same
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Are you serious, OM is coming to visit your W? How do you feel about that as a man?
I'm assuming while your looking after the kids at home, she will be having fun with OM on your dollar? Sorry to say it they are both gonna be having a laugh at your expense.
No she is flying to OH to to visit and attend the Browns / Bengles toilet bowl game. When it comes to her sepnding "our money" she works and gets a paycheck, so I have to choose that battle wisely.
Actually we had a "talk" this morning, since she slept on the couch again. I told her if she doesn't want to pretend for the sake of the kids, we should just tell them, tell all our friends and everyone else; why sould I protect her, when she's the one destroying the home? She got all defensive. You folks are right about distorting the past. I wont get into details but her memory is totally fu**ed up.
As to the Diseny ticket, turns out its for D17 to go with her HS band friend, but it was a good "conversation" starter. I flat out told her she was not thinking rationally about money or anything else. I told her I have no intention of selling the house, and I am not going to file D; she has to do it. I asked her why if she was planning her escape we went into debt last summer for a new pool, No rational answer of course.
I tried MWD's agrument on her. Five years ago we went one cruise w/o kids and had wonderful a second honeymoon. I presented the scenarion that if the captian had tolder her then that in five years she would be involved with OM and seekinga D what would she have said? Then I fast forwarded and I asked her if that same captain said today that in five more years your marriage would be stronger and better than ever before what would she say. Kind laid that out there and told her she's destroying the family and not me. Then I left for work.
I'm so pissed right now, I wish she'd just pack her sh*t and move out. This is probaly going to be a Christmas to forget. Help me out here DBers: why the hell should I keep protecting her?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
why sould I protect her, when she's the one destroying the home?
Why should you?
There is actively protecting and there is actively destroying.
In between may lie the answer.
Are you fighting for your M or working on your M?
Which will help you get to your goal?
Originally Posted By: Pickle
She got all defensive.
Really?
Shocker.
Look you are the bad guy in her eyes right now. Her actions are inexcusable and I am not telling you to accept her behavior.
But you have to stop lobbing bombs over the fence at her because it will get YOU nowhere.
Originally Posted By: Pickle
I flat out told her she was not thinking rationally about money or anything else.
<<<<<<<whistling sound...............BOOM!>>>>>>>
She is not your child so stop talking to her like one.
Protect yourself financially the best way you can but this is not the way to do it. Boundaries are to protect you so how can you make a finacial boundary and enforce it?
Originally Posted By: Pickle
I'm so pissed right now
I can tell.
So can she.
What is making you feel pissed? Why do you feel you are protecting her?
Or
Is it she is just not doing what YOU want right now?
Because she doesn't want what YOU want right now.
You need to get yourself out of the pissed life.
It won't serve you no matter what happens.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
