online dating tips #3

[BobbiJo]

I am with flowmom. I only go out (with male or female friends) when my exH has the kids. I just prefer it that way. I think maybe 3 times in the last year I have gotten a sitter or used my parents so I could go somewhere when I had my kids, and those were for special events that popped up on my days. Then again I am fortunate that my ex is an involved father who has the kids 40% of the time...

That being said even if I finally meet a guy I want to start seeing on a regular basis, I intend to wait at least six months before ANY guy gets to meet my kids. It just won't happen. They don't need to be involved...

[SunFunOne]

As a longtime DBer we used to talk about "overnight" guests a lot here. And what was best for the kids. It was generally agreed that 6 months was about right before MEETING the kids and only if there was long term potential. No "sleepovers" until after there was a commitment of some sort. How confusing for that poor little boy if he tries to get attached and suddenly Mom's new boyfriend is gone. He has already lost a dad.

I'd question any woman who was ok with having her son around when we had sex. That is simple. Call me a prude but protecting our children comes before any other needs. You get one shot to do it right and raising your kids on your own makes it twice as tough. Let's think about the little guy first. If you're not "into" him - forget her.

Barb

[bright_new_day]

I'd question any woman who was ok with having her son around when we had sex. That is simple. Call me a prude but protecting our children comes before any other needs. You get one shot to do it right and raising your kids on your own makes it twice as tough. Let's think about the little guy first. If you're not "into" him - forget her.

I'm with Barb. I wouldn't be able to be intimate with a man if my younger kids were home. I did have a situation this summer when my 22 year old daughter was home and I felt weird having a guy over. She was already in bed when we got there, but it still felt odd to me. My dating/going out with friends pretty much only happens when my kids aer at their dads. Not sure how I'd handle it if they didn't go to him regularly!

[flowmom]

I wouldn't be able to be intimate with a man if my younger kids were home.

You know, I didn't think it would work for me either...but apparently where there's a will, there's a way . We are very careful though...my kids have no idea that he's been in our home, and there's never been a meeting of any kind. It's not perfect, but with STBXH's weird schedule that I have to work around (different overnights each week), he only takes the kids 1/4 of nights, and Guitarist works night shifts frequently...there really are limited options for spending time together and if we didn't push the envelope by spending time together this way, it really would be hard to start a relationship. I truly believe that my children are benefiting from this relationship being in my life. I am going some very tough parenting and life stuff, and this relationship is something that nourishes me and helps me to face the hard stuff.

[g450]

Newmama,

I will be honest with you. I do not see her Son and her moving in with me. As selfish as this may sound...Been there done that. Im done raising children. Too old for that and I told her this.

She said she did not like the idea of waiting six years for her Son to grow up before moving in with me and I told her I understood that. I told her we could have a weekend relationship and if she found somebody else who could give her more then we would part ways. I now see this as a temporary relationship. I feel strongly that she will eventually give up trying to turn me into a rent-a-dad and find somebody new.

I just had hopes that she could raise her kids, get her act together and we could still have a relationship without moving in with each other.

One thing I have learned from this is that if we ever break up I will never again date a woman with young children. But I have dated stronger women before that have no problem keeping their children and their personal lives separate but equal. I did however tell her that her Sons should come first no matter what.

Flowmom,

You are probably spot on. She wants more. Unfortunately I can not and absolutely will not raise somebody elses child. I can be friendly and even caring but he will not be living under my roof. Not now, not ever. And I made it very clear to her from the get-go that I did not want an instant family. Dont know what else to do. Ill see what happens for a few months regarding her Son. She also has a 16 year old who lives with his Grandma and an 18 year old that basically is on his own.

She has told me that I am the best thing that has happend to her in years. But I cant be everything for her as I am not a knight on a white horse there to save her and her children. I do understand she is in a tough situation. I have even helped her out financially. But I have to think about myself and what I want to do with my remaining years. Call me selfish.

I want to say that I am also a bit old fashioned like you ladies. But at least two woman I dated told me they had no problems bringing men into their bedrooms even while the kids were home. That just really bothered me to hear that. I dealt with this when I was 16 after my Dad passed away and I do know it affects kids negatively even though they may not show it. Even now it makes my skin crawl thinking back on it.

Thanks for your comments. I will weigh my options.

[kml]

"I can be friendly and even caring but he will not be living under my roof. Not now, not ever. And I made it very clear to her from the get-go that I did not want an instant family. Dont know what else to do."

Then you should not be dating her!!!!! THAT'S what else to do.

Yes, she's going to hope you will change your mind, even though you were up front with her - we women are stupid that way. But if you are really clear you don't want to raise someone else's child, then you are just keeping her around for your own selfish comfort. Set her loose.

[SunFunOne]

Exactly! The purpose of dating is to see how a relationship might work with someone. If there is no hope for the future - then let go and move on. This is just wrong on so many levels.

One of the best decisions I ever made when my marriage broke up was to never move a guy into my house while I was raising my daughter. Never to let her think it was ok to have casual sex with some guy I was dating. I believed it totally sent her the wrong message.

Yes, when Josh came along it made things a bit more challenging. When she was finally old enough - we talked about it and she was fine with him spending the weekend after he and I had been dating a couple of years and she was legal age herself.

And as for the "having more kids" thing. I asked my boyfriend about it in the early days. As I did not plan to have any more but he might want some. He was good with it but being honest was important. If he did not want kids - I would have ended it then.

I think you need to date women who are morally more responsible. I can't imagine my 18 year old fending for himself, my 16 year old living at Grandma's and my little guy attaching to all his new "uncles". This is just NOT a healthy situation.

Barb

[newmama]

But if you are really clear you don't want to raise someone else's child, then you are just keeping her around for your own selfish comfort. Set her loose.

I agree- you said she is willing to accept a weekend relationship but at the same time she will be pushing for more. You said you don't see a future with her so let her loose! What's the point since that boy is always around and you can't even get some, right?

[newmama]

I don't envision S ever knowing that I am dating someone until I am in something meaningful. I will talk about the man before I introduce him, he will hear his voice on the phone when we talk, so I wouldn't be just springing this man on him one day (like how I met my stepdad. Came home from school and there was my dad. Yep, they got married without even telling me! I was in kindergarten. Isn't that weird?)

Now that S is getting older and more observant, I would be nervous to have someone else spend the night while S was here--unless he left before the morning. Obviously it wouldn't be a one night stand, but more along the lines of someone I had been seeing for awhile. I mean am I supposed to only see someone one night per week for 6 months, then introduce him to S, and then start seeing him more after that point only to find out I don't like him? How confusing.

Oh and it has always been a pet peeve of mine when single parents introduce their girlfriend or boyfriend to their kids as "this is mommy's friend,___" What is wrong with just saying "boyfriend?"

[g450]

OK I hear you both. Let her go..

But here is the deal.. I love this girl. Even without the sex I enjoy her company. Why do post divorce relationships always have to be so damn complicated? I HATE divorce!

Thing is, right before she met me she would simply go out to bars and have sex with random men. Most of the time it was in cars because most of her lovers were married. Yes she actually told me this. I have even met two of them and they are both married scum.

Then I come along. So here is this nice guy on the rebound who helps her in every way imaginable to try and make her life better and get her feet back on the ground financially.
In her eyes, she struck gold.

We actually have had sex while her Son was in my house. But I just feel a lot better about it when he is not there. Im not what you call a MILF hunter but I was hoping for a long term FWB type relationship. Monogomy has it's benefits and I prefer that over wearing condoms and saying my prayers.

I understand that letting her go might be the heathiest thing to do but is it really? She will go right back to the bottom feeders and pond scum she was hanging around with before and that would not help her Son either. At least we give each other something, sex and companionship at a minimum. She was getting nothing from those other guys except random meaningless sex. But to be fair, that is all she wanted from them, or so she says.

But I guess you guys are right. Im just fooling myself. I just wanted somebody to love me and it felt good. The affection and sex was a big bonus as well.

God help me, I need to be stronger. Thanks for the reality check.